FDA maintains gays are, respectfully, plague rats

Bio-Blood Components Inc.–which doesn’t sound like the name of a Bond villain’s operation at all–might face a lawsuit from Aaron Pace. Pace says that he was not allowed to donate blood because a staff member thought he was a homosexual.

Bio-Blood has already planned a two-fold defense, claiming that:

1. They’re a little defensive because their best gay friend (character witness!) keeps singing “Gary, Indiana” whenever they mention their location.

2. Technically, the worker only made positive assumptions about Pace’s sexuality.

It takes balls to let the Internet name a building

American democracy–which historians contrast with ancient Greek democracy as “less homoerotic”–is on the ropes in Indiana.

Fort Wayne city and county officials opened up a public vote to name their new government building. This being the Internet and all, the current front-runner is the Harry Baals Government Center.

But, despite a 5, 701 vote lead over the next runner-up, city officials have already suggested that they will not name the building after the former four-term mayor. According to Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy, “We’re not going to make any decisions that look bad.”

Too late, Fort Wayne. This decision shows a remarkable lack of foresight. Sure, shaved testicles are prized now, but you never know when Harry Baals will be back in style.

Just for the record: it’s pronounced “bales.” So, we’re pretty sure where Ms. Malloy’s head is at.

Teen’s plans for mischief end all awash

I have big news for all of you. I hope you’re sitting down, as this might surprise you. Ready? Okay.

People are apparently still using water balloons. Who would’ve guessed, right?

A Bloomington, Indiana mother and her baby apparently didn’t, and that lack of knowledge led to them being clobbered – clobbered, ah say – with one via a moving vehicle. Such mischief!

But don’t worry, as there is a happy ending. A man walking with the pair ran after the vehicle and removed the keys when it had to stop for a red light. That’s hardcore. Bryan Ogden is being charged with the misdemeanor.

Why, you might even say that he ended up … all washed up.

Must’ve been all that sexy abstinence talk

When family values Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) announced he would resign his congressional seat after his affair with a female staffer, we were surprised. No, not because it was with a woman. We were surprised because we assumed that Souder had no genitals.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that the staffer in question, Tracy Jackson, also resigned. Jackson’s job was to produce videos for Souder on the topics of family values–including marital fidelity–and abstinence until marriage.

The Guys wish Ms. Jackson all the best on the next phase of her career where she trains babysitters until she’s caught molesting a baby.

No rabid dogs allowed

When author Stephen King heard that a unit with the Maine National Guard was looking to travel home from training in Indiana for Christmas, King forked over $12,999 to help finance a pair of charter buses.

Little did the soldiers know that the buses they were on were taking them … to Salem’s Lot!


Oh sure, it’s all fun and addiction until someone loses $125,000

Dear America,

Stop being a big ol’ dummy-face. It’s not a casino’s fault if you lose an eighth of a million dollars in one solitary night; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you have problems with gambling addiction and decide to stay a night in the casino’s hotel; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you’re a compulsive gambler and you don’t take advantage of numerous programs that can help you with your problem; however, it’s definitely your fault.

Hey, science! How’s it going with that responsibility formula? You think we can inject it into Big Macs and Whoppers yet?

Maybe he can face some theoretical jail time?

Let’s be honest here, people: there should probably be some technical terms for multiple levels of stupid. For now I’ll just make some up: if you have to gauge the actions of the guy in this story and your choices are A Little Slow, Stone Cold Stupid, Colossal Moron and Drooling Vegetable, it would fall somewhere between the third and the fourth. What happened here is that an eighteen year old Johnson County, Indiana resident decided to announce he was planning to hijack a plane. While playing World of Warcraft. Remember, geeks do their crimes online.

It’s been reported that the teen was playing the game yesterday morning when he announced that he

“was going to board a plane at 7:30 to Chicago and that (he) was going to try and kill as many Americans as possible”.

Which totally doesn’t imply suicide at all, moron.

A facilitator from an online gaming center reported the kid after hearing him repeat himself a few times. When confronted, the teen at first said that someone hacked into his computer, then backpedaled and said he was just kidding around. How humbling it must be to have your e-penis so swiftly and suddenly confiscated!

A rep from Blizzard who had gone over the chat logs said they seemed very serious and not like a joke at all. In the meantime, the teen’s computer has been seized by the FBI, who are looking further into the case. Charges could possibly be filed with the U.S. Attorney’s office, but it hasn’t gone that far yet. I bet he’s not allowed to play WoW anymore, which could possibly be the end of his world.

Great, the in-laws again

It’s no secret that when it comes to weddings, women get a little crazy. (Just ask our own Rick Snee. Two words: Bride Zilla.) There’s just something about weddings that makes women jealous of each other. Feelings can often be hurt after the slightest slight.

So, for those of you planning on putting on the ring that instantly makes you less interesting, remember to invite your sister. Police say one Indiana bride did not invite her sister to her wedding reception, so she crashed the reception and fought the bride. She even pulled out clumps of her hair, according to witnesses, but the sister flatly denied touching her sibling.

That’s all well and good, but was it open bar?

Nintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist

Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.

A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.

This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.

Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.

“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”

Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.

No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.

The sword is mightier than the witch

Witches: we haven’t covered them in a while, and because the lack of light shown on them, seem to be growing in size as of late. Domestic witch rates are skyrocketing. Women are becoming witches faster than we can dunk them in the river.

What’s even worse is that they have swords with which they choose to accidentally hurt themselves. A witch in Indiana was in the middle of a ceremony involving a sword when she stabbed herself in the foot unintentionally. Yes, she was outside in the dark, under a full moon, with candles lit. She just happened to miss when she tried to drive her sword into the ground. It can only be assumed she bled green.

Worst of all, the ceremony had been in thanks for good luck the witch had had.