British citizens urged to drown wasps in booze

Luckily for humanity, insects can drown, except for fire ants. And in the U.K., citizens are being asked by researchers to drown wasps in beer, in the name of science.

Ecologists are asking U.K. citizens to leave a glass of beer in their gardens to attract and kill wasps, so that they can be examined. Wasps are notorious drunks. The researchers want to do a sort of headcount on wasp species, and figure this is a good way to do it.

Predictably, animal rights activists are upset that scientists are asking the public to kill wasps, saying that the alcohol traps will kill other insects, like honeybees.

But the only real concern here should be that this plan involves wasting perfectly good beer, albeit for a noble cause.

Doing it more often gives beetles bigger genitals

If beetles don’t use it, they lose it, according to a recent study.

Male burying beetles have a big incentive to get it on, as the more they do, the bigger their genitalia get, researchers at University of Exeter have found. What’s more, the female of the aptly named beetles also sees an increase in genital size. Literally, the more they do it, the more rapidly their naughty parts develop.

Researchers also found that these traits could then be passed on through the generations. So maybe there’s hope for you after all.

Science: Bugs aren’t fat, they’re big-exoskeletoned

Have you ever seen an insect and thought it could probably stand to lose a few grams?

Science has, and it’s not the bug’s fault. It turns out that insects are as susceptible to obesity, and can even get diabetes. (We’re guessing it’s the blood-sucking ones that get that.) A group of researchers is going to study intestinal infections in dragonflies to see if there is a link to obesity. This could end up giving us a better understanding of obesity in humans.

Then again, it could also make us see insects as more human, and therefor less of an enemy, thereby plunging the War on Animals into madness.

Another way to bug vegetarians

"Can't we stick to killing, draining the blood out of and hacking apart larger animals and grinding them into sausage for sustenance?"
“Can’t we stick to killing, draining the blood out of and hacking apart larger animals and grinding them into sausage for sustenance?”

As Bryan McBournie reported in this week’s “Minute,” cicadas make people say and do crazy things, like eat them. Fortunately, one of several broods only pop up every decade, give or take a few years, so we can nod and say, “Sure, it’s just like eating shrimp,” because we know this is only a temporary madness inspired by driveways covered in bug skin.

But, the U.N. isn’t content with being crazy once every 17 years. They are ready to embrace bug-eating every year, all year-long.

Taking a break from somehow stealing all of your guns, the U.N. found that insects produce more meat per pound of food eaten than most other sources of protein. It’s also leaner because bugs have ridiculous body images thanks to the exoskeleton fashion industry.

Their study noted that two billion people in Asia, Africa and Latin America already eat bugs. And in some African and Asian countries, large enough collections of certain bugs can mean big money for collectors. Of course, this is what happens when you have to compete with lions and tigers for a steak.

There’s only one reason The Guys may support this idea: to finally thin the bugs’ numbers. They currently outnumber us 200 million to one.

You think they can see altruism in their eyes?

Scientists have discovered that locusts literally look where they’re going, and this discovery about the importance of visual input may mean that bugs are a lot smarter than we thought they were. Literally (that second literally is courtesy of Jeremy Clarkson).

That is not good news in the War on Animals.

It’s being reported from researchers at Cambridge University in the UK that locusts have been observed climbing ladder-like structures to investigate whether or not they used vision to guide them. The fact that they did means that they’re displaying a level of visual brain processing previously believed to be too great for insects, according to the study’s Dr. Jeremy Niven:

The visual control of limb placement in the locusts suggests that this can be achieved by much smaller-brained insects. It’s another example of insects performing a behavior we previously thought was restricted to relatively big-brained animals with sophisticated motor control, such as humans, monkeys or octopuses.

Next up, we expect Cambridge scientists to probably set up a chess match between an octopus and a locust to decide which is more intelligent. Whoever wins that game, we all lose. Also, the octopus will probably try to squirm out of match. After all, it is in its nature.

You’re losing sleep over more than just itchiness

No one likes a bed bug. They ugly, they’re nasty, they make you itch and even worse, they’re the color of communism.

We refuse to have that stand in the United States of America.

Unfortunately, bed bugs appear to be more than just a nuisance to your body-they’re also rough on the wallet. According to one researcher, the monsters are actually tougher to kill than ever before. What does that mean for you? More hours for the exterminator to kill the buggers (no pun intended-okay, pun intended), which in turn means a bigger drain on your wallet. Frankly, that’s not exactly something that mild mannered citizen needs in this rough economy. How about giving us a break, huh Mister Super Exterminator Warrior?

Who would have thought that this war would be so costly?

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!