Robot priest wants to bless you before machine uprising

Robots are taking our jobs. But they’re coming for our souls, too.

Centuries ago, Martin Luther broke from the Catholic Church in Wittenburg, Germany. It’s fitting that this same town is also host to the break from Christianity for humans. A church in town has decided to employ a robot to bless people.

BlessU-2 looks like it was made in Japan in the 1980s by someone who had never seen what a priest looks like. Its hands light up, and it can give blessings in a male or female voice, depending on the churchgoer’s sexism.

The church housing RoboPriest insists that BlessU-2 will not put human priests out of business. They expect us to just take it on faith alone.

Rudolph will deliver pizza in Japan

We were put in charge of the Earth by our creator some 300 years ago, when the universe was created. That means that we must bend the animals to our will. It’s just the natural order of things. Japan is working on that.

In what can’t possibly be a publicity stunt, Domino’s Pizza in Japan is training reindeer to deliver pizza during the winter. The company swears it is really working on this, citing an expected harsh winter caused by La Nina. Domino’s is having problems keeping the pizzas strapped to the backs of the reindeer.

If this ends up happening, the Japanese can stop worrying about a tip for the delivery guy.

Don’t fart near lasers

That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.
That makes the scene in Entrapment even more tense.

When you undergo surgery, you’re typically not allowed to eat for about a day ahead of time. Doctors say they want your system to be clear when you go under the knife, but it turns out that means more than you think.

In Japan, investigators have blamed a woman’s fart for causing a fire during surgery. Back in April, the doctors were using a laser to operate on the woman’s cervix, when according to the report, the patient farted and the gas was ignited by the laser beam.

So if you’re going to cheat on your fasting rule before surgery, stay away from the burritos.

Sweaty robots are the next big thing

In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.

This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.

Japanese nude restaurant: No fatties

The latest restaurant trend is nude dining. A London restaurant recently made headlines when it opened because its patrons are expected to dine completely naked. This trend is sweeping the world.

The next stop is Japan, where the idea of the nude restaurant has been improved upon. To ensure that no one loses their appetite, The Amrita will introduce a “no fatties” policy. Anyone found to be overweight will not be allowed to dine in the establishment.

The Amrita opens in late July, and in a rare display of taste by the Japanese people, patrons must be at least 18 to get a seat there. We can only hope the menu is tentacle-themed.


It's only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.
It’s only a matter of time before robots replace us in the bedroom, kitchen and Swedish integrated communal bath-station.

If the War on Animals doesn’t wipe out humanity by itself, then — like the dual volcano and meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs — the War on Robots will finish the leftovers. And we know this because researchers just proved that robots are buttf*cking liars and are well on the path to betraying us.

It’s well documented that humanity occasionally tests robots to figure out how close we are to a SkyNet scenario. We pit the machines against our Jeopardy! champions, we force them to befriend the unfriend-able for the Turing test, and we ask them uncomfortable questions about pornographic paintings and tortoises for the Voight-Kampff empathy test.

Researchers at the Nanyang Technological University in Japan have continued that testing by forcing robots to endure the ultimate human emotional test: assembling IKEA furniture. And, even though robots can steal our automobile assembly jobs (and kill us in the process), they pretended that they couldn’t assemble a chair!

The Guys are calling bullsh*t. If those robots weren’t on the phone with divorce attorneys after failing to insert a wooden dowel into a hole, then they were clearly in cahoots.

Now, what else are they lying about?

The McBournie Minute: Ban robot marriages now

On Friday, non-terrible people across the country celebrated the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide. The decision came toward the end of Pride Month, and the international LGBT held impromptu celebrations. Landmarks were suddenly lit up like Rainbow Brite had come to town. It was a victory for love.

But that hasn’t kept the nation’s Wrong Side of History movement down. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has said that county clerks in his state don’t need to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples if it is against their religion (read: if they have a problem with it and claim to be Christian). Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant said he is exploring legal recourses to the decision (spoiler alert: there aren’t any). Louisiana Attorney General Buddy Caldwell said his state doesn’t have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, because the decision didn’t come with a specific order, because “It is so ordered,” isn’t clear enough. Amazingly, the South isn’t totally on board with social change.

This is obviously still a very divisive issue. So what about a marriage issue we can all get behind? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Ban robot marriages now

Newborn macaque already brings great shame, dishonor to Japan

In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.
In related news, Hanna-Barbera has some apology hams to mail out to both England and Japan.

We already know that when it comes to our foes in the War on Animals, they have no regard for decency and lines that should not be crossed, even in war. So, it’s no surprise to The Guys that a newborn macaque hit the British royal family’s newest, youngest member in direct violation of the Geneva Convention and all we hold dear. (Wealthy, inbred white people. That’s what we hold dear.)

The newborn macaque had the gall to be named Charlotte by zookeepers — who we suspect of holding animal-loving sympathies — mere days after Princess Charlotte was born to Prince William and Princess Kate, may they forever reign over Welshmen and unlimited balance credit cards. It didn’t take long for human supporters of the divine right of people kings to take the zoo to task for making a monkey out of people who probably didn’t notice until we all made a huge fuss over it.

Fortunately, Japan’s taking this not-so-slight slight seriously and has already consulted the British embassy for advice. Of course, this is all just a cunning ruse, because what self-effacing British person is going to make them change the monkey’s name?

This is what polite war looks like, people. Fantastic accents, dashing manners and a monkey.

Collagen beer will make you look younger, ladies

Ladies, do you enjoy drinking, but hate what it does to your skin? A new beer in Japan might be just the thing for you.

“Precious,” a beer by Suntory wants to restore your youthful glow. A 5% alcohol-by-volume, Precious can help you get a buzz and make you look younger, because it has collagen in it. The naysayers and their degrees say that the beer doesn’t have enough collagen in it to actually make a difference in your complexion, but what do they know?

With this beer, no longer will it be obvious you woke up on the floor, ladies.

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.