Aren’t jobs a kind of bribery?

Corruption is on the rise according to a survey by Transparency International.

The Berlin-based nonprofit organization based this partially on a finding that one quarter of 91,500 surveyed people paid a bribe to an institution or government-provided service. 90 percent of Liberians and 86 percent of Nigerians reported paying a bribe.

And the most corrupt countries–Somalia, Afghanistan, Burma, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Sudan and Turkmenistan–achieved their most corrupt nations’ status by attempting to bribe Transparency International for better rankings.

Just add Petraeus

The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.

This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.

Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!

You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)

Some seriously U.S. wars updates

When it comes to wars, The Guys are starting to overstretch our resources. At last count we’re engaged on four fronts and with some real heavyweights, like robots, every animal in the world, extraterrestrial intelligence and the entire concept of education.

The U.S. fights a lot more wars–albeit against punier opponents like potheads and religious fanatics–so sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what our benevolent leaders are waging against. To keep you informed, we bring you A Seriously U.S. Wars Update.

It turns out there may be more to Afghanistan than poppies and Muhammad fanboys who–like our own fanboys–have poor hygiene and fear the touch of women. U.S. geologists have discovered large untapped deposits of copper, iron and lithium and believe this could help draw more international aid. Because when we think of improving living conditions for a people that have been impoverished by unchecked religion, war and corruption, we think of mining.

After over seven years of searching for chemical weapons in Iraq, U.S. forces have finally found them.

Illegal Immigration
According to an expert witness, Arizona is “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.” That was Gov. Jan Brewer, who is experimenting with a new method of curbing illegal immigration: paint your state as a hellhole so that nobody will enter it.

So, in summation, America is winning!

Nicknames less cool when prosecution uses them

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Blackwater nicknaming ritual …

Sgt. Blutarsky: From now on, your Blackwater nickname is “Weasel.”

From now on, your name is “Mothball.”

Kroger, your Blackwater nickname is “Pinto.”

Kroger: Why “Pinto?”

Sgt. Blutarsky: [belches] Why not?!

Dorfman: What’s my Blackwater name?

Sgt. Blutarsky: Dorfman, I’ve given this a lot of thought. From now on … your name is “Savage Viking.”

Dorfman: … “Savage Viking?

Apparently, Blackwater’s attorneys think it reflects poorly on their defendants when their mercenary nicknames are used in court during muder trials. Really, who would convict someone named “Murder” of murder based solely on their name? That seems awfully “Extreme” or even “Savage.”

Let this blog state for the record that I want my Blackwater nickname to be Jagged Metal Cock.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

The ‘Can you hear me now’ guy is an infidel

Being a refugee is tough, regardless of where you are. Resources are scarce, there’s little or no plan to go along with, and people keep trying to rape your daughters. Luckily, the United Nations is here for you.

If you happen to have fled your Iraqi homeland for Syria to escape the slaughter and civil unrest going on in what was once your neighborhood,  you are now taken care of. All you need is your cell phone so you can receive a text message from the U.N. for a good voucher.

What’s that? You forgot your cell phone when the Shiites ran you out of town, and you would not have paid your bill this month anyway because you have no source of income at the moment, and even if you had, you’re in a different country partially covered in desert so you have no service? Well I guess you should have planned ahead!

Online dating is hell

Online dating sites are corrupting America, and we’re not talking about erotic ads on craigslist. Apparently, the number of members of our military joining those sites is huge. This means that rather than being hooked on various kinds of drugs, like in Vietnam, our fighting men and women are now becoming addicted to love.

What is the world coming to? Every one of us knows that online dating is the enemy and a dangerous gateway. You know, first you start dating people, then you start posting cutesy pictures of each other on your Facebook page, pretty soon, you’re telling everyone how great this person is, nauseating everyone within earshot. Folks, this is not what our troops need. They need to remain celibate like Jesus and focused on the fight so they can come home alive and start a baby boom.

Our brave servicemen and women need to stop thinking about who winked back at them and lay down some covering fire.

Like killing dogs? Head to Baghdad

If there’s one thing we all love, it’s war reporting. Whether it’s Edward R. Murrow hanging a microphone out his window during the bombing of London or Geraldo Rivera giving away troop positions by drawing in the sand, we just can’t get enough. We’ve got a piece of fine news reporting from CNN, oddly enough, it seems we’re winning the War on Animals in Iraq. Let’s listen in.

“The shotgun blast rips into the stray dog’s midsection, sending it tumbling over and over. Agonizing yelps echo through the streets as it tries to reach and bite at the gaping wound. Minutes later, the dog is dead.

“A few miles away, a puppy eats a piece of poisoned meat. Its body starts to twitch and spasm as the toxins kick in. It dies within 15 minutes.”

Boy howdy does that sound good! To our brave men and women in the service: tell us your story about how you’re helping us win the War on Animals. We’d be honored to feature it right here on SG. Thank you for your sacrifice.

You Missed It: So long and thanks for all the kickbacks edition

We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.

Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.

Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.

And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?

Military gets gay over soldiers’ feelings

OK, so there’s talk that President Obama might lift the ban on gays in the military — you know, because there definitely aren’t any gays or lesbians in the military right now.

The hold-up to lifting any such ban is that there are soldiers who will have a problem with it.

This, of course, makes perfect sense, since the military can’t order soldiers to serve with people they don’t like, right? We’re sure that racist soldiers don’t have to serve with openly black soldiers, right? And sexist soldiers don’t have to serve with women, correct?

Sure, there was that one time a Protestant soldier had to serve with Catholic and Jewish platoon mates, but we all had a laugh about that … eventually.

Fortunately, today’s military worries about the special interests of her soldiers, protecting them from the big scary gays, so they can serve in s–tholes like Iraq without fear (or understanding).

The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?

We are now in the waning days of the Bush administration and it appears no one is happier about that than President George Bush himself. He’s been taking time to dance with children, crack jokes in a less-smug manner and even visit some of the places he bombed one last time.

Yet, not everyone wants to play along with Nostalgia Fest 2008: Oh, The Places We Went. In fact, some places didn’t like their visitor a good measure more than they dislike the average tourist. Bush was speaking at a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki when an Iraqi journalist yelled at him and threw both his shoes at him. (Video of the disturbing attack here.)

This is yet another example of the liberal media. They throw shoes at Bush and shout insults at him when they should be taking notes and asking questions in an unbiased manner. Instead, they let their personal, left-wing convictions get in the way, and once again, professionalism takes a back seat. And don’t think that’s not a huge insult he was throwing at our president. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shoes in Iraq, much less good ones? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Honestly, who throws shoes anymore?