In our “things that make you go ‘duh'” column, we learn today that the Jackson family, led by the least crazy of the bunch, Janet, tried to stage an intervention with Michael Jackson back in 2007.
Was it for his “love” of children? His strange obsession with monkeys? The fact that he was whiter than Rick Snee? No to all of the above. Big surprise, Jackson was a pill-head. In other shocking news, if you can understand the combination of letters in front of you on the computer screen, you can read!
Before I get started, I just want to wish everyone a happy National Grammar Day! If you are inclined to comment on the following article, please observe this holiest of days in the comments section by posting a coherent response. All failures to do so will be ridiculed to the point of suicide.
So I was waiting for a haircut when I witness this scene:
MAN walks into the shop.
MAN: Excuse me, when’s Shakira* working next?
HAIRCUTTER: I honestly have no idea. She hasn’t shown up for work that past two days.
MAN: Ah. OK.
*This name was changed to protect my failing memory.
I’d already heard of people quitting their jobs by just not showing up anymore. I always knew it said very little about that person’s intestinal fortitude, but that was their problem that they could ignore, hoping it goes away.
But, when I consider the problems our country faces these days, I couldn’t shake it off this time. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Quit your job
So, if you followed last week’s How To, you got your band back together. How’s it going? Oh, you say your big reunion tour’s over already? That’s OK, because every band goes through a couple of false starts before the big reunion (see: every Van Halen attempt to reunite with Diamond Dave).
But before that happens, it’s time to evaluate what went wrong. Just like any breakup, we’ll bet dollars to donuts that it failed for the same reason that led to your first breakup: addiction. Also, you should probably change your socks.
The Guys love you very much, but we hate to see you hurting yourself. That’s why we’ve written this intervention: how to beat addiction. Continue reading How To: Beat addiction
Hello, SeriouslyReader. How are you? Good.
You’re probably wondering why The Guys are all here in your office. We wanted to start by saying that we love you, but we’re concerned.
According to Dr. Jerald Block’s article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, you’re addicted to the Internet. We’ve noticed it for some time, as you:
Suffer from feelings of withdrawal when a computer cannot be accessed.
Remember that time you tried us at gunpoint, just to see if there were any new Fark headlines? That was scary.
Increasingly need better equipment.
You camped out for an iPod Nano. You already have a regular iPod and a video iPod.
Need more time to use it.
We used to go on trips. Now “there’s never enough time” because your 2,000 Facebook friends are constantly updating their relationship statuses.
Experience negative repurcussions from your addiction.
You lost your job because you were distracted by a flame war in Cary Tennis’ advice column about breast implants. Your children have to eat chiclettes for lunch. Oh, and you totaled the car because you were texting your BFF to let him know “where u at.”
As we said, The Guys love you, but you have an addiction, and it hurts us to watch your downward spiral. You don’t have to quit the Internet, but you could cut back. How about just reading SeriouslyGuys from here on out?