Surprise of the day: Jacko needed help

In our “things that make you go ‘duh'” column, we learn today that the Jackson family, led by the least crazy of the bunch, Janet, tried to stage an intervention with Michael Jackson back in 2007.

Was it for his “love” of children? His strange obsession with monkeys? The fact that he was whiter than Rick Snee? No to all of the above. Big surprise, Jackson was a pill-head. In other shocking news, if you can understand the combination of letters in front of you on the computer screen, you can read!

Court: Super Bowl needed tits

With a ruling that’s guaranteed to offend anyone who pretends they don’t like women’s breasts, a U.S. Appeals court has thrown out the FCC’s fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime “Show.”

For those who don’t know what we’re talking about*, Justin Timberlake ripped part of Janet Jackson’s clothes off, revealing a very bizarre star-thingie … and a boob somewhere under that. Half the nation was appalled–demanding that the FCC babysit for them–while the other half thought they were clever to joke about the Levitra commercials.

Well, it’s all settled now: the possibly-modified breast did, in fact, make a Super Bowl Halftime Show remotely watchable for the only time in the game’s history.

And now, readers, as you were.

*SeriouslyGuys would like to wish a very happy birthday to devoted reader Hunter Cramdale, who just turned four-years-old! Hunter, your Booze News stein is in the mail and be sure to ask your parents about Janet Jackson’s honkers.