Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.
Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.
The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.
The World Cup is going strong, and in Tokyo, soccer fans decided to go strongly, and all at the same time, during a recent match.
The city’s plumbing system was put to the test at halftime as Japan played Colombia. Fans across the city collectively decided to hold it for the better part of an hour, then they all unleashed the fury after the first half. The mass migration to the bathroom caused Tokyo’s water usage to rise 24%, and then after the game, it rose 50%.
As we understand it, there are several more games to be played, so the city will be put to the test several more times in the days ahead. Let’s hope everyone has a safe go of it.
We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.
Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.
That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.
The War on Animals may have just gotten a bit bigger. Thanks to a team of human science spies, we now have proof of a legendary creature: el squidante gigante! (This may not actually be its true Latin name.)
Granted, we’ve seen larger versions of the beast before, as the one seen was a mere 10 feet, but it has the additional benefit of also being alive. Never before had we seen it moving upon its own volition.
This will hopefully lead to further knowledge of the beast. After all, if we can figure them out now, then we can theoretically stem the tide when the giant squid is inevitably sent after us in wave after wave after wave.
We’ve talked about Cyberdyne, the Japanese company of the
future present, before here on SG. It’s been quite some time since their name was uttered on our website, but it seems they’re at it again.
What was once used exclusively for old people is now being sent in the direction of disaster response: specifically for first responders of nuclear accidents.
Somehow, using HAL suits manufactured by Cyberdyne for nuclear matters makes the science nerd in cringe and fear for the future.
Late last week, some mysterious crop circles appeared in Japan. And by Japan, I mean underwater crop circles off the coast of Japan. WoooOOOOOooOOOOoooOOOOooo. Does this mean that deep in the dark waters, aliens visited and made elaborate patterns as signals for target strike zones? Were they created by some Lovecraftian monstrosity?
Nope. Turns out it was just a male pufferfish.
A Japanese television film crew discovered that a single, solitary pufferfish created the entire design. All in the hopes of getting laid. Presumably. You see, our scientists tell us that reason, but how do we know that it’s not actually a signal from the pufferfish to their animal brethren to commit a horrible atrocity? We just can’t trust them. The safest and most reasonable course of action is to eliminate those beasts and with haste.
Oh, whoops, we got our T’s and R’s confused. Well, nonetheless, the mountain named
Gregor Clegane Fuji is close to erupting. So, those planning on traveling to Japan, you might want to speed up those plans. But don’t worry, scientists and vulcanologists (the mortal enemy of Tony Kornheiser) are pretty optimistic about everything:
Japanese scientists are warning that the country’s famed Mount Fuji could be on the verge of a catastrophic eruption. Volcanologist have discovered that the pressure in the volcano’s magma chamber is higher than it was the last time Fuji erupted in 1707. The pressure is measured in megapascals, and researchers say recent readings show the chamber hitting a level of 1.6; pressure readings of 0.1 megapascals are enough to trigger an eruption. Scientists say the March 2011 earthquake that caused a massive tsunami has been one factor in putting increased pressure on the chamber. Government estimates say an eruption could result in more than 300,000 deaths as well as cause up to $30 billion in damage.
My parents recently got back from Europe, and when I went to visit them this past weekend, I was given oodles of strange and oddly worded candy-bars. This was a particular bit of joy for me because I find any bit of candy not found in the United States of America to be of high interest. I don’t think I’m the only person on this gigantic planet to have this specific character trait.
However, I don’t think it builds good relations to have Japanese people think that the American Snickers bar is nothing more than a chocolate-covered bar of meth.
Customs agents at LAX apparently feel the same way.
We at SG give more than our fair share of (deserved) flack towards Japan. But it’s okay. They’ve officially made up for it.
A group of Japanese hobbyists have made working mechs that can be piloted by humans. And they can be yours for the low, low price of 1.3 million dollars.
The way we look at it, we only need around 3 of them. That’s a scant 3.9 million dollars, but let’s make it an even 4. We know that you fabulous and sensational people can help us out with the fundraising for this. By doing so, we will make sure that every person who contributes will not be trampled upon in our glorious path for world domination.
Don’t hesitate. Do it. Do it now.
Scientists at the University of Tokyo’s Ishikawa Oku Laboratory have invented a robot that never loses at Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Or “Roshambo,” if you were raised by wolves.) The Janken robot cannot be bargained or negotiated with or fooled by doing that little trick where you start to make scissors and then flatten your palm out, middle and index fingers last.
You can’t cheat this machine with your human brain, because its computer brain is doing the exact same thing, just faster. It watches your hand and then reacts a millisecond later, appearing to make its selection simulataneously with you. In other words, you were right: your older brother is a cyborg.
The war against the machines may not have been over before it started. Just so immediately after it that it seems like it.