Iran does not like them apples, Ben

Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.
Director Ben Affleck was unable to sneak Argo past Iranian government officials and film critics despite growing a beard and eschewing a tie.

Iranian cultural officials and movie critics have taken umbrage over Argo winning the Academy Award for Best Picture. (Get in line behind Stephen Spielberg, Kathryn Bigelow, Ang Lee and Quentin Tarantino, guys.)

Meeting at a conference called “The Hoax of Hollywood,” they screened the film and tried to figure out who they can sue for what they call pro-CIA, anti-Iran propaganda. According to reports, they’ve even approached a lawyer, Isabelle Coutant-Peyre, who previously represented Carlos the Jackal, presumably in his lawsuit against being caught by Richard Gere in The Jackal.

This is not the first time Iran has taken umbrage with an American movie. They also objected to The Wrestler300 and Not Without My Daughter. Well, say what you will about Mickey Rourke and Gerard Butler, but not liking Sally Field? Iran, you clearly don’t know the first thing about the Academy Awards.

Iranian president to be President of Space?

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to be the very first human astronaut for the country. Senator John McCain isn’t as up on the idea as Ahmadinejad might be.

That said, if you’re “willing to sacrifice [your] life for Iran’s space program,” we wouldn’t have a lot of faith in a program that makes you willing to sacrifice your life.

You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

Oh, Canada / Who knew that you are governed?

In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?

And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.

Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”

Who would’ve thought having a tattooed penis would yield negative side-effects?

On this site, there’s been talk of tattoos throughout the years. This is a story that will not be in the favor of those with them.

A 21 year old Iranian, as 21 year olds are wont to do, decided to make a bad decision. This bad decision involved tattoo ink, a tattoo needle and his own genitals. Having “good luck on your journeys” written in Persian script on his dingle-dongle, no problems should’ve arisen. Except he’s now been left with a semi-permanent erection. That’s gotta be awkward.

Urologists are suggesting that the tattoo needle went in too deep (damning words for the 21 year old), creating fistulas that kept the blood flowing in but not out. Zombie-schlong has refused additional treatment, and it’s been rumored that he’s now going around trying to see how many hats he can put on his body.

Ayatollah to stop using black magic already!

Ali Khamenei, the grand poobah of Iran, isn’t too keen on President Ahmadinejad at the moment. The president had decided to not officially support Khamenei’s decision to reinstate a minister that Ahmadinejad had originally made resign. As such, Ali has issued a public statement that the president had better get with the program or he. Is. Outta here!

In almost as many words.

Now, normally, that would be pretty interesting news to hear, but for SG, well, The Guys need that certain something.

The rift between the two men grew when the president staged an 11-day walkout in an apparent protest at Khamenei’s decision.

No, that’s not it.

Although Khamenei is not constitutionally allowed to intervene in cabinet appointments, an unwritten law requires all officials to always abide by the supreme leader without showing any opposition.

Nnnnnnh, it almost seems like it’s missing something.

Supporters of Khamenei say that Ahmadinejad is surrounded by “deviants” in his inner circle, including his controversial chief of staff, Esfandiar Rahim Mashaei, who wants to undermine the involvement of clerics in Iran’s politics. Mashaei and his allies have recently been accused of using supernatural powers and invoking djinns (spirits) in pursuing the government’s policies.

Bingo. SG sweet spot achieved.

Happy Valentine’s Day, infidel

Now that all of the stores have taken down their Martin Luther King, Jr. Day decorations (which seem to go up earlier and earlier every year), it’s time to now focus on Valentine’s Day.

However, not everybody is into the Valentine’s spirit.

Iran has unofficially banned the holiday, calling it’s celebration “the spread of Western culture.” The printing works owners’ union has issued a ban on any materials featuring “hearts, half-hearts, [and] red roses” and “any activities promoting this day.”

Sounds like somebody in a certain government couldn’t land themselves a date, much less get laid with a stack of veils at a bikini contest.

Eight arms, but only one life

Remember Paul the Octopus? He correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games this summer. He was beloved by many, and captured the soccer world’s heart for a few weeks. And now he’s dead.

Paul was found dead in his tank (or as they call them in Germany, “panzer”) yesterday. Dying of what appear to be natural causes. Let us not forget that Paul had enemies. He pissed off the Germans–usually a bad move–when he correctly predicted their loss to Spain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was a symbol of the evil West’s obsession with superstition, and well, there’s The Guys.

Yeah, we think it was Iran, too.

‘Presume’ nothing with tigers

A woman was caught by Thai airport security with a sedated tiger cub in her carry-on bag. She attempted to smuggle the world’s orangest dangerous animal by filling the bag around it with stuffed toy tigers.

So, Time. If the tiger cub’s so “presumably adorable,” then how come it stuck out like a sore thumb against so many precious stuffed animals? Sounds like it was too ugly to pass the Hobbes Fantasy vs. Reality Tiger Test.

But that’s not the end of the story. The tiger’s destination? Iran.