Tag: Iran

Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama

Look at that: she can't even grow that middle part of her mustache.I normally stay out of the affairs of other countries, especially when it concerns cultural taboos. I mean, I live in a state where it’s illegal to see a stripper’s vagina … unless I take her home. (The industry refers to this as a “to-go box.”) And even when I get her there, I have to churn it all Amish-style, because vibrators are contraband. So, who am I to talk, right?

But, every now and then, one of the hundred or so non-American nations out takes a stance so ludicrous that I have to take notice.

Iran–surprise, surprise–arrested several college students who were protesting their current government. All in all, it’s a normal day at the University of Couscous Online, except that, according to police, these students tore up and burned pictures of current Ayatollah Khamenei and founding Ayatollah Khomeini.

Why would I care? It’s not like I turned my Twitter avatar green or scan Fox News for any excuse to invade Middle Eastern countries. However, I, too, have a little history with “graven images.”

There’s something I learned not too long ago: pictures aren’t real. The camera doesn’t steal your soul, and Back to the Future is impossible. (Not because it’s a movie, but because the paradox that time travel creates makes fourth dimensional regression physically difficult.)

So, if someone attaches that much importance to any picture, they’re retarded. And if they attach that importance to a picture of themselves, then you could drown them with a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

It is with these people in mind that I present the following gallery: You’re an Idiot, Now Go Cry Home to Mama. Continue reading Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama

What Would You Do?

Also, 'butterscotch.'Let’s say you’re the questionably-reelected leader of a country that wants to develop nuclear technology.

Now let’s say the rest of the world is against that idea because you’re in missile range of a country that you and your government wish didn’t exist anymore.

Would you:

A. Show these world leaders plans for a nuclear-powered multicultural center, where children can learn peace and understanding about their neighbors, even though the Jews’ skin isn’t green like theirs?

B. At least pretend to believe that the Holocaust happened until you get the materials necessary to provide cheap energy for your country.

C. Deny the Holocaust, boasting that “the anger of professional killers is (a source of) pride for us” and add that this means Israel shouldn’t exist in the first place.

If you answered C, then you too could be the leader of nuke-free Iran!

Obama launches Iran D&D expansion

Continuing our report on last week’s premier of President Obama’s Path to Peace Dungeons and Dragons campaign, it appears that the North Korea realm is stalled while U.S. players roll to see if they can search their boats.*

*Helpful Hint: Dwarves wearing Lady’s Sunglasses (+2 stealth) could potentially fit in with the crew.

In the meantime, Dungeon Master Obama has launched an expansion campaign for Iran. It starts the same, only this time, the Path to Peace on the game map is marked by its name in Elftongue: “the clear, open Path to International Acceptance.”

This would require trait sets of honesty and candor, and it couldn’t hurt to roll for bonus charisma and initiative–both of which the wizard Khomeini and his gnome underling, Ahmadinejad, severely lack after their mana-draining Thrown Election.

Iran terminates spy pigeons, Robert Rodriguez intrigued by concept

Maybe Iran isn’t so bad after all?

So, imagine this: you’re the head of a country. You’re really keen on getting your uranium. I mean, who isn’t, right? OK, so you’re just minding your own business, uranium-ing around when all of sudden, you’re being bombarded! Oh no! You’re being spied upon! By pigeons, no less! Quick, eradicate them! You have to. It’s a matter of national security! I mean, when you’re being spied upon by insidious pigeons with invisible strings, no cost is too great.

……

Hold on–“invisible strings”? OK, nevermind. Iran, you’re a bunch of dummies. Also, animals? Stop it. We don’t need you all to incite the human race into fighting each other, thank you very much.

The McBournie Minute: The end is near

The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.

The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near

How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

We found out recently that while chef Julia Child was showing her chops as a cook, she was leading a secret double life, cooking up how to defeat the Nazis. Yes, Julia Child is among several nearly-or-almost-dead famous people who were part of the U.S. Office of Strategic Services, the pre-CIA.

We found out in his autobiography that Gong Show creator and host Chuck Barris was a CIA operative, even while he was on the show (something which has never truly been confirmed or denied). This raises the question: who among our current celebrities is involved in covert operations? That’s why The Guys bring you how to tell if a celebrity is really a spy. Continue reading How To: Tell if a celebrity is really a spy

Spitzer-gate: Worldwide edition

Everyone sitting down? Good.

Now, you’re probably going to be shocked to hear this, but a prominent public official trusted with the strict enforcement of the law and “moralizing” of the people has been caught patronizing several highly-paid prostitutes. Of course, I’m talking about the police chief of Tehran, Iran, but you know, it’s the same difference and junk!

Oh yeah … and that other guy did some stuff too.

Iran catches up with 1957 USSR

SeriouslyLadies and Gentlemen, we have a tie for Picture of the Day and Headline of the Day, courtesy of crazy Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the confused British writers at The Guardian.

When asked about his 3D glasses, the little guy replied, “I’m glad you asked tha–Holy crap! My hand looks like it’s going to touch my face!”

When his hand did, in fact, touch his face, he was startled, but quickly regained composure.

Image: “Old Tin Toy” by Louise Docker