We live in a world where there is endless entertainment right at your fingertips. Unfortunately, it comes at the cost of our sex lives.
According to a new study in the U.K., people are increasingly using video streaming services between 10 and 11 p.m. That may not sound like anything special, but typically that’s around the time most couples are going to bed and getting it on. The study suggests that rather than sexing each other, people are streaming videos in bed.
On the other hand, good job for having such good programming, British media.
Google, in all of its infinite wisdom (and money), decided that it would be a smart idea to see what Google would do if it was a person on the internet.
So, with the power of 16 thousand computers, Google did that very thing, simulating a brain to test the act. What did this Google e-homunculus do?
It went to Youtube and searched for cats.
Sweden — famous for their meatballs, erotica and competitive bikini-wearing (see image) — has recognized a new religion, the Church of Kopimism.
Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.
The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.
Detroit has, for some years, struggled with it’s image … Alright, who are we kidding here? Detroit sucks.
The most iconic things to come out of it since Motown are Eminem, Kid Rock, the Lions, Home Improvement and Chrysler. The only way that list could include more failure is if a Detroit-based medical lab accidentally developed AIDS while working on a cancer cure. (For the CIA, of course.)
And there’s been no movement to fix that–not until a recent Internet poll by Mayor Dave Bing. Unfortunately, Mayor Bing has rejected your suggestion to erect a statue to Robocop.
[Special thanks to Matt Staggs.]
Bryan McBournie is gone for the day. I won’t tell you where he is, but I’ll just say that what he’s doing rhymes with “pot neing a bedophile.” As such, your favorite (emphasis mine) fill-in writer, me, will have to satisfy your SeriousDesire. Look into my eyes. You know you want it. Just think of it as Christmas in July, even the Jewish people. If you were too busy popping any recalled pills so that you could get extra strength awesome (and by awesome, I mean ouch), odds are you missed it.
When Internet Doves Cry
The musician known as Prince that was then formerly known as Prince and now is known once again as Prince has declared that the internet is over, which has put our website into a little bit of a worry, seeing as how we’re web-based and all. The artist from Minnesota stated that the internet has become like MTV, outdated and that digital devices just fill your head with numbers. Of course, we’re thinking that he’s simply a little perturbed since there’s no key on a QWERTY keyboard for the “symbol.”
There’s a New King In Town
Heralded NBA player Lebron James, after months of deliberation and much press, has finally made his decision about where he will play next year. The hallowed “King” James has decided that the city where he will play in for the 2010-2011 season is Miami, as a member of the Miami Heat, alongside other superstar free agents Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers after 7 seasons as a Cav.
This Just In
The city of Cleveland is no more and has become a victim of a self-inflicted scorched Earth policy.
New Cheese Flavored Alzheimer’s Cure
A study at a university involving old rats has shown that they’re starting to retain their memories after losing them. This is great news, as even the derivative of the compound given to the rats appears to be even better at protecting memory neurons. Another great benefit: now we can remember just how many rats we killed, along with how many more we need to.
It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.
The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”
(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)
We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!
The Guys know you come to this site looking for our particular brand of comedy, but you know what’s not funny? Eating disorders.
Doctors are growing more concerned about Web sites that encourage anorexia and bulimia, and some of them are actually getting pulled off the Internet.
To make sure we stay online keep you healthy and reading, we will no longer joke about starving and/or vomiting. And, just so you know we’re being serious instead of sarcastic, we’re adding special punctuation to any statement that addresses these serious medical issues.
You should eat at least three meals a day, with a proportional amount of each food group ; )
Puking after a big meal does not rock ; )
Food allergies are never an excuse, so eat the goddamn peanut butter ; )
So, just look for that punctuation to know that we care about you and want you to be as healthy as can be ; )
Al and Tipper Gore are calling it quits, surprising everyone only two weeks after their fortieth anniversary. While some can’t believe it happened so late in their marriage, most are amazed that they divorced before the Clintons.
In any case, the world has gained a single Al Gore, and–although we rarely get involved–we just can’t help but root the guy on.
So, if you’re single, too, and your sex life could use a human robot, have you considered Al Gore? Here’s what Al brings to the boudoir:
- Handmade anniversary gift certificates for back rubs and carbon emissions.
- Flights on his personal jet to any environmentally-endangered corner of the globe.
- The dirtiest cybersex in the kinkiest chat room on the Internet that he invented.
- Willingness to call “recounts” until sex ends in his favor.
- Leonardo DiCaprio.
President Barack Obama is trying to push you out the door. Billed as the “America’s Great Outdoors” program, the initiative will “conserve cherished land and encourage Americans to enjoy the outdoors.”
Mr. President, with all due respect, but have you been outside? There’s mosquitoes out there. And bears. And no Playstation.
This all sounds like a ruse to get us outside while the President watches his stories instead of more Dora reruns.
Well, we hope we get kidnapped, just to teach you a lesson. Was your little Internet “me-time” worth it?