Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.
No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)
And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.
If there’s an example of the crumbling of our one-great labor unions, it’s the law enforcement unions out there. Cops used to have a pretty good deal going. They got decent pay, they had good insurance and they got to beat people up now and then. They could be as racist as they wanted to be, and if someone called them out on it, they just ignored it and kept on being morally bankrupt, dignity intact. But since the early 1990s, police officers get their feelings hurt if someone writes a mean song about them. Then they pout and complain and ask people to boycott the artist who criticized them. That’s what they’re doing with Beyoncé now because they don’t like that she suggested that police officers shouldn’t shoot unarmed black people. I know there are a lot of great cops out there, and probably most of them aren’t racist. But if you are a racist cop, own it. Don’t act like you’re not, hiding behind your buddies, denying there’s a problem. If you’ve made the choice not to grow as a person anymore, just come out and say it. Don’t whine every time someone says you’re not perfect. If you were busy in a Twitter war with the pope this week, odds are you missed it.
Supreme Court position proves to be death sentence once again
When Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died last weekend, politicians wanted to properly and soberly mourn the man’s passing by immediately telling President Barack Obama what to do. Democrats asked him to nominate a judge immediately, while many Republicans asked him not to nominate anyone. All 73 GOP presidential candidates shared this opinion because they want to nominate someone. Donald Trump said he would nominate his good friend Judge Judy, while Rep. Ted Cruz said he would nominate Judge Lance Ito to support diversity on the bench and because “that FX show is really cool.”
Data-collecting companies now defending privacy
This week, Apple said it would not comply with an FBI request to unlock the iPhones of the San Bernadino shooters, citing privacy concerns, and the fact that the terrorists are still dead. The move was praised by privacy advocates and criticized by those who want to see the investigation completed. In a letter explaining his company’s position, CEO Tim Cook suggested that the FBI instead set the iPhones’ date back to Jan. 1, 1970 and see what happens.
New musical overlords named
The 58th Grammys–or as the kids call them, The Grandmothers–were held on Sunday. Big winners included Taylor Swift, Kendrick Lamar, and the cast of Hamilton. I don’t really have any gags for this one, I just needed an excuse to write gag in the first line.
Television has made a lot of advancements over the decades. But as I watched last night’s Jets-Bills game (there was nothing else on) I wondered if color TV was a misstep. Nike introduced the first of their “color explosion” jerseys last night, and they are aptly named. The Bills were decked out in cherry red from the shoulders down, while the Jets were pretty much solid green. It was like watching a bunch of fire hydrants against fake Christmas trees. As if a matchup like that isn’t hard enough to watch normally. If you were busy kicking the media out of your protest this week, you missed it.
Give the gift of unwelcome sexual advances
Fresh off the Starbucks red cup outrage–whatever it was–another company has offended holiday shoppers more than a month away from the holidays where people buy things for other people. Bloomingdale’s, which apparently is still a thing, ran an ad this week suggesting that you “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” That’s undeniably rape-y sounding, but what’s more offensive is that Bloomingdale’s assumes that I would associate with anyone who drinks eggnog that doesn’t have booze in it, much less call them a BFF.
This week, reports surfaced that the reason Gwen Stefani is divorcing Gavin Rossdale is that she found pictures and messages between the Bush frontman and the nanny going back for years on an iPad synced to his iPhone. So please explain to your niece or nephew who these people are and why this is important.
Shots put in shot putters
It was revealed this week that there was widespread doping on the Russian Olympic team during the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Observers say the first clue was when a Russian pole vaulter broke a pole over his knee and then cleared the 20-foot bar without it.
Hey, you know how early adopters of the iPhone 6 Plus are complaining that their phones are bending in their pockets? One man has the answer for this tragedy, and it should come as no surprise that that man is a psychic.
Rather than blame poor engineering or fat legs, Uri Geller says it’s “mental forces” that are causing it. Geller went on to ask Apple to hire him as a spokesman to deal with this crisis. He would explain that the company is not to blame for the flaw.
Because nothing calms nervous shareholders like hiring a psychic.
While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.
Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?
You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.
Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?
Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.
You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.
The following has been translated for those who do not live in the Midwest.
Last fall, an Oklahoma farmer lost his iPhone in a grain bin. (Translation: Apparently they have cell service even out on the farms of Oklahoma. One farmer dropped his in one of those big silos you see on farms.)
Nine months later, he received a call from a worker in Japan who found it and sent it back to him. (See, the U.S. doesn’t use all of the grain it produces. It exports quite a bit of it. And the farmer’s grain–and phone–were exported to Japan. The farmer’s iPhone was probably wasn’t the latest version, which means it’s worthless in Japan, even to a grain mill worker.)
The farmer was glad to have his phone returned to him. (Even though he probably replaced it the week it went missing.)
How many times have you wanted to quit your job, but found you were too lazy to get up from your desk and do it? Do you have a really intimidating boss, and just can’t stand to face him in person? Luckily, there’s an app for you.
The Quit Your Job app for iPhone does exactly what its name says. It quits your job for you, via text message. So now, instead of being all professional about it, or taking time to really think things through, you can be impulsive and passive aggressive.
Unfortunately, Quit Your Job does not have a Can I Count On You As A Reference? sister app just yet.
What neither side has told you is that there a special function in the iPhone that you haven’t been told about. It’s not the Find iPhone, it’s not the Find Friends, it’s Find Prostitute! No, really, and China doesn’t exactly seem to be too keen on it. Feeling lonely at night? Need a special service that you could tip a little extra at a massage parlor? Siri might be able to help you out.
Well, not really. Currently, there are only 20-22 sharks that have been tagged, but each one was personally tagged by Domeier, and he’s not stopping anytime soon. Safety can now be bought for less than 4 dollars. Even better, the ability to destroy one of our greatest enemies can be had for less than 4 dollars.