Here at SG, we don’t exactly hold weathermen in high regards. Meteorology just isn’t one of the sciences that interests us much, and furthermore, we think that most anyone could do their job. It’s a deservedly thankless and full of blame job. If they get it right, great, they’re actually doing their job. But if they get the weather wrong, and when I mean wrong, I mean, wrong, then they have now earned a tongue lashing and internet beating.
Regardless, and I hope animals are listening, they’re our future pinatas. They don’t belong to creatures, they belong to human beings. Don’t send your mob enforcer equivalents to beat up our weathermen. We’ll send the real mob enforcers to do the job, thank you very much.
It was horrible. It was disgusting. It was demeaning to the hotness of the city. It was the great Giant African land snail invasion of Miami 2011. Molluscs nearly a foot in size had invaded, taking their oozing and slimy talents to South Beach. It would not stand.
And it didn’t.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to bring you news that the Battle of Little Big Shell may now be over. Recently, over 37 thousand spineless monsters have been captured and more are being discovered by the day. The brave warriors in Florida’s agriculture department have uncovered these abominations, helping to prevent valuable crops from being destroyed, house damage and the spread of rat lungworm.
God speed, you courageous men and women. Don’t let the invertebrates win.
Invasion. Infestation. Invertebrates. These are three words that start with the letter I that we cannot stand here at SeriouslyGuys.
Unfortunately, they exist for a reason. One reason being that giant snails have invaded South Florida. We’re not talking snails that you’ve seen before, we’re talking about African giant snails, the type that grow up to three quarters of a foot. They make badly shot movies about these monsters! Even worse, ten thousand of them have been found. That’s a lot of ugly, the likes of which Miami hasn’t seen since Chris Bosh came to town (I kid, I kid, but seriously, the dude looks like an alien). The mollusks are known to be carriers of meningitis, eat the local flora and can seriously damage the foundation of houses in the area. Do your part, residents of South Florida-stomp out a snail today.
But that’s not the only problem with invertebrates. In the quaint town of San Diego (German for “whale’s vagina”), the brave firefighters of Station 29 have been forced to flee the station house. Why so? Those monsters of New York, the bedbugs, have infested the beds. And the clothing. And the equipment. That’s not good for anybody that needs to be saved if a firefighter is too busy scratching to save you from your burning house!
Clearly the invertebrate world is attempting to take we humans on. Don’t let that happen. We’re bigger than them (well, most of us are).
I’m calling it now: NUCLEAR DEATH JELLYFISH.
Doubt me if you will, but at least be aware of the facts. A metric crap-ton (roughly millions) of jellyfish made their way into nuclear reactors in both Israel and Japan. The power plant in Japan had to be shut down, and in Israel, the sea-water cooling system was clogged, which is never a good thing. Scientists have no idea at the moment why the poisonous jam entities are going after dangerous structures such as nuclear power plants, but just like aglets, we can only assume that their purpose is sinister.
It gets worse. If they become irradiated, a lifetime of comics tells me that the jellyfish will mutate into monsters. We may not jsut end up with some kind of Eldritch horror, we may end up with an electric Eldritch horror. Someone get the Ghostbusters suited up and enlisted, just in case.
For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)
Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.
Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.
Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.