Let’s leave the term microtransaction out of this

Apple has told you before in the past that there is no such thing as porn on their glorious and devoutly holy iPhone, especially in their App Store.

Rick Snee has told you otherwise.

What neither side has told you is that there a special function in the iPhone that you haven’t been told about. It’s not the Find iPhone, it’s not the Find Friends, it’s Find Prostitute! No, really, and China doesn’t exactly seem to be too keen on it. Feeling lonely at night? Need a special service that you could tip a little extra at a massage parlor? Siri might be able to help you out.

Guess what the ringtone is

Dummmm-dum. Dummmm-dum.

And now, the greatest tracker of the sea is the Apple-equipped human. Michael Domeier, host of “Shark Men,” has created an app for the iPhone and iPad that can track tagged great white sharks in real time. And baby, there are a lot of tagged great white sharks.

Well, not really. Currently, there are only 20-22 sharks that have been tagged, but each one was personally tagged by Domeier, and he’s not stopping anytime soon. Safety can now be bought for less than 4 dollars. Even better, the ability to destroy one of our greatest enemies can be had for less than 4 dollars.

Take it from Snee: Wherein I solve the world’s problems

Doo-doo is not a word I normally use in this column, but you know what? I just can’t argue with world affairs experts. The world is mired in deep, throbbing doo-doo. (Doo-doo is sex, right? That’s what kids mean when they shorten it to “doing it,” right?)

The worst part is that many of the solutions we’ve tried along the way — invading countries, adding a pinch of jasmine to revolutions, giving equal television time to aging white Republican voters and college-aged white Democrat voters (for once) — it’s all made everything worse.

But, you know what nobody’s tried, not even once? Asking me what to do. And even though that still hasn’t happened — not even after I saved the U.S. space program — I presume it’s because asking now would seem prompted.

Sit back, and let another white male take a crack at this s#@t. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Wherein I solve the world’s problems

Hindsight and dialysis are 20/20

We’ve talked to you before about the Cult of Steve. They’re a fairly extreme group of people who must have the newest Apple device or software, come Hell or high water. And for full disclosure purposes, I own a (soon to be) 3-year-old Macbook, an iPhone 3G and my iPhone 4 came into my hands a day before it went on sale nationwide. Nonetheless …

… there is no got-damn way that I’d sell my organs for an i-device. However, I’d willingly sell someone else’s organs to get an iPad 2.

Sadly, I’ll have to look somewhere other than Shanghai as a teenager’s almost beat me to it. A 17-year-old sold one of his kidneys to buy the Apple tablet. So, how did the decision turn out for him?

Apparently, not too great. According to the article, he only ended up with a laptop and an iPhone, not quite the i-device he wanted. Oh, and a bad case of buyers remorse. Maybe he’ll get lucky and only contract iAbetes!

Maaaaaybe there shouldn’t be an app for that

Apple’s been under a lot of fire recently. First, they get sued by one company; then, they decide to sue another company. It’s just not roses in Cupertino at the moment. It’s okay though, as they’ve got something to solve, at the very least, your problems as theirs are a bit more difficult.

Are you gay? Do you have an iPhone? Do you not want to be gay anymore?

Then friend, Apple’s got the app for you! Now, mind you, the creators of the app are completely within their rights to make it. On the other hand, nnnnnnnnnnnh.

Big Man of the Day Award

This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.

It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.

For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!

Also, some honorary mentions for the KBOI2.com commentors who only wish Miller had done more!

Apple not in the pesticide business … yet

This time it isn’t an employee falling off a roof or out of a window. This time, it’s pesticide.

Foxconn, the world’s largest manufacturer of electronics, is responsible for assembling the Xbox 360, the PS3, the Wii, the iPhone and more. Another thing it’s famous for: the death of its employees by suicide, along with “alleged” pressuring by industry giants regarding their products.

After 250 workers at the company’s Chennai, India plant were hospitalized, Foxconn had no choice but to shut the facility down. Workers experienced what has been described as “sensations of giddiness and nausea”. According to Foxconn, this “may have been caused by the routine spraying of pesticide at the production facility.” Whoops.

Out of the 250 hospitalized workers, 28 are still in the hospital. The plant is responsible for mobile phone parts.

For Bryan McBournie, it might be more prudent to exclaim, “Where Is Your Clean Air Now?”

The King is dead

And he will continue to stay that way, even in the digital world. After more than a year spent dancing into our hearts and gardens, objections from the King of Pop’s estate have caused PopCap Games to replace the killer Michael Jackson lookalike in Plants Vs. Zombies.

The Dancing Zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies will be removed from the game, though not from our hearts, as plans are currently underway to replace him in all versions of the game with a disco-themed imposter.

“The Estate of Michael Jackson objected to our use of the ‘dancing zombie’ in PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES based on its view that the zombie too closely resembled Michael Jackson. After receiving this objection, PopCap made a business decision to retire the original ‘dancing zombie’ and replace it with a different ‘dancing zombie’ character for future builds of PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES on all platforms. The phase-out and replacement process is underway.”

The change has already been implemented in the iPhone version of the game with the latest update, with plans to phase out the dead pop singer across all platforms. Hoo-hoo!

You Missed It: Job interview edition

I read a lot of news throughout the week. It’s part of my job, and I naturally want to stay up to date on the important subjects affecting the world. Admittedly, I avoid most celebrity news, because, well, I just don’t care. But I have to ask, who the hell is Justin Bieber, and where was he six weeks ago? It seems like he’s been on magazine covers, new stories, and random events all of a sudden. And he’s very popular with creepy older women. If you were busy resigning as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, odds are you missed it.

The bench gets steamy
President Barack Obama selection Solicitor General Elena Kagan to replace retiring Justice John Paul Jones Stevens on the bench of the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Kagan has also served as dean of Harvard Law School, but has no actual judicial experience. This has led many in the Republican party to claim Obama picked her simply because of her looks.

Send in Chuck Norris
Yet another iPhone prototype was bought, filmed and reviewed by a tech blog this week. This time, it happened in Vietnam. In a video, the phone is disassembled by someone who has long fingernails. Following in the calm, measured response Apple had to the Gizmodo leak, when the company pressured cops to break down an editor’s door, Steve Jobs is asking the U.S. military to invade Vietnam.

Angry white men
Executives from BP and Transocean, the operator and owner of the Deepwater Horizon rig that exploded and sank in the Gulf of Mexico, along with Halliburton, all blamed each other for the accident on April 20 and the ongoing oil spill during a congressional hearing. Lawmakers didn’t are, they blamed all of them anyway. Next up in the You Should Have Done Better hearings: Lebron James.

You Missed It: Five hundred thousand penny edition

Guess who’s baaaaack? That’s right, Bryan McBournie is off on vacation, which means you’re stuck with me for this week’s edition of YMI. He’s off in glorious Florida at the moment. I’m not. Now, I’m not saying that you should hunt him down and ruin his vacation, but if you do see him, it wouldn’t exactly be a crime against nature to tell him that the Pats suck. If you were busy implementing a silly social media function all over the internet, odds are you missed it.

The Bay area just can’t handle their alcohol

Nothing says internet sensation like the newest Apple product, and boy, was the internet abuzz this week. A programmer at Apple managed to lose the prototype to the newest iPhone model at a bar. Said prototype was then found by a random patron and subsequently sold to tech website Gizmodo, who, after some time, had to send the prototype to Apple. Easy come, easy go, right? Tell that to the rumored six million hits that Gizmodo experienced on just Tuesday alone.

It’s not real if it’s not true

Even though the 2010 schedules just came out, it’s a bit too early for Bryan Schools to do his predictions. Nonetheless, you might not want to put all your eggs in the Saints’ basket: quarterback Drew Brees has been selected to be the cover athlete for Madden 11 and possible occupant of the Madden Curse. Brees claims that a curse can’t happen if he doesn’t let it, while other possible candidates for the game cover, Jared Allen and Reggie Wayne, simply breathed humongous sighs of relief.

This is the stuff that boggles my mind

Larry King and current wife Shawn Southwick were set to get experience the trials of a divorce (it’s about that time of the year for him) but have appeared to call it off. The reason for it to happen? It wasn’t rumors that she was boinking a youth baseball coach (as those were confirmed by the coach), but by the rumors that King was boinking Southwick’s sister. HUH? HE’S 76 YEARS OLD AND AT DEATH’S DOOR WITH EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES! HOW, NAY, WHY WOULD WOMEN BE ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL?