U.S. Coast Guard declares war on g-g-ghost pirates

After a long letter-writing campaign by The Guys, it appears the U.S. Coast Guard — or should we say Ghost Guard — is finally taking the ghost pirate menace on our shores seriously.

Our boys in orange sank a Japanese ghost ship, the Ryou-Un Mara or Maru (nobody wanted to get close enough to confirm), off the coast of Alaska after confirming the worst: no living souls aboard. It was determined the most prudent action after a Canadian fishing boat accepted a dare to salvage the ship, but then chickened out, saying, “Like, let’s get out of here, eh?”

The Guys have long maintained that ghosts most often enter our country illegally through our many miles of unguarded coastline and porous borders. By finally putting more boots on the ground and in boats, we can protect our domestic ghost — and ghostbusting — jobs from apparitions willing to haunt abandoned theme parks and manors for less pay.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

If you see a woman force her husband to bury his mother up to her neck, then proceed to punt her head a mile into the air, you’re probably watching a Japanese horror movie. In this specific case, it’s Tokyo Zombie, a wacky farce by Sakichi Satô based on a manga of the same name. And it’s good, in that awesomely quirky kind of way. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Tokyo Zombie’

If you can enforce a ban, you can enforce a quota

The International Whaling Commission (don’t let the name fool you–they’re ag’in’ whaling) is offering a truce to longtime animal warriors Japan. Instead of continuing their outright ban, which the Japanese dodge by calling their kills “science,” the IWC might permit them to limited whaling with as-of-yet undetermined quotas.

How do the Japanese justify killing the better part of 30,000 whales, the majority becoming food, since 1986 as science?

1) Food science is science. It’s science that you eat. Without out it, there would be no Twinkies, Cheez-Whiz and other “foods.” It’s only a matter of time before the Japanese discover a fish-like substance that tastes like whale.

2) Less whales equals more Japanese people. The world’s seaweed and tiny gross fish supplies are running scarce because whales eat it all. What will the Japanese eat if they can’t cut it up and tie it to rice? Spaghetti-Os?

3) The best technology comes from war. We’re at war, but the Japanese are facing a giant, intelligent foe that may use language to coordinate its underwater convoys. Therefore, any weapons they develop for whaling will lead to peacetime innovations like odorless braces and typhoon guns.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Battlefield Baseball’

Battlefield Baseball is not exactly what you would call a sane movie. Though, I guess I should back up a minute first.

Baseball movies are almost always feel-good chick flicks. Bull Durham is about romance. Field of Dreams is about hope. The Rookie is a lesson in perseverance. For Love of the Game is about … well, who really knows what that one’s about other than Kevin Costner’s penis is laughable (at least, according to the rumors regarding early test screenings).

But really, who cares? The point is that, ironically enough, baseball movies ultimately aren’t for guys. They’re a way for girls to get guys to watch chick flicks. Except, of course, Major League. That one’s for guys.

Have no fear, though. There’s another that’s totally for guys, if only because, by process of elimination, it’s definitely not for women. As I mentioned in the beginning, it’s not a sane movie. But why is it for guys then? Hit the jump to find out why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Battlefield Baseball’

Be swell, harpoon a whale!

We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before.  However, they have now taken over the media.

Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.

We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet.  In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police.  The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.

It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals.  Those traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.