The feel-good racial tension of the year

The nice part about having a VP is always having someone available for double-dates.To close out our coverage of the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. fiasco and Beergate 2009, we leave Gates and Sgt. Crowley on a brighter note.

Their initial meeting was a misunderstanding, leaving one to think the other was an uptight, Harvard-teaching priss and the other a bumbling meathead with a badge. They infuriated each other; but little did they know that they were challenging each other to learn something … about themselves.

And then Gates friend, who just happens to be the President of the United States, took his friend’s side before discovering that Crowley deserved a second chance. Taking fate into his own hands, he invited them each over for a beer on the same day. Oh to be a fly on that wall!

After what Crowley described as a “private,” frank” and–as we imagine–wry, yet touching conversation, the two have agreed to meet again, this time without the First Chaperone. They plan to call each other over the next couple of days to arrange their next outing/compare favorite movies and music.

The Guys don’t normally cry at romantic comedies, and such was the case with this one. However, our allergies are acting up, so that’s why they’re watering. No, really.

Where is the racism?

Given the chance, Obama could be one of his multi-racial best friends.If you’ve been following the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. situation, you might be a little disappointed. Sgt. James Crowley turned out not to be as much of a cross-and/or-book-burning Cambridge gestapo than we hoped.

Worse yet, they’re settling this problem with a beer, so Gates might not be as much of a latte-sipping, vagina-painting snob than we thought.

Honestly, all we ask for–as a news-reading public–is a little over-the-top racism. Black-on-white, white-on-black … who cares? Didn’t you see the box office numbers for Gran Turino?

And that’s where Boston police officer Justin Barrett saves the day. Let’s go to the quote box:

“In Barrett’s e-mail, which was posted on a Boston television station’s Web site, he declared that if he had ‘been the officer he verbally assaulted like a banana-eating jungle monkey, I would have sprayed him in the face with OC (oleoresin capsicum, or pepper spray) deserving of his belligerent non-compliance.’

“Barrett used the ‘jungle monkey’ phrase four times, three times referring to Gates and once referring to [Boston Globe columnist, Yvonne] Abraham’s writing as ‘jungle monkey gibberish.'”

Mm, delicious. But that’s not all! What did Barrett follow it up with after he got in trouble?

“‘I have so many friends of every type of culture and race you can name. I am not a racist.'”

Gonna need a cigarette after that. Nothing beats old-timey “some of my best friends” crackery.

It’s a proportional blow out!

And for god's sake, keep a hand on your wallet!This week in America, it’s a sanity sale! All things must be blown out of proportion! That’s right: no credibility checks and no personal accountability for the entire first year of blustering!

This deal, of course, only applies to our Henry Louis Gates, Jr. arrest in Cambridge, Mass. But, the options are entirely up to you! Packages include:

  • Black Rage: The arrest of Dr. Gates is an indictment of all black men everywhere!
  • White Rage: It’s like white men can’t even arrest a black man on a trumped-up charge, only to release him hours later because it would never stick!

And new for today:

  • Authority Rage: Criticizing Sgt. James Crowley is an indictment of all police officers everywhere!
  • Anti-intellectual Rage: These arugula-eating, latte-sipping effete Ivy Leaguers refuse to fear our police (though the anonymous author claims to be one as well)!

Act now, and we’ll throw in our self-satisfaction undercoat and a handjob from the AM radio host of your choice!