Aggressive squirrels are out to get you, university warns students

When students at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis return to campus this month, they will be walking onto a battlefield, and the university wants them to know it.

The university sent out a warning to students to avoid aggressive squirrels that are trying to take over the campus. Squirrels are dirty and can carry some nasty diseases, so students should stay away from them as much as possible. IUPUI blames the aggressive squirrel problem not on the worldwide attempt by animals to overthrow humans for domain over Earth, but on the students themselves.

It claims that people have been feeding the squirrels, which means they lose their fear of us and start to demand food. Then they get aggressive and go after people. And then the whole school gets the plague.

Raining money finally makes living in Indiana worth it

Times are tough, there’s no denying that. Everyone could use a little extra cash. In Indianapolis, a some lucky people got just that.

Earlier this week, pedestrians in downtown Indy were pleasantly surprised to see money falling from the sky. A whole lot of $1 bills just rained down on people, and authorities aren’t sure who is behind it. On top of a nearby building, police found several hundred $1 bills scattered across the roof, and many of them were blowing off the rooftop to the streets below. Money wrappers with “Federal Reserve Bank” were also found.

Looks like Trump’s economic plan is working.

Police shut down dead-animals-through-the-mail service

When angling for a new job, persistence is usually a good thing. Employers like seeing your enthusiasm for the position. At the very least, they will hire you just so you stop harassing them. But there is a line.

For example, if an employer has passed on you, it’s best not to harass the person who won. An Indiana man who sought a job as fourth grade teacher and basketball coach was distraught that he didn’t get the gig, and just to show there were no hard feelings, he started sending the guy who was hired some dead animals in the mail, according to police. Authorities say he began harassing the man and his wife through the mail, sending four skunks and a raccoon in all.

Surprisingly, the school board has not reconsidered hiring this guy.

Shelob, take the wheel

There's only one way to kill a spider in your car: hit it with a bus. Or nuke it from orbit.
There’s only one way to kill a spider in your car: hit it with a bus. Or nuke it from orbit.

In SeriouslyGuys’ ongoing coverage of the War on Animals, we’re guilty of focusing on the obvious enemies — typically bears and sharks. Those stories are sexy, with large animals that can easily crush a human between their jaws. But, we ignore the most insidious animals at our own peril.

For instance: this spider that caused a major car accident. It revealed itself inside of a woman’s car, just when she was about to pull out of the driveway. She jumped out of the moving vehicle while her nine-year-old son attempted to stop the car. He hit the gas instead of the brakes, and their car hit a school bus.

All-in-all, the spider was a failure. The boy only received minor head injuries, no one else was hurt and the world has one less Dodge Avenger to service every six miles for engine failure. And, if you think the mother overreacted, The Guys ask you: what is the resale value of a car once you know that a spider’s been in it? Nope dollars. That’s basic Kelley Blue Book, people.

Special thanks to Anthony S. for the link!

You Missed It: Meat lover’s edition

Also not legal in Indiana.
Also not legal in Indiana.

Easter as an adult isn’t much fun. Sure, you can enjoy an Easter lamb or ham feast, and maybe snack on some candy, but besides that, it’s sort of dull. The best you can hope for is getting excited to dress up your kid–if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s not like Christmas, which is the best day ever for children, and a license to booze for adults. We should make Easter a mini-Christmas for adults, starting with boozy office parties. If you were busy working out a nuclear deal with Iran this week, odds are you missed it.

Too much sausage for one pizza joint
This week, Indiana came under fire for passing a bill that critics say will mix church and state, and allow businesses to turn customers away for religious reasons, including if they are gay. When owners of a pizza place said they support the law, they too faced criticism. Like-minded bigots raised $400,000 for the establishment in an online campaign. Now where will Ted Cruz’s campaign getting funding from? His supporters just tapped themselves out.

A few months at sea
A passing ship saved a sailor who had been lost at sea for 66 days on Thursday. Authorities say Louis Jordan took his wooden sailboat out on a fishing trip in January. The boat capsized, most its mast, then righted itself again. He was found hundreds of miles off the coast of North Carolina by a passing cargo ship. Upon returning to land, Jordan said, “I’m happy to be alive, and Selma really got snubbed on Oscar nominations, huh?”

That’s not something to brag about
British Prime Minister David Cameron said in an interview that he is related to the Kardashians. He said they have a common ancestor, who was born in 1555. It’s good to see Europeans claiming relations to U.S. royalty for a change.

So, there’s religious freedom … as always

Religious liberty soon to remain unthreatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.
Religious liberty soon to remain utterly not threatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.

Republican lawmakers in Indiana are finalizing amendments to the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which is, in itself, odd because at no point has the First Amendment been repealed, and the free exercise of religion remains tax-free. The new language will include the first protections based on sexual and gender identity in Indiana state law history.

So, to recap: a law enacted mostly by and on behalf of homophobic “pro-family” organizations to protect their perceived right to deny goods and services to LGBT folks — under the guise of “restoring” an over 200-year-old nationally-protected right — will soon be protecting the very people that the bill’s backers wanted to hurt.

And, holy underwear, are the fundies pissed now that their bill, as a winking nod to Jim Crow, is as meaningless as its dumb name:

‘At this very moment, the Indiana Senate is considering ‘water-down’ language to the recently passed and pro-religious-liberty bill, Religious Freedom Restoration Act,’ [the American Family Association’s Micah Clark said in an update email to followers]. ‘Homosexual activists are demanding Christian business owners in Indiana be forced to compromise their faith.’

[Emphasis ours.]

News like this can only remind of us Kurt Vonnegut, who advised us all to occasionally notice, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

You can get anything at Goodwill, even someone’s ashes

The holiday season is here, as it has been for the past three months. And you might be getting in the holiday spirit. You might think it’s a good time to donate to charity, like donating unwanted items to Goodwill. That’s great. Just remember, don’t donate human remains.

One Indiana family forgot that rule. Goodwill employees were sorting through a bunch of donated boxes when they came upon two small, white boxes containing someone’s ashes. You may not know this, but dead people’s ashes don’t sell very well, not even at a thrift store. Plus, the resale value of the boxes really drops after they’ve carried human remains.

So please, find another way to get rid of grandpa’s ashes. Maybe sprinkle them at his favorite bar.

UFO found in Indiana, old man won’t let it get rid of him

An old man has made a working UFO. That said, working in terms of a roadworthy vehicle.

Obviously the old man is crazy.

Anderson built a flying saucer vehicle. It’s roadworthy. And Anderson dons his green alien sunglasses for every trip. A green alien rides shotgun next to him.

“When I get in that thing, it’s an adventure, every time,” he said.

This might be because the alien looks terrifying, but hey, what do I know, I’m not an old man.

Old-fashioned politics: Hitting your opponent with a car

Sick of election coverage yet? Too bad, we got one more story for you! Luckily this doesn’t involve anything that actually matters. In fact, it’s in Indiana, the very center of where nothing happens.

Richard Yencer’s campaign for Yorktown, Indiana town council came to a crashing halt on Tuesday when, according to authorities, he hit an opponent with his car as the man was putting up signs at a polling site. Yencer then drove across a yard to escape. Police caught up with him later that day at another polling site. He’d been wanted for stealing political signs just a day before.

Also, he lost the election.

The movies are weird

You might already be aware, but I kind of have a thing for movies. That doesn’t mean that I condone everything having to do with them.

Recently, a movie theater in Myrtle Beach allowed a pair of chimps into the hallowed halls of film to catch a screening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. That’s not fair! I haven’t even seen Rise of the Planet of the Apes yet, much less this movie. There’s no darn good reason that an ape should see a movie before a human!

And then, a sculpture of a box of popcorn was unveiled in Indiana. Except, at 15 feet tall, it’s the world’s tallest popcorn box, despite not actually having any popcorn in it. So, you know, there’s that.