A not-so-Super Sunday

Why, hello there, reader. Big plans for the weekend? Well, before you let the crazy train leave suburban station, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of.

First, the U.S. House of Representatives would prefer it if you didn’t spend your welfare check on strippers. They passed a bill that “would bar welfare recipients from spending their benefits in strip clubs and casinos,” saying that kind of behavior is better paid through Republican donor parties.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, guess who’s going after child sex trafficking? No, the Catholic Church. (I know, right?) A team of nuns have alerted over 200 hotels in the Indianapolis area so they’ll know what child sex looks like for the Super Bowl. Nobody’s sure why the Super Bowl would be a banner day for pederasty — maybe because nothing sets the mood like the Puppy Bowl — but, it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for nachos and beer this year.

What can you get for 89 cents?

Apparently a snake bite.

A black rat snake bit a cop at a Taco Bell. Now, mind you, the black rat snake is one of the most non-intimidating snakes out there in the world. It doesn’t help the officer that the snake was mistakenly reported originally as a boa.

Nonetheless, this is all irrelevant.

As human beings, we don’t ask for a lot in this world, and let’s face it, if you’re eating at Taco Bell, then you’re clearly not getting a lot (except the eventual Taco Smells). The sheer fact that the animals are now invading even the greasiest of our worst fast food establishments is inexcusable and an outrage of the highest level. Let’s take it to them, people!

Oh sure, it’s all fun and addiction until someone loses $125,000

Dear America,

Stop being a big ol’ dummy-face. It’s not a casino’s fault if you lose an eighth of a million dollars in one solitary night; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you have problems with gambling addiction and decide to stay a night in the casino’s hotel; however, it’s definitely your fault. It’s not a casino’s fault if you’re a compulsive gambler and you don’t take advantage of numerous programs that can help you with your problem; however, it’s definitely your fault.

Hey, science! How’s it going with that responsibility formula? You think we can inject it into Big Macs and Whoppers yet?