In the war for a buzz, an important battle has been won

Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.

Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.

Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.

Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!

The McBournie Minute: Black tuxedo, black label

If you’ll forgive me, I’m a  bit exhausted right now. Also, I believe my system is still trying to flush out the last of the whiskey. I had quite a time over the weekend. I know what you’re thinking and no, it wasn’t my average bender. It was the wedding of Bryan Schools.

I was the best man, so on Friday I got out of work early to meet up with my girlfriend and head down to Richmond, Virginia for the rehearsal that night. The wedding was at The Jefferson, which is alleged to be the swankiest hotel in town. From what I saw, that held up.

We only ran through the rehearsal once, and somehow, all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids were able to get it down pat on the first take, like Frank Sinatra. Sure, all we had to do was walk in and line up in a symmetrical way with the ladies. But it was a lot to remember. For example, we had to remember to keep our hands clasped in front of us. This was very important. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Black tuxedo, black label

Eat My Sports: Booze News style

Hello, I’m legendary SeriouslyWriter Bryan Schools. I don’t quite know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal, people know me.

And people who know SG know Booze News. People who know Booze News, tend to drink and people who tend to drink tend  know good booze, but unfortunately, due to a bad economy and general low standards, they also know bad booze. Kind of like sports has the cream of the crop, and then the cream of the crap, there’s good, there’s bad, and that my friends inspired my horrible idea for a column to compare the best and worst teams of each of the major pro sports … to brands of booze (and in no way was I drinking a vodka Red Bull and Mountain Dew when I wrote this, nor was it Smirnoff, the Denver Nuggets of alcohol). Continue reading Eat My Sports: Booze News style

Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

For eight years–eight years–I believed we had created a safer United States, a bomb-free and non-terrorized America.  I thought that, by taking my shoes off at airports and picketing Muslim schools, we were safe.

All of that was thrown out the window this morning thanks to CNN and Bryan Schools (but mostly Bryan Schools). Now I’m terrified, which is terrorism. (Bryan Schools is a terrorist.)

If 10 U.S. government agents could sneak bombs into U.S. government buildings past other U.S. government employees, then every step the U.S. government has taken to protect me was all a lie. I’m not safe, nor was I ever.

But, I’m going to change that, you Take it from Snee. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I will be safe again

The McBournie Minute: Desire smells like that to some people

Was your Valentine’s Day a little lacking? Are you just not happy with the tie you got this year? It’s time to return your cheap-o gift and get something you really want-body spray that smells like a burger from Burger King.

That’s right, with Flame, the new scent from BK, you can now make her mouth water just by walking into the room–bet that stopped happening after a month or so. Best of all, you can have it your way.

This got me thinking, what kinds of things would I like a woman to smell like? Clearly, they have never consulted us on this matter, because everything they wear smells like potpourri and aftershave. On top of that they wear deodorant that claims to have the power of platinum, which is one of the weakest metals known. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Desire smells like that to some people

iBooze

For those of you out there smart enough to get the iPhone (just give in McBournie), you can now download an app that locates your favorite booze by brand recognition. So let’s say you’re hanging out with The Guys and you want some Jack Daniel’s, three out of the four of us can show you where the whiskey is located, and how to get to the store. Why would we do this? Because we’re dedicated journalists.

Oh Steve Jobs, you had us at “hello.”

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just trying to get a bottle of Jack?

Sure, we’ve all been there. The young, adventerous age of 18, old enough to smoke your lungs out, buy a scratcher from the lottery, but not old enough to buy a daily visit from Uncle Jack. Well, when in doubt, improvise! Like this Texas teen, who stole his friend’s police badge and tried to use it as identification for drinks at a club.

Apparently when asked how old he was, the line “old enough to party” only works in Judd Apatow films.