Still beats McCain’s makeup tips

When it comes to cushy government jobs, the office of Vice President of the United States might just be the cushiest. They’re the non-speaking President of the U.S. Senate, and aside from the occasional “honey-do” list from the President, they basically sit around waiting for a pretzel to do its nasty work.

Fortunately, our current Veep, Joe Biden, has found a new role to occupy his time: C@%kblocker in Chief.

Since 2008, Vice President Biden has counseled every young woman he’s met to not date until they’re 30. 30? This sounds like the work of IHOP’s Early Bird Special Lobbyists.

Who gives a f#%k?

ABC News wants to know what you think about grown-up Joe Biden using the *gasp* F-word at a recent press event!

Weak hearts and simple minds are allegedly a-flutter because the Vice President described the passage of health care reform as “a big f#%king deal.” Was he wrong? Does it not matter? Even if you disagree with the bill, doesn’t the ushering-in of socialism merit a “BFD?”

How are you handling Joe’s language? Do you need to sit down? Maybe a nice warm glass of “Go f#%k yourself” will calm your prissy nerves.

You Missed It: There is no joy in Beantown edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here. Anyway, if you were busy getting cash for your clunker, odds are you missed it.

How Papi got so big
There is no God. First Brady’s injury, now this. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003, when both were playing for the Boston Red Sox and on their way to becoming legends in the city. Boston fans are surprised because they are naive. And since we’re going for disclosure here, I was on performance enhancing drugs during the 2004 playoffs, and so was Bryan Schools. The more we drank during the second half of the ALCS and World Series, the better they played.

We should try this with Israel and Palestine!
You may not have heard about this, but apparently a black Harvard professor was arrested by a white police officer and the issue became a little tense racially. Luckily, President Barack Obama knew just what to do in commenting on a topic that had nothing to do with him, thereby making it into a huge issue. Predictably, they settled it with booze They got together at the White House, invited “Crazy” Joe Biden over and drank away the awkwardness. The bad news is that Obama drinks Bud Light and Biden doesn’t even drink alcoholic beer.

You might be a terrorist if …
A North Carolina father and several others have been arrested and charged in relation to what police say was a “violent jihad” terror plot. Authorities say Daniel Patrick Boyd, a Muslim who sports a bowl cut, known in the Muslim world as “The Holy Hairstyle of the Prophet,” traveled to Pakistan to plan attacks on American soil. In other news, I have yet another reason not to go to a NASCAR race.

The feel-good racial tension of the year

The nice part about having a VP is always having someone available for double-dates.To close out our coverage of the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. fiasco and Beergate 2009, we leave Gates and Sgt. Crowley on a brighter note.

Their initial meeting was a misunderstanding, leaving one to think the other was an uptight, Harvard-teaching priss and the other a bumbling meathead with a badge. They infuriated each other; but little did they know that they were challenging each other to learn something … about themselves.

And then Gates friend, who just happens to be the President of the United States, took his friend’s side before discovering that Crowley deserved a second chance. Taking fate into his own hands, he invited them each over for a beer on the same day. Oh to be a fly on that wall!

After what Crowley described as a “private,” frank” and–as we imagine–wry, yet touching conversation, the two have agreed to meet again, this time without the First Chaperone. They plan to call each other over the next couple of days to arrange their next outing/compare favorite movies and music.

The Guys don’t normally cry at romantic comedies, and such was the case with this one. However, our allergies are acting up, so that’s why they’re watering. No, really.

How To: Celebrate a birthday

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.

One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.

Clearly, someone was not paying attention to us. That’s why The Guys bring you how to celebrate a birthday. Continue reading How To: Celebrate a birthday

You Missed It: Who would Jesus endorse? edition

We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.

But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.

My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.

It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.

To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.

(Image by Michael Ian Weinfield via ANIMAL)

Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What this election really means

The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates

At this point, the presidential candidates and their vice presidential picks have been covered, analyzed and talked about to death. All that is left are rumors and we can leave those to the rumor mongers. (What is a monger, by the way?)

That being said, I figured out an angle that all of the mainstream media, all of the New Media and bloggers have not yet been able to cover: what are the candidates like when you get a couple drinks in them at the bar. I sat down with each of the candidates over the past week and discussed the issues that matter to Joe Sixpack, like who is going to pay the tab. The Democrats won the coin toss backstage and have elected to go first. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates

How To: Tune out the election

In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.

If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)

Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election. Continue reading How To: Tune out the election

Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates

I’ve worn many hats in my day: lover, fighter, bitch, mother, firefighter (stripper at a children’s birthday party), Corsican–this list could go on and on. But, the most important hat I’ve ever worn is that of a problem-solver, a societal engineer if you will.

Right now, we have two major problems here in America:

1) There’s a new citizenship test for immigrants who are in the process of naturalization. The only hangup is that some people think the answers might be too hard for non-English speakers.

2) The moderator for the vice presidential debate might be biased against idiots people who are really smart, but just don’t come across that way when explaining why they’re smart. Just like O.J., Sarah Palin might have a hard time Thursday night because somebody might have read a newspaper that morning.

Here’s the solution: switch the formats. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Citizenship tests and ‘biased’ debates