Democracy in peril as no one votes in election

Here’s a thought exercise for you: If no one votes in an election, is it really an election?

In McIntire, Iowa, not a single one of the town’s 70 registered voters showed up to vote in a special election on two ballot issues regarding the terms of the mayor and town council members. The poll workers, who lived in other towns and couldn’t vote, sat around for nine hours in hopes of someone showing up to cast their vote, a right that their forefathers had fought and died to defend — but not a soul showed up.

Still think your vote doesn’t matter?

The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.

If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.

Except it really isn’t important right now. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Primary season isn’t real

Pork the ones you’ve locked up

We're confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?
We’re confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?

Sometimes we wonder why so many Americans are locked up. Part of it might be for drug offenses, the punishments for which have only become more and more draconian since we declared war on them. But part of it might be because, dammit, pig farmers need over 2 million captive consumers of their products.

Prisons across the U.S. began reducing or dropping pork entirely from cafeteria menus after it polled low on prisoner surveys. To get that pig butt back in our convicts’ lucrative mouths, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) leveraged (read: exploited) his position as head of the Senate Committee that oversees the federal prison system after pork lobby squealed. He also happens to be the senator from the top pork-producing state.

So, that’s how much we depend on keeping people behind bars: almost as much as we need to keep building tanks that the Army no longer wants. We profit from forced prison labor, which happens to be disproportionately not white, and give them the food that apparently not enough people want. Gee. That’s not historically uncomfortable at all.

Iowa court upholds right to drink outdoors

Freedom is still alive and well — at least in Iowa — after a recent high court ruling.

There, the state Supreme Court ruled that your front porch is private property and cannot be considered a public place. Why should you care about that? Because it means you are allowed to be as drunk as you want on your own front porch, provided that you live in Iowa.

The Guys salute Patience Paye, who took her drunk in public conviction to the highest court in the state to make sure that she and her fellow Iowans could still breathe free air and drink freely. If your porch isn’t a public place, just think of all the other private activities that are legal there.

We present to you the most unkosher whiskey ever

Whiskey is delicious. Pork is delicious. And now, a group of geniuses have made the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of food.

I mean, booze-food.

The people at Templeton Rye Distillery, located in Templeton, Iowa, are hard at work merging pigs with whiskey … while the pigs are still alive. They’ve taken just over two dozen piglets, born at the beginning of the year, and working to have the swine taste like their signature product. Somehow, this does not involve the pigs getting blitzed! Instead, they’re being fed a grain used in the whiskey-making process.

We expect the fools at PETA to protest, but those losers weren’t exactly known for their taste in alcohol as it is. TRD, you can put us down for some of the final product when it’s for sale.

I’m too sexy for my job

When a man and a woman come together in an office, sometimes sparks fly, even if one of them is married. In order to keep his vows upheld, the man may have to fire the woman because she’s too gorgeous and may cause him to break his marriage vows.

This is now the new precedent that’s been set in Iowa. The state’s Supreme Court ruled that Melissa Nelson was too irresistible to work in the dentist’s office where she formerly was employed before being given the boot, and thus, no wrongful termination took place (based on gender discrimination).

The Guys figure that any kind of blue-eyed, blonde lassie would be considered A-OK to be around, especially in Iowa.

We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

Flavor Fleeeeeee

After a turbulent four months of bounced checks and low staff retention, Clinton, Iowa-based Flav’s Fried Chicken has shuttered. Flav, as all his close friends call him, claims that restaurant manager Nick Cimino wasn’t running the business right, while Cimino believes that Flav is a “fraud” and he is glad to be “free of somebody like Flavor Flav.” There are also rumors that Flav had issues with the food itself after discovering potato salad on April 2 that was being served despite having expired since February 28.

Oh, that’s just mouth-watering.

Flav is reportedly still looking into pursuing other restaurant ventures, including a Las Vegas place called “Flavor Flav’s House of Flavor,” expected to open May 30, and perhaps another restaurant in Davenport, Iowa as well. We expect that the house will taste like cinnamon because why not?

Old dead monks were TOTALLY awesome

Prescott, Iowa’s J. Wilson has gone one drastic step further than most super-pious Christians: During Lent, he’s decided to not ingest any grub. Instead, he’ll just sip water and beer.

“Right now, the plan is to drink four 12-ounce beers a day…and lots of water in between … Getting drunk is the last thing on my to-do list at this time.”

YES. You may assume that this is a high-falutin’ excuse to stay awesome buzzed awesome for a month and a half, but that’s not the case. We think. Wilson calls this a “historical study,” an attempt to live like a seventeenth-century monk. To sustain themselves during Lent, monks subsisted on a doppelbock, a high-calorie, carbohydrate-crammed beer.

To sustain himself, Wilson, a veteran homebrewer, teamed up with the folks at the local Rock Bottom brewpub to create the Illuminator Doppelbock. We salute and support him on this journey.

Fried chicken, booooooyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Take one part former rap hype man and alum of “The Surreal Life,” one part obscure town in Middle America, add two parts secret recipe for fried chicken, and what do you get? Reality, which has now become more awesome louder stranger than fiction.

Flavor Flav has opened the first of what he hopes will be “hundreds” of Flav’s Fried Chicken restaurants in, of all places, Clinton, Iowa.

No, really. But wait, it gets better.

“I don’t want to be just known to have a spot. You’re going to find me in here working. You’re going to be catching me seasoning my chicken, flouring my chicken, frying up my chicken, and not only that, but serving my chicken to my people.”

Please keep in mind that FLAVA FLAAAAAAV from Long Island. The connection to Clinton is via Peter Cimino, a restaurateur that owns a local restaurant that began serving Flavor Flav’s hot wings.

“Nick sees me frying the chicken and says ‘I’m going back to my town and I’m going to build us a restaurant, the first FFC restaurant.’ I said, ‘Huh, are you serious?'”

Lest anyone forget that this is Flav’s Fried Chicken, Nick Cimino, brother of Peter, reportedly hired local artists to plaster Flav’s image everywhere in the restaurant, but the hip-hop star doesn’t want to compete based on his celebrity alone. To him, it’s all about the chicken:

“The taste will blow up your taste buds. You’ll have fireworks in there.”

It’s the quotes that keep us coming back. Well, those and hopefully kids meal prizes of viking helmets and over-sized clock pendants.