Tag: Jesus

His next trick is turning water into PHISH

Dear hippies of the world,

Stop. Just stop. It’s not funny anymore. Lay off the drugs. Sure, you had your time, I mean, the late sixties onward into the mid-seventies or so, those were great years for you all. But let’s face it-you’re just not enjoyable anymore. Bryan McBournie can’t stand you all crowding his home state. Hunter S. Thompson used you only for your drugs, and he didn’t even pay for them! The first Woodstock was something of legend, but every single one after that consisted of selling out to the man. Yeah, real counterculture, that.

And what’s this? Now you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? Scratch that-you think you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? I’ll have you know that I see a cow skull, which seems pretty anti-Jesus if you ask me. Without getting into the concept of religion, don’t you think that’s a bit of a stretch? Get off the pipe and into a nice, sensible pair of slacks without holes in them. You’ll thank me later.

Sincerely, Chris

Oh, and while I’ve got you here, get rid of patchouli oil as a whole. Seriously, who was the dummy that thought smelling like feces was a good idea?

There’s more Jesus to go around

We’re only two weeks away from Good Friday, better known as the Last Supper. From what famous painters can tell us, we seem to imagine larger and larger portions as time has gone on.

According to the International Journal of Obesity, the leading authority on fat people, from 1000 to 2000, portion sizes increased by 69%, plate sizes increased 66%, and the bread loaves grew by 23%. Does this mean that we now think Jesus was overeating?

Have you ever seen that guy on the cross? He’s so thin it’s hard to imagine eating carbs, much less overeating.

Take it from Snee: Give up church for Lent

Let’s get this out of the way before I piss off only the Catholics: unless you’re dieting or a passive-aggressive schmuck, fasting is for losers. Almost every religion employs it at some point and tries to dismiss hunger pains and low blood pressure symptoms as holy euphoria.

But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.

Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Give up church for Lent

You Missed It: Thanksgiving hangover edition

Welcome back everyone. Hope all of you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving–at least the American readers. All you foreigners probably don’t know what stuffing is. That’s what makes you un-American. Now that we’re in the final month of the year, indeed the decade, it’s a time to look back. Well, here at You Missed It, looking back isn’t our thing. So rather than celebrate the year that was and is still, here comes a review of not only this week but the week before. If you were busy calling up more troops for Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

Time to consult the caddy
Tiger Woods lived a relatively quiet life–until Thanksgiving. The details are still not quite clear, but somehow Woods got in an accident outside his house, but escaped major injury. Oh, and he may have been cheating on his Swedish model wife with several women. Because of the relatively slow time for news, Woods has been inundated by the media. To remedy this, Woods has posted a man with a “Quiet Please” sign outside his front door.

And neither of them was Vince Vaughn
Tareq and Michaele Salahi got to see the inside of the White House without the hassle of waiting in line for a tour. All they did was crash a state dinner party. In a bid to get on the Washington installment of Real Housewives, the couple somehow made it through security and into the dinner, despite not having an invitation. Understandably, this has set off a flurry of questions, including “Why does Bravo need another Real Housewives of” series?

Maybe he’s rapping with God right now?
The Catholic Church this week released a playlist it is now streaming on its Web site. (Think of it as a mix tape from Jesus.) Included with the likes of Mozart is dead rapper Tupac Shakur. After being asked about the selection, the Vatican said it meant the other Machiavelli.

Jesus has swine flu!

BREAKING NEWS: According to top Anglican church officials, Jesus Christ has contracted the H1N1 flu virus, commonly known as the swine flu.

As a precaution, the archbishops of Canterbury and York have urged all Church of England services to stop sharing the chalice containing the little dude from Galilee’s blood during communion.

When asked about His condition, J.C. responded, “This has to be the worst thing I’ve ever gone through … and if you know Me, that says a lot.”

His Father did not return our calls.

The audacity of Pope

Is it just us, or does the Pope cover some dated issues?

What did he talk about in the Middle East today? The Holocaust and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Other times? Birth control, abortion and masturbation. Oh, and don’t get us started on the old man’s stories about Jesus. (How many times can you hear about the same three miracles, anyway?)

Weren’t these topics already settled in 1970s and 1980s ABC After-School Specials, and more grippingly than an old German guy speaking Latin?

We want some new insights, Your Holiness. What do you think about Twitter? Or universal health care? How bad did you think Wolverine was? Get some new material, old man.

WWJE: What Would Jesus Eat?

Many chocolates claim to be divine, but sadly, they always come up short. Until now.

A German businessman is selling Jesus chocolates he calls “Sweet Lord,” just in time for the holidays Christmas. Shockingly, Protestants and Catholics in Germany are none too pleased by the entrepreneur’s attempt to bring Jesus back to his birthday party.

If you ask us, they’re really missing out on a great way to get people back in the pews on Sundays, at least for Catholics. Instead of giving out bread at communion, give out chocolate Jesuses (Jesi?). It’s still his body you’re eating, right?

Want to order some savior? You can find Jesus here.

That’s a lot of next-of-kin

Imprisoned Fundamentalist Later Day Saints leader Warren Jeffs has been hospitalized for undisclosed reasons. Since we are a respected media establishment, we can only assume that his affliction is deadly and somewhat humiliating. (Flesh-eating anal warts?)

The real issue is who determines his fate should he enter a vegetative state. The current theory is that all of his wives will each vote, with Jesus himself casting a tiebreaker vote if necessary.

Sects Sells: ACLU suddenly likes Jesus?

Having just kicked the Easter Bunny out of shopping malls, the American Civil Liberties Union has found a new high-profile case to remind Americans that they’re still around. However, they’ve zigged just when we thought they would zag.

The ACLU is taking on the state of Texas, claiming they may have violated state and federal laws when they raided the XFZ polygamist ranch in Eldorado and then placed all 416 children in state custody. (This is not to be confused with the Bunny Ranch in Mound House, Nevada, where polygamy is only one of many services offered.)

Look, ACLU, you need to decide: do you or don’t you like Jesus? Or do you only like Jesus when he’s marrying his underage cousins? This blog’s best guess is that you’re entertaining your perverted Little House on the Prairie fantasies.

Bonus: The judge who sent all those kid’s into protective custody?  None other than Judge Barbara Walthers.  (OK, not really that one.)

Snakes in a bag

The Easter holiday travel time might be over finally, but now we are left to clean up the mess left by attacks on our high holy holiday. Unlike humans, animals are soulless and do not believe in God. This is proven by their attempts to thwart Easter in the name of their ungodly cause.

A man outside of Washington, a current hotbed of animal activity, was attacked by a snake that got into his luggage somehow. The man, a rowing coach, had been in South Carolina and reached into his luggage after returning home. There he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Firefighters were the first to arrive on scene.

“‘We took the bag outside and used a [carbon dioxide] fire extinguisher to freeze the snake,’ killing it, Barksdale said.”

Truly, our country’s bravest.