Tag: italy

Nothing more sardonic than impending death

Sardinia is a place best known for, well, not a whole lot. But today, they can give us a smile when they say that, because it will most likely be sardonic. Scientists have found that the Oenanthe crocata, better known as the hemlock water-dropwort, has alcohols in it that will give you a bitter kind of a smile, thus being the origin of the term “sardonic.”

Old people were usually give the alcohol because they are a burden on society (and still are), then they would be thrown off a high rock or beaten to death. Odds are they had toothless sardonic smiles on their faces.

A staunch reason to ban time travel research

Movies make time travel seem like a fun little jaunt into the past or enlightening vision quest into the future. You meet your kids all grown up, save the President and maybe even risk destroying the time-space continuum by creating a looping paradox. All enjoyable, right?

Wrong. Time travel is dangerous, risking time traveler and contemporaries alike. And you might even french your mom. (Ew.)

That is why we are starting a counter-science movement on this site. It is important that we do not allow science to forgo morality in an attempt to endanger Americans and spit in the face of God.

Reason to Ban Time Travel #1: Risk of Exposure to Medieval Morons

We know it’s not fair to judge people in the past of their scientific knowledge, but seriously, vampires?

Italian archaeologists discovered the remains of a suspected vampire. How did they know that the corpse was a suspect? Because a f#&king rock was shoved into its skull.

And this isn’t a one-time moment of lunacy. No, they find these every so often in medieval mass burial sites from plagues. That’s right: they attributed the continuing illness to vampires, and if you got sick, died, and took longer than an hour to decompose, then you were suspect.

So, you could explain to illiterate wrath-of-God-fearing morons how you’re not a vampire, just severely allergic to ancient fresh air … or we could just ban time travel. Hm, which seems easier?

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!

Sony has crazy mind powers in their gaming boxes

Life is sometimes funnier than you can ever believe.

An Italian boy was rushed to hospital after it was believed he’d been suffering from a “severe brain disorder.” Disoriented and unable to speak, it turns out that young Lorenzo Amato had not, in fact, gone mental or suffered a stroke, but was feeling the effects of “PlayStation addiction.”

Hospital doctors assessed that he was mute and seemingly unable to understand his surroundings due he’d just finished a “marathon PlayStation session” that had caused him to become detached from the real world.

Seriously. Amato has apparently made a complete recovery and has since demanded the console be thrown out, since the very thought of it makes him want to vomit. Which, y’know, is a totally reasonable and healthy response.

Too many balls on the field

Americans just don’t care about soccer. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t invent it, maybe it’s the fact that they don’t serve alcohol at the games in Europe, maybe it’s the lack of anything ever happening in an average game. Whatever the reason may be, the “rest of the world” (oh yeah? Then where’s Canada?) loves the sport, but that is because the rest of the world is clinically insane.

An Italian soccer team lined up for a free kick (they give them away for free because they’re not worth much) and dropped their shorts, trying to block the goalie’s view of the ball. This is the first time in professional sports where someone has intentionally dropped their pants since the 1926 U.S. Open, when Archibald “Crazy Pants” Fitzgerald dropped trou in an attempt to distract Bobby Jones while he was making a putt on the 15th green.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cemetery Man’

A rollicking good time that doesn’t care one what about visual excess or maximum gore, Cemetery Man will entertain far more people than I presume would expect to enjoy it. Rupert Everett’s star qualities, finally made known to a broad audience since his killer turn in My Best Friend’s Wedding, are the perfect blend of smirkiness and swarthiness to hold together this tale of a graveyard attendant who is constantly, wearily assaulted by the corpses of people who just don’t feel like being dead. The buzz of Rupert’s doorbell usually signals the arrival of one such zombie, whom he promptly and even politely kills, then buries with the help of his mishmouthed, hunchback assistant Gnaghi. All in a day’s work for Rupert, whose name in this baroquely perverse film is Francesco Dellamore Dellamorte, which literally translates to “Francesco of Love, of Death.”

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cemetery Man’

There’s no better hero than an old person

While most people’s grandmothers are more than happy with their “#1 Granny” shirts and their weekly bingo nights, others are out there kicking all sorts of ninja buttholes.

Keiko Wakabayshi is 77 years old, 5 feet tall and a balls-out master in jujitsu, jojitso, kenjitso, judo, kendo and karate. Born in Japan but now living in Italy, the tiny handmaiden of death is loving her role as resident tooshie-kick-ologist for the Italian military. Good move Italian military! You wouldn’t want this feisty chick fighting against you. Now you can have fight your mortal enemy, the Lesbians.

Some things are best done by a woman

If movies have taught us anything, it is that kidnapping, while a federal offense in the U.S., is sometimes totally justified. In Italy, the same holds true. To the list of “for their own good,” “to explain a vast conspiracy to them” and “for ransom,” you can now add “to get chores done.”

A man in Genoa, Italy was arrested after police suspected him of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend and making her do chores around his house. The chores included ironing his clothes and washing his dishes.

This blog only wonders why it did not work out for those two crazy lovebirds.

The loveliest of all was the …

There is a lot of scary news out there today, and the positive spin is coming from that liberal bastion of print media, USA Today.

First off, a unicorn has been found in Italy. OK, well not a real unicorn, because it’s a deer. However, it does indeed have a horn in the middle of its head. No picture is available, but an artist’s rendering makes it look nothing short of frightening.

Remember, the unicorn was smote by God himself for being too damn stubborn to get on a boat with all the other animals when the floods came. The existence of a unicorn today is blasphemous and clear sign that the animals are not only at war with us, but God, too.

Scientists in Indonesia have found macaque monkeys that have learned how to fish. Folks, this is way too human-like. Pretty soon, people are going to start saying we might be somehow related to these creatures. Though it was discovered these monkeys learned how to fish, what was more shocking was that they were also wearing sleeveless shirts and drinking Budweiser.

Elections: Now with 74% more fiber!

It was Peter Finch who said the infamous lines “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell–‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” in the classic 1976 movie, Network. Unfortunately, the rest of the world seemingly gets movies in their countries much later than the rest of us. Like Italy, it would seem.

Case in point: a 41-year-old businessman with pooping problems, having seemingly just seen Network, decided that, in a fit of rage and protest, to eat his electoral ballot. Claiming that all Italian politicians and politics “are crap” and that he was protesting “against the system,” the unnamed individual went for a nice plate of fettuccine politico. Of course, based on his own words, does he not realize that he was eating crap?

I’m just saying, is all.