You Missed It: Pop culture edition

It’s not whitewashing, it’s airbrushing.

I really don’t care about the pregnant giraffe. I don’t understand how it even went viral in the first place. Everyone loves baby animals, but not that many people actually want to see said baby animals being born live via webcam. In terms of cultural things I just don’t see the appeal of, this is up there with the Dave Matthews Band, reality television and basketball. If you were busy breaking it off with Aaron Rodgers this week, odds are you missed it.

White girl solves racism
This week, Pepsi released an ad that featured noted young rich person Kendall Jenner joining a crowd of protesters holding signs reading “Join the Conversation!” and giving a police officer a can of Pepsi. The ad was criticized for trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement to sell sugar water. Executives were shocked that a crowd of diverse stereotypes, music, and a message so general it’s meaningless didn’t work. After all, it worked for Coke 46 years ago.

Rickles dies 50 years later than average for comics
Comedy legend Don Rickles died on Thursday at the age of 90. He is being mourned by the standup comedy community, and remembered as a comedian perhaps the last of his kind. But the real question is, who thought it was a good idea to book him at that Syrian air base?

More scripted fun with Jimmy Fallon
This week, Universal Orlando held the grand opening for a ride based on Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show. The ride is described as a jaunt through New York City, but no matter how fast he goes, Fallon just can’t seem to catch Stephen Colbert.

You Missed It: Worth it edition

R.I.P., Ron.
R.I.P., Ron.

I’m not really a big Halloween guy. It’s not because I’m in my 30s and its a little weird for people my age to dress up in costumes. I’ve been this way at least since high school. When I was a kid, Halloween was great. I got to wear a costume of my choosing, I got tons of candy, and there were pumpkins to carve. Now it just seems like a hassle. Finding a costume is the problem. Either you make one yourself by shopping around, or you pay a ton for a crappy pre-made thing. I always look forward to the day after Halloween so I can read about all the people who wore clearly inappropriate costumes. If you were busy claiming you had sex with Prince this week, odds are you missed it.

WHO ruins everything for everyone
The World Health Organization released a report this week linking processed meats, such as ham, bacon and hot dogs, with colon and stomach cancer. A second report release found that about two-thirds of people under 50 have some form of herpes. But really, who cares? If the internet’s bacon craze is any indicator, we’re all going to die of cancer in a few years.

Racing Johnny Carson would be better
It was announced this week that Universal Studios Orlando will open a ride featuring Jimmy Fallon in 2017. The move is seen as corporate synergy at its best. The ride is supposed to be a race with the Tonight Show host through the streets of New York, but probably with less profanity than the real thing. Like the show, all the “spontaneous” moments will have been choreographed, and no one will think Fallon is funnier than he will. Just try not to fall down and hurt yourself, Jimmy.

Wrestling moves in our schools
This week, a school resource officer in South Carolina was caught on video throwing a teenage student out of her chair when she refused to leave a classroom. And a video at a school in California showed a large student fight, during which the principal is body slammed. Man, Michelle Obama’s Let Move campaign is really connecting with kids.

You Missed It: Illiterati edition

Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.
Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.

Well this sucks. Yesterday, the women’s U.S. Olympic hockey team lost to Canada after being up by two goals. Today, the U.S. men’s team lost to Canada 1-0. The women won the silver medal, the best the men can now hope for is bronze. It’s not like team USA has done horribly, it’s just the agony of losing to those Molson-sippers twice in two days. If you were busy announcing an alternate version of your movie this week, odds are you missed it.

The universe revolves around us
Americans are good at a lot of things, but according to a new survey, science isn’t one of them. The National Science Foundation found that only 74% of Americans know that Earth revolves around the sun, and only half know that humans evolved from earlier species. This is why scientific polls should never be conducted in the state of Kentucky.

It’s a repeat
Jimmy Fallon took over as host of The Tonight Show this week, following what is surely going to be the temporary retirement of Jay Leno. His first week on the job was marked by celebrity cameos and high ratings. Hey, has anyone checked on Conan O’Brien? Someone should give him a hug.

Racism rocks in Texas
Rock ‘n roll senior citizen and self-proclaimed crazy person Ted Nugent this week called President Barack Obama a “subhuman mongrel” while on the campaign trail for Texas attorney general. At first, local politicians defended the Nuge, saying he was simply exercising his 1st Amendment rights, but soon, liberals like Gov. Rick Perry and Sen. Rand Paul called for an apology. Uncle Ted eventually apologized, saying that after personal reflection, he was wango tango sorry.

You Missed It: In-flight entertainment edition

"Hey everybody, I'm Jay Mohr. What is it with airline food? Am I right?"
“Hi, I’m Jay Mohr. What is it with airline food? Am I right?”

August is still summer, damn it. And I’ll challenge anyone who says otherwise. When I was a kid, I hated the fact that classes started up in late August. In college, they started a week or two earlier. So for me, summer was effectively over. Now that I’m an adult and don’t have to worry about such silly things, I still have people telling me summer is over. One such person is Samuel Adams. His Octoberfest season beer hit shelves in late July. As far as I’m concerned, that’s prime summer beer time. There’s also talk that the summer movie season is drawing to a close this weekend. That might seem reasonable, seeing as how it how starts in April. In the Northern Hemisphere, summer goes from June 21 to September 21. If you announced your possible retirement from music this week, odds are you missed it.

‘Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your flight attendant’
If you hate flying and just wish you could get some peace a quiet during your flights, be glad you don’t live in England. Virgin Atlantic announced this week that it will be offering stand-up comedy acts on some of its flights within the U.K. There will even be live music acts on certain flights. And you know how everyone agrees on music. Virgin founder Richard Branson said that he just wanted a way for sky marshals to blow off some steam.

Has anyone thought to blame ‘Shark Week’?
Scores of dead dolphins have been washing ashore on the East Coast this summer, especially over the past two weeks. It’s happening at seven times the normal rate, according to some counts. Scientists say no cause has been found yet, but it’s likely something related to water quality. This is why you shouldn’t pee in the ocean.

The Roots were there for entrance music
Back in late July, Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their new daughter, Winnie Rose. This week, the new dad announced that they had had the child through a surrogate, after having difficulty conceiving. Fallon said that he had been concerned that if it was his wife having the baby, he’d start cracking up in the middle of one of her contractions.

Sox and the education

Looks like the reach of Red Sox Nation has finally found it’s way onto college campuses. Bates College is offering a course on Red Sox Nation as part of their curriculum, and with only 15 seats per semester, needless to say it fills up pretty fast.

Now, were Sox fans upset about the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fiasco? As far as we’re concerned, IT NEVER HAPPENED. Were we upset about Jimmy Fallon representing us (I use that term very loosely) on the big screen? Fallon has his own level of Hell in our book. And the millions of documentaries, books and children’s books since 2004? Maybe a little bit too much. But a college course? Freaking sweet.

 50mvkidan vk’jla nvla
a’gvnkldsf’aklhn (head hitting keyboard for not attending Bates)

First new Late Show failure coming up

It happens every time the annointed King of Late Night announces his retirement: the courtiers battle for the not-yet-vacant throne.  This post isn’t about that: we already know that Conan will be the new Leno king … but that is another story.

No, this is about the scurry to fill the other late night slots once the hosts shift around.  For every Craig Ferguson, there is an ill-fated Magic Johnson or Chevy Chase.  They’re the virgin sacrifice to the Safe Comedy Gods, getting some TV time for a week or less, then slaughtered to ensure a solid ten years of unchallenging celebrity jokes.

The first sacrifice has been announced: Jimmy Fallon will most likely take over Conan’s Late Show.  May the Gods be sated with his blood.