Tag: jet pack

The future looms closer, and I’m left unhappy

I love the future. Everything about it sounded awesome when I was a kid. Everything about it looked awesome when I was a kid. I bet that everything about even would have smelled awesome when I was a kid.

But now, as an adult, I’m left downtrodden.

Oh, sure, we can have marvels here and there. I mean, just recently, a group of Swedish surgeons transplanted a windpipe that was artificially grown. Fantastic! We’re now officially one step closer to having a completely donor-less organ replacement society. Guys, that means you’ll no longer have to check that box when renewing your license just so you can brag about it to a girl in hopes of getting laid.

But we’re not in the future yet. Why? Because I don’t have access to my very own jet-pack. You lied to me, science! THIS IS THE FUTURE! I WANT MY GODDAMN JET-PACK!

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.

Jetpacks!

No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

Stealing games is a two star offense

Don't trust him. His smile and the butterflies belie the theft he's going to do.Not one game out there thrives on controversy more than the ones in the Grand Theft Auto series. Known for ridiculous violence involving jet packs, porn stars former porn stars taking a turn at voice acting, pixelated (literally) sex achieved through hacking peripherals and plenty of racial slurs, no one involves controversy more than these games. So what happens when a game that’s based on making perfectly immoral (but fun) decisions is the target of crime in real life?

Irony.

Grand Theft Auto IV, the latest in the series, comes out this week came out today; however, according to Ars Technica, a “surprising amount of copies are not making their way to the individuals that ordered them.” Yes, not even 24 hours before GTA IV hits the streets crime is already on the rise in the form of a few UPS employees helping themselves to your pre-ordered murder simulator of choice. Slow news day? Yes. Hearsay? Oh yes. Ars Technica even says that this is simply “a novel situation” and later tells Kotaku that “In one 24-hour period, three workers were fired, and more interviews were scheduled for today that would likely end in termination.” Isolated incident? Almost totally.

So, what have we learned? Don’t go with UPS. Spend the extra 2 dollars to get it sent via Fed-Ex. There’s usually less incompetency as a whole that way.