Tag: internet

This guy will end up as President

INTERNET RAGE!!!!!!!11111

That’s apparently what was felt all across the massive series of pipes and tubes recently when a young man purchased an iPad on Saturday, destroyed the item with a baseball and then put up video of him doing so on YouTube. Is Justin Kockott a man that feels great vitriol for Apple, much like our own Bryan McBournie?

No.

“I wanted to be the first one to do it before other people did it,” Kockott told the newspaper.

“It was just something to do.”

Oh, don’t mind that thunderclap-like sound, as it’s just me slapping my palm against my face. Well, at the very least, he’s probably seen the videos of popular stuff being broken, as where else would he get the idea to do so? As such, he had to have known that such an act may see a bit of … overzealous behavior from the Mac faithful for his video, right?

“I knew some people would hate it, but I didn’t think that many people would hate it,” he said.

“A lot of people are leaving really bad comments (in the YouTube comments section).”

And my younger brother wonders why I tend to complain about teenagers. As the resident Apple user at SG (note: I need more pretentious berets and black clothing in my wardrobe), I suppose that I should feel slightly angered toward him for doing such a thing-but really, I can’t. This sort of thing has been happening for year with almost every new piece of technology as soon as it comes out. What am I supposed to feel? I think a better question is where has a 19 year old managed to get at least 1500 dollars in order to afford three iPads? I certainly never had that type of money at his age. Heck, I don’t have that lean green now! Anybody wanna spare a dime for a brother in need?

Nnnnnhhhh…….

Look, Japan ain’t perfect. Far from it.

However, there is still a line of propriety, though, and a certain New Hampshire politician’s Facebook status update certainly skirted it.

Representative Nick Levasseur went and noted the following on Facebook:

“Anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn’t enough”

This was not a good thing to do on the internet. RIGHTEOUS AND INDIGNANT FURY was (apparently) felt by many and then utilized throughout the numerous series of pipes and tubes that you’re reading this on. Now, does he have a point? Maybe. Possibly. We’re not really sure here at SG HQ, as we tend to lean more towards gaseous weapons rather than those of the nuclear variety (chili + Schools = one less third world country). But there’s a good chance that he possibly should have worded his phrase differently.

It begs the question, though: just how many more nukes would change anime to Levasseur’s liking?

Internet 1, dumb animals 0

The internet is famous for bringing people together. But some of those people include poachers and rare animal collectors, fueling a resurgence in the illegal wildlife trade. It’s the Craiglist’s of the animal skin trade!

Stop looking at us like that. It’s not like we’re directly to blame, though we would like to shake some hands.

The internet’s effect on the trade of endangered wildlife was one of the biggest issues discussed at the recent meeting of the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, or CITES, which gathered representatives from 175 countries to discuss conservation issues. A case in point was Kaiser’s Spotted Newt, which CITES delegates voted to ban the trade of after the World Wildlife Fund declared internet sellers had “devastated” the species’s population. This is the same WWF that felt the need to make Vince McMahon (through legal means) change the name of his wrestling organization so that people wouldn’t get the two confused.

CITES chief law enforcement officer John Sellar is skeptical the internet has really made it safer for illegal wildlife traders to sell, considering how easily purchases can be traced. EBay was once one of the main marketplaces for illegal ivory trading, but a complete ban of the practice in 2008 has sharply decreased such activity on the internet as a whole.

The Internet itself isn’t the threat, but it’s another way to market the product. Most people are not willing to pay $300 for a salamander. But through the power of the Internet, tapping into the global market, you can find buyers.

Dear people who are spending that much change on animals. Stop doing so. We don’t need you to spend that much money if we’re going to be fighting a war with them anyways.

Keep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer

Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”

Or … they could be The Fuzz!

Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.

Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.

So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.

SeriouslyGuys makes you smarter

Readers, we know you’re already pretty smart. You’re reading SeriouslyGuys at work, maybe even in school, and we bet you haven’t been caught yet.

We’ve been high-fiving your intelligence with penis jokes for years, and now 75 percent of surveyed “scientists, business leaders, consultants, writers and technology developers” agree: SeriouslyGuys (and some of the rest of the Internet) makes you smarter.

Of course, there’s still that pesky 25 percent that believes that you use the Internet to serve as your intelligence or reinforce what you already believe. You know that’s not true, and–to prove it–we said so.

China: The newest servant of the US

Now, I don’t want to be a super braggart or anything like that (a regular level braggart is a position that I’m fine to be), but, well … when we want something done, it gets done. Example:

The U.S. State Department subsequently asked the Chinese government for an explanation of the attacks.

And what happened? China has closed sites that train hackers. All the power is in our hands. For our next trick, I’d like to ask China for a free iPod. Or something along those lines.

Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t