Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.

I’m too sexy for my job

When a man and a woman come together in an office, sometimes sparks fly, even if one of them is married. In order to keep his vows upheld, the man may have to fire the woman because she’s too gorgeous and may cause him to break his marriage vows.

This is now the new precedent that’s been set in Iowa. The state’s Supreme Court ruled that Melissa Nelson was too irresistible to work in the dentist’s office where she formerly was employed before being given the boot, and thus, no wrongful termination took place (based on gender discrimination).

The Guys figure that any kind of blue-eyed, blonde lassie would be considered A-OK to be around, especially in Iowa.

We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

Flavor Fleeeeeee

After a turbulent four months of bounced checks and low staff retention, Clinton, Iowa-based Flav’s Fried Chicken has shuttered. Flav, as all his close friends call him, claims that restaurant manager Nick Cimino wasn’t running the business right, while Cimino believes that Flav is a “fraud” and he is glad to be “free of somebody like Flavor Flav.” There are also rumors that Flav had issues with the food itself after discovering potato salad on April 2 that was being served despite having expired since February 28.

Oh, that’s just mouth-watering.

Flav is reportedly still looking into pursuing other restaurant ventures, including a Las Vegas place called “Flavor Flav’s House of Flavor,” expected to open May 30, and perhaps another restaurant in Davenport, Iowa as well. We expect that the house will taste like cinnamon because why not?

Old dead monks were TOTALLY awesome

Prescott, Iowa’s J. Wilson has gone one drastic step further than most super-pious Christians: During Lent, he’s decided to not ingest any grub. Instead, he’ll just sip water and beer.

“Right now, the plan is to drink four 12-ounce beers a day…and lots of water in between … Getting drunk is the last thing on my to-do list at this time.”

YES. You may assume that this is a high-falutin’ excuse to stay awesome buzzed awesome for a month and a half, but that’s not the case. We think. Wilson calls this a “historical study,” an attempt to live like a seventeenth-century monk. To sustain themselves during Lent, monks subsisted on a doppelbock, a high-calorie, carbohydrate-crammed beer.

To sustain himself, Wilson, a veteran homebrewer, teamed up with the folks at the local Rock Bottom brewpub to create the Illuminator Doppelbock. We salute and support him on this journey.

Fried chicken, booooooyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Take one part former rap hype man and alum of “The Surreal Life,” one part obscure town in Middle America, add two parts secret recipe for fried chicken, and what do you get? Reality, which has now become more awesome louder stranger than fiction.

Flavor Flav has opened the first of what he hopes will be “hundreds” of Flav’s Fried Chicken restaurants in, of all places, Clinton, Iowa.

No, really. But wait, it gets better.

“I don’t want to be just known to have a spot. You’re going to find me in here working. You’re going to be catching me seasoning my chicken, flouring my chicken, frying up my chicken, and not only that, but serving my chicken to my people.”

Please keep in mind that FLAVA FLAAAAAAV from Long Island. The connection to Clinton is via Peter Cimino, a restaurateur that owns a local restaurant that began serving Flavor Flav’s hot wings.

“Nick sees me frying the chicken and says ‘I’m going back to my town and I’m going to build us a restaurant, the first FFC restaurant.’ I said, ‘Huh, are you serious?'”

Lest anyone forget that this is Flav’s Fried Chicken, Nick Cimino, brother of Peter, reportedly hired local artists to plaster Flav’s image everywhere in the restaurant, but the hip-hop star doesn’t want to compete based on his celebrity alone. To him, it’s all about the chicken:

“The taste will blow up your taste buds. You’ll have fireworks in there.”

It’s the quotes that keep us coming back. Well, those and hopefully kids meal prizes of viking helmets and over-sized clock pendants.

Iowa: finally in the news for something other than a caucus

Strippers can now drop the much maligned social stigma that comes with their practice. For you see, in Iowa, these single-mothers of two who are having dollar bills stuffed into their g-strings in order to make it through med school are not forlorn harlots, no, they’re artists.

According to Iowa law, there is no all nude stripping allowed … in clubs. However, if it is performed in a theater or art center, it is considered art. Unless it is the 17-year-old niece of a local Des Moines sheriff.

Ad campaign of the week

When it comes to tourism, a catchy slogan is really important. I (heart) NY. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Don’t mess with Texas. Actually, that last one was a slogan the state government came up with to keep people from littering. It was later hijacked by a current president of ours.

The point is, normally, great slogans are reserved for the big guys, the metropolitan areas that can shell out the big bucks to make sure people have not forgotten that they are still there. (New York City has trust issues, which is why it needs Americans to constantly remind it of their affection.) However, the town of Cumming, Iowa has found a slogan that just about everyone can get behind.

You guessed it: “I Love Cumming.” T-shirts are on sale now.

(Courtesy of Katie T.)

Man shocked that Iowa is not at all like Vegas

Always bet on black, but never a lady named BlackieHey there, all you cool N-SixteeFo console players, SG game editor Chuggy McLugg is here with a pro-tip all you wiz-bang gambling gamers that happen to pull shifts at casinos: just because your establishment promotes “Las Vegas-style entertainment” doesn’t mean they have to send a prostitute to your room when you win a free night’s stay, even if you do have a gift certificate. Especially when your room is in Iowa, though they’ll probably send you a potato-tute instead. That kind of high roller treatment just doesn’t apply to everyone, you know.