Israel passes ‘Why don’t they eat something?’ modeling bill

Israel is the latest nation to join the “No Skinny Models” club.

Their legislature has passed a new law that requires all models — male and female — to pass a body mass index test that was administered by a licensed physician before they can be hired for modeling jobs. They have to have a BMI of 18.5 or above, otherwise, no catwalk, ad or billboard fame. Additionally, advertisers must state in a clear graphic if the model has been photoshopped into appearing thinner.

One of the lawmakers behind the bill, Rachel Adato, believes that this will help promote healthier body images for women and, by extension, help curb rising anorexia and other eating disorders statistics.

However, that’s not to say this bill doesn’t have it’s own victims, and by that, I mean all the people stuck in line behind models in Israel’s All-You-Can-Eat kosher buffets.

Archaeologists find earliest evidence of Peter Benchley in 1st Century tomb

A group of archaeologists who thought they found Jesus’ tomb a few years back believes they struck paydirt again, this time unearthing what may be the earliest grave ever marked with the Jesus fish. The inscription (see above) is theorized to represent Jonah — the testicle hanging off the fish’s lip — being eaten by the fish God sent after him. (It was the Old Testament. Fatherhood really changes a deity.)

The tomb in question dates back to the 1st Century. Previously, the Jesus fish has only been found on tombs as far back as the 2nd Century, when early Christians believed in adorning the most expensive thing they owned with faith-advertisements and representations of how many times they’ve procreated.

Even if you don’t believe, just remember: one day in the future, somebody is going to unearth your remains and think you might be Steve Jobs because you insisted on being buried with your iPad.

We smell a cyber rat

No, we’re not talking about the return of the Cybermen on the most recent episode of Doctor Who. But, according to this story, that’s not far off.

Scientists from Tel Aviv University in Israel have restored brain function in test rats’ disabled cerebellums (they started on the right track) with a synthetic one (and then leapt right off onto the wrong one). Sure, they only taught the rat to blink to a sound tone, but the goal is to eventually “replicate complex areas of the brain,” which could restore full function to the disabled or even improve undamaged brains.

The only silver lining is that there will now be some competition with the cockroaches to succeed the human race should we lose this war.

SyFy Channel movie, meet real life

I’m calling it now: NUCLEAR DEATH JELLYFISH.

Doubt me if you will, but at least be aware of the facts. A metric crap-ton (roughly millions) of jellyfish made their way into nuclear reactors in both Israel and Japan. The power plant in Japan had to be shut down, and in Israel, the sea-water cooling system was clogged, which is never a good thing. Scientists have no idea at the moment why the poisonous jam entities are going after dangerous structures such as nuclear power plants, but just like aglets, we can only assume that their purpose is sinister.

It gets worse. If they become irradiated, a lifetime of comics tells me that the jellyfish will mutate into monsters. We may not jsut end up with some kind of Eldritch horror, we may end up with an electric Eldritch horror. Someone get the Ghostbusters suited up and enlisted, just in case.

Oh, the emails we’re going to get

Don’t get us wrong: American racists are some of the finest racists in the world. Sure, Mel Gibson carries most of the team like Michael Vick in the Iditarod, but a ring is a ring, right? So, know that we’re not dissing our ignorant, homegrown bigots.

That said: When it comes to racism, there are racists, and then there are paranoid, delusional racists.

It takes a special level of irrational hatred to believe that the Hebrews next door are attacking your homeland with birds and fish. Not only is it absurd to think that anyone has that kind of Beastmaster control over animals, but that condor doesn’t even look Jewish.

Today’s attire: ‘protest casual’

Demonstrating precisely why they get paid half as much as their defense and intelligence counterparts, Israeli foreign ministry workers are protesting their low wages by dressing down in the work place.

Calling it “a strike,” the diplomatic employees have refused to wear a suit and tie to work. However, they still show up to work and perform work duties, only in jeans and flip-flops.*

The dispute has lasted six months now, but we only just noticed because Israel rarely engages in diplomacy nowadays.

*Fun Fact:
In some regions, flip-flops are called sandals, tongs, slippers or Buffett low-kickers.

You Missed It: Front and center edition

The World Cup is here. No, really, it is. I had the same reaction, myself, “Hey, is that the international soccer thing?” Turns out, yes it is, and they play it only once every four years. It’s like the Olympics of soccer–if the Olympics didn’t have soccer. If you were busy getting your iPad hacked, odds are you missed it.

Helen Thomas retires, wig’s fate uncertain
Reporter Helen Thomas goes against the grain. First off, she’s a woman reporter, and she’s been one much longer than society trusted females with writing news stories. On top of that, she’s an anti-Semite (take THAT, everyone who thinks “the Jews” control the media!). Thomas, who has been part of the White House Press corps. since the Lincoln administration, stepped down this week after she said in a video interview that Israelis should go home and give Palestine back. The Jews who control the media were not pleased.

Chicago has only one cursed team left
The Chicago Blackhawks are the latest team to end a championship drought, after winning the Stanley Cup this week. The Blackhawks defeated the Philadelphia Flyers in six games. This is Chicago’s first Cup since 1961, and means a lot to–hey! HEY! Come back, I’ll move on. I promise.

What you talkin’ ’bout, Shannon?
Right on time, the fight for Gary Coleman’s legacy has begun. Despite being divorced since 2008, Shannon Price believes she has the final say over Coleman’s estate, especially his money. Oh, and she also sold a picture of herself with him on his death bed to tabloids. Has anyone told this grave gold digger that Gary Coleman really didn’t have that much money?

Thank god it wasn’t a sex scandal

The Guys prepared for the worst when we heard the longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas retired in an uproar. Fortunately, there is no sex tape, just some anti-Semitism.

In a Youtube video last week, Thomas suggested that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine,” and “go home” to “Poland, Germany … and America and everywhere else.”

Of course, the big issue for the other correspondents is her prime front row seat in the White House press room. Sides are already being staked out as the news reporters are suggesting that the seat isn’t appropriate for opinion writers.

See? It’s just like if you were forced to resign from your job for taking an nonobjective side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

What Would You Do?

Also, 'butterscotch.'Let’s say you’re the questionably-reelected leader of a country that wants to develop nuclear technology.

Now let’s say the rest of the world is against that idea because you’re in missile range of a country that you and your government wish didn’t exist anymore.

Would you:

A. Show these world leaders plans for a nuclear-powered multicultural center, where children can learn peace and understanding about their neighbors, even though the Jews’ skin isn’t green like theirs?

B. At least pretend to believe that the Holocaust happened until you get the materials necessary to provide cheap energy for your country.

C. Deny the Holocaust, boasting that “the anger of professional killers is (a source of) pride for us” and add that this means Israel shouldn’t exist in the first place.

If you answered C, then you too could be the leader of nuke-free Iran!

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.