Tag: iraq

Video games will kill you

Iowa State University would have you believe that video games aren’t safe.

Iowa State University would like to it known that video games are causing aggressive behavior in children regardless of their cultural surroundings, which is totally not a case of kids being kids.

Iowa State University would like you to think that a new study from their merry halls shows several parallels to a recent Japanese study.

Iowa State University isn’t telling you the whole truth.

Video games will kill you. Video games are nothing but a tool of Al Qaeda. You want proof?

One detainee is said to have been schooled in making detonators out of Sega game cartridges.

That’s some old school destruction, and I’m not talking about the kind found in Gunstar Heroes. Whoever gets the job tonight won’t have to deal with just the fallout of the War in Iraq, Guantanamo Bay and the crash of Wall Street, but also the destructive capabilities of old copies of Mutant League Football.

Putin: ‘B-b-b-but they did it!’

For a not-president-of-Russia-anymore, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sure has a lot to say about the invasion of Georgia. (They’re now up to ceasefire number 28: one more beats the Israeli-Palestinian monthly record!)

Putin now accuses the United States of starting this war, claiming our government encouraged Georgia to oppress South Ossetia and dispatched agents to orchestrate the entire affair.

Nice try, Putin. We wrote the book on making up other countries’ involvement in our wars (see: Iraq and 9/11). Don’t try to snow a snowman.

Bonus alternate punchline:
Oh, c’mon. We can’t be responsible for all of today’s wars! Mel Gibson has a theory you could borrow.

McCain: Money doesn’t grow on trees, etc.

Nation, we’re a country with no thrift. You see it every-dang-day as we spend hard-earned money on whatsits, like iPods and corned beef. (What’s wrong with regular-old cornless beef?)

It’s at this time that we need something — or rather someone — to kick us in the butt and nip this egregious spending spree in the bud. That something — or someone — is John McCain.

As a proud papa, McCain pledges the following in his plan to balance the budget by 2013:

  • Turn off that light. Are you still in the bathroom? No? Then turn it off.
  • Close the G.D. refrigerator door. We’re not refrigerating the entire world. Besides, you’re getting kind of fat, anyway.
  • Take care of your shoes. You don’t need new boots. Do you know when John bought his? 1946. You know how they’ve lasted so long? He polishes them and gets them resoled.
  • No unnecessary travel. Wait, we spent how much to send you to Iraq? And now you want to come back after only five years? John doesn’t think so. Traveling home costs money — money we don’t have.

You Missed It: We’ll all float on edition

Welcome to the end of May. Coincidentally, it also happens to be yours truly’s birthday. Please, hold your applause. If you were busy landing on another planet this week, odds are you missed it.

Balloon designed to float really high does so
French skydiver Michael Fournier was probably a little frustrated when he watched his balloon float away with his hopes of breaking a record on Tuesday. He had planned to break the world record for highest skydive, but then the balloon came untethered and floated away accidentally before Fournier could even get in, much less jump. France promptly surrendered.

Pressed secretary
Former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan released a book this week that raised some eyebrows in Washington. McClellan said national security advisers in the Bush administration served the president very poorly leading up to and going into the war in Iraq. He charges the administration of spinning important intelligence and intentionally leaking classified information. These and other revelations can be found in McClellan’s book, Things I Probably Should Have Told You Five Years Ago.

‘Nsync creator now ‘Njail
Ron Perlman, former manager of 90s boy bands ‘Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, was sentenced to 25 years in a federal prison, after being convicted of conspiracy, money laundering and other charges. Prosecutors said he swindled more than $200 million from investors through his business, which began in the 80s. Noticeably missing from the list of charges: crimes against humanity for getting those stupid songs stuck in our heads for years.

Undiscovered tribe found in Brazil
An “uncontacted tribe” was found and photographed by helicopter in a remote part of the Amazon rain forest. The Indians are pictured looking in confusion at the aircraft and even pointing bows and arrows at it. A nonprofit group said there are around 100 uncontacted tribes worldwide. The photographers celebrated the find by dropping iPhones, teen magazines and smallpox down to the natives.

Take it from Snee: I am an American-American

Not too long ago, I wrote about my harrowing experience at a Taco Bell where the cashier refused to speak English. (Despite my best efforts, she also refused to go home. Taco Bell, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers!) At the end of that piece, I promised to fulfill my new calling: combating injustice in the United States of America. If you recall, I also asked all of you to do the same.

Imagine my shock to find that the entire country has ignored my cause. Maybe I spoke too much truth, because the truth hurts and there are a lot of defensive people out there. I am encountering even more assaults on my American-American roots. That’s right: I’m so American that I’m a minority amongst Americans. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am an American-American

The enemy hits a new low

There are some issues that even we here at SG stay away from. There are just some topics you can’t find the lighter side in, at least not without hitting some nerves. That’s why we stay away from important topics like Iraq, women’s issues and Britney Spears. Until recently, there was a fourth taboo topic on that list, but because of our dedication to covering the War on Animals, we are going to cover it. Yes, our animal enemies have stooped to rape.

A New Zealand man told police he had been raped by a wombat. Really. But already a victim, the courts did not take a kind view to his story and sentenced him to 75 hours of community service. The man was unable to prove in court that he had been violated by said animal and was found to have been wasting police time.

The man had called police ranting about being raped by a wombat and said he needed immediate assistance. Shortly afterward, he called back and said he was OK and that the wombat had “pulled out.” Yeesh.

Quite possibly the greatest quote of all time: “‘Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know, I didn’t hurt my bum at all.'”

If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault from an animal, please don’t hesitate to get help.

Booze News: Ladies’ Night edition

The Guys are all about women, especially the drunk variety. In keeping with news about boozy broads, we have another edition of Booze News that is all about those with two X chromosomes and a rather high BAC.

Thanks to Boris Yeltsin, it’s no secret that vodka is the favorite spirit of Russia. But did you know that Russian men seem to drink it more than Russian women? One distiller has seen this niche market and plans to tap it with new Damskaya, or “Ladies” vodka.

Dames: Are you heading out to the gym? Instead of some fancy sports drink or even water, why not bring along something that looks like water–vodka. Finishing off that salad lunch? Good for you, you’re so health-conscious. Time to celebrate with a nip!

Next up for the lady lushes is wine. We all know that only females and Frenchmen drink wine, anyway. A Dutch man, seen here looking like Saddam Hussein shortly after being captured, who makes wine, has insured his nose for $8 million. This will help keep him going in case something happens. Because, as you know, one drinks wine through the nose. Only peasants drink it through the mouth.