Tag: injury

OUTRAGE! DISBELIEF! CAPITALIZED WORDS!

A nearly two year old baby jaguar has bad teeth. In the wild, that’s called the natural order of things. If the creature’s eaten, the creature’s eaten. That would do a fine job of teaching it to be born with better teeth. Bleeding heart biologists are always clamoring about how we should leave animals the way that they are and not upset the gentle and delicate order of nature, so that’s what was done, right?

Wrong.

Four vets (the species traitors of the medical world) performed surgery that fixed the problem. Which is just dandy. There are children in the world that have serious dental problems, both functional and aesthetic, but rather than pooling our time and knowledge together for those, we instead get to help out an animal. Jerks.

In happier news, a man performing free running in the early morning hours in Tempe fell and suffered a life-threatening head injury. Why is this happier news, you may ask? This aids in proving that social darwinism, while not doing a fine enough job on the Kardashians and Lohans of the world (which are the Kardashians and Lohans), does exist.

Only 112 days until Hypothermia Season!

For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.

Which is why it is important that you panic about sledding injuries right now.

No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?

We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”

A brain is a terrible thing to waste

The Guys don’t recommend drinking and driving, but we do recommend drinking and getting someone else do drive you. And now, science backs us up.

According to a recent study, if you are in an accident and have head trauma, you are less likely to have brain damage if you have a buzz going. This means that you have medically provable reason to do shots riding shotgun, or on a plane, or while operating heavy machinery.

Go forth, drunken masses!

Even genies in bottles get bruises

Oh no! Song singer Christina Aguilera hit her hand while playing the Nintendo Wii. It gets worse. She apparently bruised herself. The horror.

I don’t think you heard me.

THE HORROR!

Ahem. Yes. Well. Showbiz Spy brings us this tragic, tragic story, wrought with pain and suffering and even more pain:

“Christina loves her Wii as a fun way to do a little work out,” a source said. “Now she’s a mother, it’s perfect for her. On this one occasion she and Joel were in the middle of a particularly heated game of tennis and Christina came off a little worse for wear in a run-in with a table lamp. She has a bruised hand but is more upset that she lost the game!”

Cancel her cameo appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards! All tour dates have been canceled! Whatever our we to do?! Christina needs some serious recovery time. She doesn’t only have a bruised hand, but a bruised heart for losing that game.

You know what happened when Bryan McBournie hurt his hand playing with his Wii? He used the other hand. You know what happened when I hit my hand against a wall while playing Wii Sports a year or two ago? I shrugged it off. ZOMG OH SNAP I JUST THREW THE DRUMSTICKS DOWN ON YA CHRISTINA!

How To: Recover from a sports injury

The Guys would like to dedicate this How To to our good friend Tom Brady, who was injured not yet a week ago. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Tom. You’re a god amongst men. If you follow our advice, we will see you on the road to the Super Bowl next season.

Injuries are pretty common in your sport. Take Jimmy, your good buddy. He messed his shoulder up on that dive the other day. Who knew you even needed to dive in golf, anyway? Regardless of what sport you play, something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong. When that happens, it’s up to you to make sure you don’t end up horribly disfigured (or at least more than you are already). That’s why we are here to tell you how to recover from a sports injury. Continue reading How To: Recover from a sports injury