Scientists bent on creating super spiders

Spiders, despite having one time created a superhero, are awful. They are creepy, they spin nasty webs, and they’re probably plotting against us. But what if scientists gave them the ability to spin super-strong webs?

A team of researchers in the Italy and the U.K. have figured out a way to make spiders poop out webs that are so strong they can support a person’s weight. How do they do it? By feeding the spiders a graphene solution. The plan is to use the enhanced spider silk to make stronger parachutes or cables.

But we all know that it’s only a matter of time before the creatures figure out what they need to eat to create this webbing, and then they’ll start catching us all.

Demonic possession is grounds for divorce in Italy

Zuuly, you nut!

Here in America, they hand out divorces like free samples companies used to give out before they had budget cuts. But it’s not nearly that easy to end your marriage in Italy. In some cases, it takes an act of Satan.

An Italian court has granted a man a divorce from his wife because she is possessed by the devil. He claimed that since 2007, the woman has been displaying unusual behavior, which include an incident where she threw a church pew wind a single hand, and eyewitness account of her levitating. A priest, a monk and even her own sister attested to the woman’s strange behavior, and if people like that will testify against you, you’ve got to be a huge bitch.

Reportedly, exorcisms haven’t worked, and doctors can’t find a medical explanation for the woman’s behavior.

This guy has been living that “There is no Dana, only Zuul” scene from Ghostbusters for 10 years — without 300 ccs of thorazine. He should be up for sainthood.

You Missed It: Hot water edition

The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.
The fountain and Nickelodeon Studios was shut down for the same reason.

Hi folks. It’s been a couple weeks. Anything big happen? Oh right. Hey, so just remember that people aren’t all one thing. Trump voters aren’t all racists. Clinton voters aren’t all coming for your guns. There are certainly those elements in both groups, but people are wonderfully diverse and complex. We’re programmed to mentally lump groups together, and it’s easy to do that. We all have different experiences, priorities and points of view. We had a bad roll of the dice for leadership choices this time around. We’ll do better next time. Until then, let’s talk to each other and remind ourselves that we’re all living, breathing humans–except for the racists. If you were busy doing the mannequin challenge this week, odds are you missed it.

This week, it was revealed that a man in Yellowstone National Park ignored all the warning signs and went up to a geyser looking to take a relaxing dip. He then fell into the scalding hot, acidic water and ended up dying. If that’s not 2016 in a nutshell, nothing is.

Heh, we said ‘titular’
Disney’s “Moana” will be coming to theaters soon enough, but when it opens in Italy, it will have a different name. The movie is named after its lead. The titular character is a Polynesian princess that goes on some sort of an adventure. But in Italy the movie will be called “Oceania” because the name Moana is closely associated there with an adult film star Moana Pozzi. This is name change is expected to save millions of Italian men from going to the wrong movie.

Fashion person thinks she’s important
Designer Sophie Theallet has pledged to not dress future First Lady Melania Trump, and is encouraging other designers to do the same, because ohgodwhocaresit’sjustclothes.

Pirates want cruise ships out of Venice

Venice is widely known as one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, perhaps even the world. Rather than have streets, its citizens get around by boat through a series of canals–at least that’s how it looks in the movies, we’ve never actually been. But now, the city is being overrun with pirates.

Venetians are reportedly upset that big cruise ships are allowed to make their way through one of the city’s largest canals. They say the parade of huge ships hurts the beauty of the city’s skyline, and the cruise ships may be hurting the fragile foundations of Venice. That’s why they are dressing up like pirates and shouting at every ship that comes along.

An estimated 1,000 citizens joined to yell anti-cruise ship slogans and play anti-cruise ship music at ships recently. The people on board probably thought it was just a warm welcome.

Bros drink bottle of wine

Why Crimea? Love like theirs isn’t legal in Russia.

Most people don’t cause an international incident when they visit a winery. But most people aren’t Vladimir Putin and Silvio “Bunga Bunga” Berlusconi.

While broing out in Russian-controlled Crimea recently, Putin and Berlusconi went on a tour of a historic winery (they’re European, they bro-out differently), and likely drank a bottle of wine treasured as Ukrainian history. They reportedly drank a bottle of 1775 Jeres de la Frontera, worth more than $90,000.

Perhaps the most shocking part of this story is that it’s not what Putin and Berlusconi did while they drank, it’s what they drank.

You guys, something’s wrong with Italy

Has anyone heard from Italy lately? It seems like since the who Berlusconi thing, they’ve gone off the radar. You ever hear parents say when the house is quiet something’s wrong? Well, Italy’s quiet.

Luckily, the country’s silence isn’t cause by something dangerous. It’s just that they have all gone a little insane. How, you ask? The so-called “Sicilian Space Program” launched a canolo pastry on a helium balloon into the sky. They don’t really have a clear reason, either.

Next time, take the conoli.

Artichoke explodes, have the plants declared war?

Folks, we can ill afford another war right now. We’re still fighting wars on aliens, animals, art, education and robots, as well as our undeclared war on chafing. But we find ourselves at the brink or war once again, this time, with plants.

Late last month, a woman in Italy was cutting up artichokes she bought earlier at the grocery store. As soon as her knife pierced one of them, it exploded. She was stunned, but largely unhurt. What’s even more shocking is that similar attacks like this occurred in Italy in 2003 and 2008. The story the Italian government wants you to believe is that it’s a chemical reaction related to fertilizers.

We’re not saying that this means war just yet, but it doesn’t look good.

Italy punishes their only sensible couple

No time for love, Italiano Jones!

A couple who were caught having sex outside in Southern Italy during the 2006 World Cup lost their appeal today. Italy’s highest court, the Supreme Court of Cassation, upheld previous rulings that the couple indeed deserved to be convicted of obscene acts in public. This is even though they were the only ones outside and with enough sense not to watch soccer when they could be boning.

The 60-year-old man and 40-year-old wom … ew. You know what? Nevermind. You win this round, soccer.

France trolls Italy at the statue-esque level

No one really likes the French. They’re smelly, lilly-livered and rude. My parents visited France this summer, and while they say that they never experienced any of the negative stereotypes, I don’t believe them. France is a bunch of jerks.

And they’ve decided to make this known to the world, or potentially, just to Italy. A 5-meter-tall statue of Zinedine Zidane (surprisingly not a Final Fantasy character) headbutting an Italian soccer player in the 2006 World Cup final has debuted in Paris.

No one knows why the statue has been created, as Algerian artist Adel Abdesseme, creator of it, hasn’t said why it was made or who commissioned it. In the meantime, we can only assume do-ins are afoot.

Berlusconi proves the rapiest wit

Silvio Berlusconi, the Guys’ favorite Italian prime minister, commented to newspaper La Repubblica that he is 74 years old and “even though I may be a bit of a rascal … 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30 year old ….”

On top!” he added after a scripted dramatic pause.

Berlusconi then passed out Italian high-fives to all in attendance, which are like normal high-fives, but inside of an underage prostitute.