Tag: Japan

Tiny phone big in Japan no longer

Fun fact:

Did you know that every time you snap a picture on the Japanese version of the iPhone 3G it will make an audible “shutter click” noise that you can’t turn off, even when the phone is on silent mode? Why? So upskirt perverts can’t do their dirty work undetected!

OK, actually, almost all new phones in Japan are supposed to do this … which is slightly disturbing. The only things that can make this situation better are:

  • the entire voyeur industry to come together to sue Apple, Nokia, Motorola and so forth for interfering with their right to profit.
  • someone invents EMP underwear.
  • Japan gets a clue and stops becoming so weird that these limitations need to be implemented.

To boldy go where no one … or a lot … have gone before

A private Japanese company has announced that they will host weddings in space for the tidy sum of $2.3 million (just as soon as they figure out that whole “getting homemade rockets into space and not blowing up prematurely” thing.) You know what that means? Your newlywed other half now becomes the “final frontier”! Makes that time you eloped to Vegas look pretty silly, doesn’t it?

There’s no better hero than an old person

While most people’s grandmothers are more than happy with their “#1 Granny” shirts and their weekly bingo nights, others are out there kicking all sorts of ninja buttholes.

Keiko Wakabayshi is 77 years old, 5 feet tall and a balls-out master in jujitsu, jojitso, kenjitso, judo, kendo and karate. Born in Japan but now living in Italy, the tiny handmaiden of death is loving her role as resident tooshie-kick-ologist for the Italian military. Good move Italian military! You wouldn’t want this feisty chick fighting against you. Now you can have fight your mortal enemy, the Lesbians.

‘Are you lonesome, tonight? Are you smaller than a housecat?’

We all know that one guy. Y’know, the one that’s lonely, looks like he’s constantly moping, addicted to that godforsaken IRC channel and just can’t get the energy to even talk to someone of the gender that he’s attracted to. If he actually does manage to leave his bed, it’s never any fun, as he’s the truest form of the word “party-killer.”

Well mope no more, gentle soul that might become a serial killer! Japan, that ca-razy land of wackiness and schoolgirls is here to answer your prayers. The robot girlfriend that’s been joked about for years is now a reality! No more do you have to whine “why not me?” but instead, you get to say “oh yeah, ME,” with the simple push of a button, less than two Benjamins and some batteries.

There’s only one small catch. Sadly, it’s only useful for those in the 12- to 20-inch tall demographic. No, men that are quite literally 12 to 20 inches tall, as the robot is only 15 inches tall. Sorry Sploosh.

Driiiinks in spaaaaaace

You’ve tried every beer. You are tired of hearing the same old thing from beer merchants trying to sell you something that will taste better and get you more buzzed than ever. You just might be chasing the beer dragon. Fear not, bored boozer! Japan has come up with something that raises the bar several miles up: space beer.

Sapporo Breweries Ltd. has grown barley from grains that were taken into space and is using them for its new experimental beer. This is much like having a conversation with an astronaut’s son, it puts you less than three degrees away from space.

In other hammered happenings, the Anglo-commies have banned booze on London’s subway system, the Tube. Before the ban took effect on Sunday, English people held a system-wide party Saturday night drinking whatever they felt like bringing with them.

This is the latest assault on transportation-related multitasking. A similar ban is already in effect on drinking in car. However, it is still legal to drink while floating around on an umbrella.

Police celebrate woman’s coming out party with trespassing charges

There is in the closet and then there is in the closet.

One Japanese woman was charged with trespassing after she was found in the closet of a man’s home. The only thing is, she wasn’t just passing through and wanted to see how much storage the house had, allegedly she had been living in the man’s closet for over a year. The man began to get suspicious after food kept disappearing from his kitchen.

This led the man to buy a home security system, which detected movement inside the house, but when police arrived, they found all the doors and windows were locked. The woman was found when they searched the whole house.

That’s not water in his gun …

Now that's just going to stain. But boy, is he ever happy to see you!

Many times in life, there are some people who are simply so crazy that they’re legends in their own rights; however, the Kikkoman Gunman, has gone above and beyond in the war against unsuspecting school girls.

Kenichi Ogawa, 22 years of age, was arrested on assault charges. Our new vigilante hero filled water-guns with soy sauce, and then got his squirt on to “blow off steam.” Creeeeepy.

Several high school girls in Maebashi had been attacked in similar incidents this month, so they’re looking into a possible connection (because clearly, there are so many regular incidents involving soy sauce being shot onto women in Japan-actually, on second thought … ). Authorities are accusing Ogawa of getting on his motorcycle and shooting a 17-year-old schoolgirl in the back with his sauce gun. The report says that the back of her uniform was left covered in soy sauce.

A hit and run involving soy sauce and water-guns. Never in my life would I have ever expected to live to see that. I think I’m touched by the story, and not in the “bad Uncle George” kind of way.

Save the environment and turn heads

All kinds of things can be done to be considered “green.” It can be as easy as recycling or taking mass transit to work. But ladies, you can now go green simply by wearing a different kind of undergarment.

Enter the solar powered bra. Ladies, get ready to use your fun bags to produce enough energy to charge a cell phone or an iPod. Of course, all this requires is that you go out in the sun in just your bra so that the solar cells can work. The Guys fully support this groundbreaking technology.

“Hot blooded, and Japanese …

I CAN HAZ SOOPER POWERZ NOW?… feel like I’m burning at a 100 degrees.”

Ah, Japan, a land where tentacles and school girls run one in the same, food comes raw and pizza has shrimp on it. Now, it too can join the ranks of China, America, South Africa and other countries where simply unbelievable police practices have taken place. Japanese police arrested a gentleman who was reported to be “acting violently,” but before doing so, the suspect doused himself with kerosene previous to the boys in whatever color Japan’s police wear dragging his psychotic self in for questioning.

Now, here the guy is, sitting in extremely flammable clothes that he’s refused to change out of, in a building where, as it’s blatantly emphasized, no smoking is allowed. He requests a little smoke break, at which an officer gave him a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

What happens next should not be too surprising. Of course the individual sets himself on fire and died of it, and now the police are kind of sorta wondering if the officers in charge of this incident should be arrested, or if it happened precisely as they said. No cameras or other witnesses were present, and Japanese police aren’t the nicest interrogators in the world. Now, me, if I was going to set a guy on fire, though, I don’t think I’d try to blame it on that kind of carelessness: I’d rather come out and say it. Would you rather be known as a murderer or “that moron who gave that crazy guy that lighter”?