Another America?

OK, so we’ve been quiet about President Obama’s plan to bring the 2016 (that’s pronounced “twenty-sixteen”) Olympics to Chicago, Illinois. We didn’t want to jinx it, and to be honest, Chicago’s not very good at shaking off curses.

But despite our tight-lipped efforts, Rio de Janeiro stole them from us!

We don’t blame the International Olympics Committee because we believe they were deliberately confused by that Portuguese-speaking, Amazon-bearing, cancer-curing anaconda pit that Brazilians call a country.

Knowing that the IOC wanted to give the Olympics to an American city, Rio presented themselves this way:

  • They’re also in “America.” Yes, just like how Richmond is the incest capital of West Virginia, right?
  • They hold an annual Carnival that celebrates nudity, transsexuals and bead-based economies. Yeah, we named that Mardi Gras when we invented it!
  • They even claim to be world champion football players. Really? Which Manning’s on your team?

You know what? We don’t even care about the Olympics anymore. You can have them, Rio.

(Hey, IOC! Did you hear Brazil’s trying to build nuclear weapons?)

Please, think of the athletes

The International Olympic Committee would like to remind you that human rights violations are no reason to boycott the Olympics.  It’s important to recognize the diversity of other cultures and some of those, like the Chinese when it comes to Tibet and Myanmar, are dicks.

“‘We believe that the boycott doesn’t solve anything,’ [IOC President Jacques] Rogge told reporters[.] ‘On the contrary, it is penalizing innocent athletes and it is stopping the organization from something that definitely is worthwhile organizing'” (emphasis ours). 

In other news, the IOC is still preoccupied with hard-hitting, globally-destructive issues like doping.  The IOC: just like in high school, it’s all about the jacques jocks.