There’s no screen more HD than your own face

You’ve heard the stories before and they’re true: anyone that buys an iPad not from a well-known retail source is as dumb as the box of rocks that they probably just bought. But fret not!

This line of logic also extends to those that decide to purchase electronics from a person’s car at a gas station.

People, if you do choose to drop a large amount of money in the direction of the back of a person’s car that also doubles as a Radio Shack, at the very least, check to make sure that the item you’re buying is legit. Because there is no mirror app on the App Store that costs as much as you’re probably going to pay.

Downgrades are the new upgrade

In most of the world, the iPad has become a new standard in the business world. People use it as a launching point for presentations, show demo videos on screens larger than their phone and play Angry Birds when they should be doing their job. But not in all of the world, no. Some parts of the world, well, progress has become slightly halted. Or even reversed.

In (not-so) Soviet Russia, iPad doesn’t replace typewriter, typewriter replaces iPad!

Seriously. The Federal Security Service paid over 2 million spacebucks toilet squares rubles (which comes out to approximately $67,000) just to exchange working iPads with modern typewriters.

In all of my life, that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d be typing.

Hindsight and dialysis are 20/20

We’ve talked to you before about the Cult of Steve. They’re a fairly extreme group of people who must have the newest Apple device or software, come Hell or high water. And for full disclosure purposes, I own a (soon to be) 3-year-old Macbook, an iPhone 3G and my iPhone 4 came into my hands a day before it went on sale nationwide. Nonetheless …

… there is no got-damn way that I’d sell my organs for an i-device. However, I’d willingly sell someone else’s organs to get an iPad 2.

Sadly, I’ll have to look somewhere other than Shanghai as a teenager’s almost beat me to it. A 17-year-old sold one of his kidneys to buy the Apple tablet. So, how did the decision turn out for him?

Apparently, not too great. According to the article, he only ended up with a laptop and an iPhone, not quite the i-device he wanted. Oh, and a bad case of buyers remorse. Maybe he’ll get lucky and only contract iAbetes!

The King is dead

And he will continue to stay that way, even in the digital world. After more than a year spent dancing into our hearts and gardens, objections from the King of Pop’s estate have caused PopCap Games to replace the killer Michael Jackson lookalike in Plants Vs. Zombies.

The Dancing Zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies will be removed from the game, though not from our hearts, as plans are currently underway to replace him in all versions of the game with a disco-themed imposter.

“The Estate of Michael Jackson objected to our use of the ‘dancing zombie’ in PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES based on its view that the zombie too closely resembled Michael Jackson. After receiving this objection, PopCap made a business decision to retire the original ‘dancing zombie’ and replace it with a different ‘dancing zombie’ character for future builds of PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES on all platforms. The phase-out and replacement process is underway.”

The change has already been implemented in the iPhone version of the game with the latest update, with plans to phase out the dead pop singer across all platforms. Hoo-hoo!

You Missed It: Time runs out edition

Here it is: the official start of summer. I bet you’re not even doing work right now. You’re just thinking about the long weekend ahead and how you’re going to spend it. Speaking of which, we’re off on Monday, too. So there’s a fair chance even we aren’t working right now. But as one last send off, let’s take a look back, shall we? If you were busy voting on don’t ask don’t tell, odds are you missed it.

The show may still be airing in a parallel universe
Two of television’s biggest shows signed off for the last time this week. On Sunday, Lost ended, followed a day later by 24. One show was famous for its action, character development and dizzying amount of plot twists, and the other one was Lost. In the thrilling conclusion, we found out that Jack Bauer was really the polar bear.

No iAdmission at the game
It came to light this week that Yankee Stadium treats iPads like outside drinks and food, and of course, firearms–they are not allowed. People have reported being turned away from the gates for having an iPad on their person. But don’t worry, Yankees fans, gold chains and hairy backs are A-OK!

Binging yourself just sounds weird
A recent study found that over half of American adults have Googled themselves. The survey suggests that adults use the tool to manage their online reputation and see what over people can find out about them. Those who said they have never Googled themselves said their wives just aren’t into that sort of thing.

This guy will end up as President

INTERNET RAGE!!!!!!!11111

That’s apparently what was felt all across the massive series of pipes and tubes recently when a young man purchased an iPad on Saturday, destroyed the item with a baseball and then put up video of him doing so on YouTube. Is Justin Kockott a man that feels great vitriol for Apple, much like our own Bryan McBournie?

No.

“I wanted to be the first one to do it before other people did it,” Kockott told the newspaper.

“It was just something to do.”

Oh, don’t mind that thunderclap-like sound, as it’s just me slapping my palm against my face. Well, at the very least, he’s probably seen the videos of popular stuff being broken, as where else would he get the idea to do so? As such, he had to have known that such an act may see a bit of … overzealous behavior from the Mac faithful for his video, right?

“I knew some people would hate it, but I didn’t think that many people would hate it,” he said.

“A lot of people are leaving really bad comments (in the YouTube comments section).”

And my younger brother wonders why I tend to complain about teenagers. As the resident Apple user at SG (note: I need more pretentious berets and black clothing in my wardrobe), I suppose that I should feel slightly angered toward him for doing such a thing-but really, I can’t. This sort of thing has been happening for year with almost every new piece of technology as soon as it comes out. What am I supposed to feel? I think a better question is where has a 19 year old managed to get at least 1500 dollars in order to afford three iPads? I certainly never had that type of money at his age. Heck, I don’t have that lean green now! Anybody wanna spare a dime for a brother in need?

You Missed It: Shots fired edition

Today’s Good Friday, and I am not at work. Why is that, you ask? Because Jesus died for my long weekend. For some reason the markets are closed today, and some lucky businesses are, too. I happen to work for one of them. So, if you’re reading this at work. Don’t worry, I’m out enjoying the sunny weather. If you were busy watching water seep into your house, odds are you missed it.

Remember where you were when you first saw the video
Erykah Badu made news this week when she released a video for a song you’ve never heard of. Without permits, crew or apparent common sense, Badu and a cameraman walked through Dealey Plaza in Dallas, where JFK was shot, as she stripped (during the video, not the assassination) in front of families and oncoming traffic. Theories abound as to the message or meaning of the video. Some fans claim there was a second camera shooting from the grassy knoll.

iHype is back after a short break
The Apple hype machine was switched on again this week, but the fanboy monster was two-headed this week. First, the iPad, Apple’s high tech take on the cafeteria lunch tray, is nearing its release date, and there aren’t enough to go around. Secondly, rumors circulated that a new iPhone could be released this year that would work on non-AT&T networks, like Verizon. With this site having a white background, all we need is some happy music and snarky tagline at the end and we’ve got an Apple commercial.

Who even knew they were married?
We found out that Sandra Bullock definitely wants a divorce from noted motorcycle person and tattoo enthusiast Jesse James because of alleged affairs with several women. We’re not talking Tiger’s numbers, but it’s up there. Also, he might like Hitler. With all of these Hollywood people sleeping around with random skanks in the same area, you have to wonder if there’s an overlap on clientele.

You Missed It: Big is the new small edition

I don’t know about you guys, but January has seemed like it’s dragged on. I’d say it’s felt easily like the longest month we’ve had this year. Let’s not forget that The Guys even took two days off this month. Ug. Anyway, it’s over now. If you were busy anticipating the Pro Bowl, you’re probably the only one, and you missed it.

I’m tired of being able type with two hands
Steve Jobs, god of all that is Apple, introduced the iPad, a much-rumored tablet computer thingy that got mixed reviews at best. You can’t multi-task, you have to use complicated wires to connect anything to it, and 3G coverage is extra (plus a monthly service fee). We don’t know about you, but we’ve been clamoring for a big-ass iTouch. Now if only there were some kind of feminine product joke to make.

And no one noticed Biden’s purple-ish tie?
The same day as the iPad’s unveiling, another grand presentation was made by another celebratedr presentation person: President Barack Obama. During his State of the Union address, Obama bashed a Supreme Court decision that opened the door for corporate campaign sponsorship. Justice Sam Alito(ooo) was caught on camera shaking his head and mouthing something that looked like “No way, that’s wrong.” Alito’s message was brought to you by Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance.

Osama, Al Gore find common ground
In a statement, Osama bin Laden called for the oil industry to separate itself from using the U.S. dollar as its standard currency, he also said climate change is all America’s fault, because, you know, it’s not like his native Saudi Arabia is the leading oil exporter in the world or anything.