I’m calling it now: NUCLEAR DEATH JELLYFISH.
Doubt me if you will, but at least be aware of the facts. A metric crap-ton (roughly millions) of jellyfish made their way into nuclear reactors in both Israel and Japan. The power plant in Japan had to be shut down, and in Israel, the sea-water cooling system was clogged, which is never a good thing. Scientists have no idea at the moment why the poisonous jam entities are going after dangerous structures such as nuclear power plants, but just like aglets, we can only assume that their purpose is sinister.
It gets worse. If they become irradiated, a lifetime of comics tells me that the jellyfish will mutate into monsters. We may not jsut end up with some kind of Eldritch horror, we may end up with an electric Eldritch horror. Someone get the Ghostbusters suited up and enlisted, just in case.
If you’re at the beach and see someone drowning, think twice before helping them.
In Florida, a man had allegedly been drinking since 9 in the morning recently and when he decided to go swimming. He pretended to be drowning and rescuers came to get him. Rather than let himself be saved, the man threw a jellyfish at them.
In completely unrelated news, The Guys are headed out tomorrow for a weekend-long experiment with alcohol and a beach atmosphere.
As if machine rebellion and amphibian plagues weren’t enough, it seems that another sign of the end times has popped up in the form of terrifying swarms of monstrous jellyfish. Scientists monitoring jellyfish activity off the coasts of China and Japan have reported crazy-huge numbers of Nomura’s jellyfish, a giant species that is wider than a man is tall, and three times his weight.
Swarms (or blooms, for the cultured people among us) of jellyfish have been reported in increasing numbers in recent year, killing off fishing populations, shutting down beaches, destroying fishnets and even disabling power plants. One swarm (I don’t care nun for mys culture!) clogged the intake pipes of a power plant in the Philippines, causing a blackout and leading people to think that a coup d’etat had been launched. Which probably isn’t far from what the animals were attempting.
However, such swarms are also known to be a seasonal, natural phenomena, and part of the reproduction process of most jelly species. Theories posited to explain the increase in their size and frequency range from the effects of climate change (warming waters are drawing jellies upward), overfishing (species that eat jellies are being depopulated), and human impact (industrial waste and dams increasing the nutrient level in coastal waters).
Isolation, brothers and sisters! We don’t need to swim! Once they leave the water, the victory is ours!
We’ve been covering the dangers of the ocean a lot lately, but there seems to be more happening this time of year in the warmer seas and the cold depths, where animals are designed to withstand such harsh climate.
On this front, we have some shocking news to report: killer jellyfish are real and they seem to be breeding like rabbits. Yes, these things are not only weird looking, they can also kill you with a single sting and they happen to be having something of a baby boom. They are no doubt massing for an all-out assault on our shores. Just remember this: they can’t hurt you on land.
However, animals are not the only ones making moves in the war at sea. Swedish scientists are planning to launch 60 fish in a rocket from Antarctica. It’s nice to see the Swedes finally join us in our fight, and making an entrance with marked creativity. Sure, the scientists say it’s an experiment to figure out motion sickness, but we know better. It’s called sending a message.