Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)

It’s OK, they can’t read this

Eight Amish men, who didn’t think things through before going all religiousy, have been sent to jail in Kentucky for failing to put an orange reflective warning sign on the back of their horse-drawn buggies. The men failed to comply with the road safety law and refused to pay their fines, saying to even do that would violate their prohibition against bright colors or man-made symbols.

For sticking to their faith, they have been rewarded by their God with brightly-colored jumpsuits, cable television, free internet and phone calls and butt sex.

:: slow clap ::

What if his name was John Doe this whole time?

Authorities in Utah are perplexed by a prisoner who has been held in jail for more than three weeks for misdemeanor charges because he refuses to reveal his name. He was arrested for trespassing in a parking garage and will remain in custody until he can be identified for court.

The Utah County Sheriffs Department says they have tried everything, including giving him a calling card so that he might call friends or relatives. (He hasn’t.) As they return to the drawing board, they plan to continue introducing him to friends to prompt him to say his name and calling out every name in a baby book until his ears involuntarily perk.

Any information leading to his identification will be rewarded with shares of the magical treasure he’s protecting.

Refraining from puns on this one

At some point we’ve all wondered, “If I go to jail, how much could I stash in my butt to make my stay or breakout a bit easier?” (No? Just me?)

A new inmate in Washington state may have set a new record, if they keep records for that sort of thing, that is. Police found he stashed a lighter, rolling papers, tobacco, tattoo ink, needles, a “smoking pipe” and some pot. The man was only going to jail for three days on a misdemeanor, but apparently he wanted to enjoy his stay. Now he’s up on new charges.

[Thanks, A+A]

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.

Save a bear, do not pass go

Kid tested, Stephen Colbert approved.You know that phrase “No good deed goes unpunished?”

This is not that story.

You know that song “Save a horse, ride a cowboy?”

This is not that story.

What this story is about is the heartwarming tale of a lawbreaker and his quest to break local wildlife laws. What this story is about is the tale of a man who has put his daughter’s life in jeopardy by exposing her to a wild animal. What this story is about is the legend of a traitor to the human race. Rather than go ahead and finish the job that nature had intended (endangering the bear), he instead chose to feed it. Lot of good that did him, too.

We’re in a war, people. There’s no room for error.