Everyone gets so down on Americans. It’s constant comedy fodder to make fun of a fat, drunk ignorant American in U.S. comedy, and that trope has certainly made it overseas. The problem is that people in other countries forget that they suck, too. You know who sucks? The Swiss.
Switzerland is known for being an ever-neutral nation of people who can’t decide whether they want to be culturally German or French, as if it’s a hard choice. And good news, Americans, the Swiss have annoying neighbors, too! A man in Zurich flew a Jack Daniel’s flag outside his home because he likes whiskey and doesn’t know what warning signs are.
Before long, his neighbors wrote him a letter expressing their displeasure that he would fly an ISIS flag outside his house. His neighbors claim to know nothing about the letting, because the U.S. doesn’t corner the market on passive aggressive neighbors. Despite worries for his safety, the man has vowed to keep flying his flag, a flag that symbolizes freedom from sobriety, and dumbass neighbors.
The Guys are big fans of coffee and whiskey. And if you read this blog, there’s a decent chance you like them, too. You may even like putting whiskey in your coffee. Now you can enjoy the taste of both without having to mix them yourself.
Jack Daniel’s flavored coffee is now a real thing. The famous distiller teamed up with World of Coffee, which we assume does coffee stuff, to bring us Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Coffee. There’s no alcohol in it. It’s all of the fun of drinking coffee with some hootch in it, without the shame of drinking it at work. This seems like the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your life who’s trying to cut back.
There’s even a decaffeinated version, in case you don’t want to have any fun in life, you just want to your tastebuds to think that you’re cool.
Sure, you love booze. (We’re just assuming that, based on the fact that you are visiting this site.) But do you love booze enough to be buried in it?
A man in England commissioned a casket shaped and painted to look like a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, because apparently he’s something of a fan. Anto Wickham spent some time in Iraq as a contractor, and saw a lot of nasty stuff. We don’t know if that’s why he drinks Tennessee whiskey, but we do know that he saw enough funerals to realize he doesn’t want his own to be a sober affair one day. The Jack casket is his way of lightening the mood.
A better war to lift mourners’ spirits is to actually have a bottle of Jack that size for everyone to enjoy.
It might be Monday, but it’s also St. Patrick’s Day. (And, if you’re on the mid-Atlantic seaboard, a snow day, so you’d better get some whiskey in you before you freeze to death.) So, let’s review some Booze News before you’re incoherent.
Sweetener derived from the agave plant, which also gives us tequila, may help you lose weight and stave off diabetes if you use it instead of sugar. But, it’s probably also expensive and only found at Whole Foods, so let’s cut to the chaser and just use tequila in our coffee. It goes great with lime and bad morning sex decisions.
Having solved all their many other problems, Tennessee finds itself in a pickle barrel over whether to let whiskey distilleries reuse barrels and still call it “Tennessee whiskey.” Jack Daniel’s insists on maintaining the current law, which requires distillers to use fresh barrels every time, while smaller micro-distilleries argue that Jack Daniel’s is trying to be the only official Tennessee whiskey in the world by keeping production costs up. And somewhere in Tennessee, there is a cooper dressed in all the finest suspenders and pocket watches.
And finally, if wish you could drink more but worry about what it might do to your liver, don’t worry. There’s a new liver disease drug that’s about to hit the market. A toast: to pharmaceuticals!
You may have heard that in states where it’s legal, Wal-Mart is getting into selling alcohol, at times, offering beer nearly at cost, in an effort to get people to associate the community-crushing warehouse store chain with booze. Looks like it’s serious.
Sam’s Club is now selling Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel whiskey still in the barrel it’s named after. It can be yours for only $9,660 before tax. Feel like going a bit cheaper for your big party this weekend? Get a barrel of regular Jack Daniel’s for just $7,680.
The Guys will be organizing a Kickstarter fund any day now.
Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.
Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.
If you’ll forgive me, I’m a bit exhausted right now. Also, I believe my system is still trying to flush out the last of the whiskey. I had quite a time over the weekend. I know what you’re thinking and no, it wasn’t my average bender. It was the wedding of Bryan Schools.
I was the best man, so on Friday I got out of work early to meet up with my girlfriend and head down to Richmond, Virginia for the rehearsal that night. The wedding was at The Jefferson, which is alleged to be the swankiest hotel in town. From what I saw, that held up.
We only ran through the rehearsal once, and somehow, all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids were able to get it down pat on the first take, like Frank Sinatra. Sure, all we had to do was walk in and line up in a symmetrical way with the ladies. But it was a lot to remember. For example, we had to remember to keep our hands clasped in front of us. This was very important. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Black tuxedo, black label
Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.
And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Booze News style
For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America. I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.
All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)
If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.
Was your Valentine’s Day a little lacking? Are you just not happy with the tie you got this year? It’s time to return your cheap-o gift and get something you really want-body spray that smells like a burger from Burger King.
That’s right, with Flame, the new scent from BK, you can now make her mouth water just by walking into the room–bet that stopped happening after a month or so. Best of all, you can have it your way.
This got me thinking, what kinds of things would I like a woman to smell like? Clearly, they have never consulted us on this matter, because everything they wear smells like potpourri and aftershave. On top of that they wear deodorant that claims to have the power of platinum, which is one of the weakest metals known. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Desire smells like that to some people