From here on out, the Back to the Future trilogy will take place exclusively in the past. Wednesday marked the date in the second film where Doc and Marty travel to the future. This means that kids won’t see the movies the way we did. More importantly, it means an end to those “today is the day” hoaxes that duped your friends on social media. It will also hopefully mean the end of companies trying to cash in on the film nostalgia. Who wants to bet the remake them within a decade? If you were busy bringing back the flip phone in a music video this week, odds are you missed it.
A new hope
After months of anticipation, the final trailer for the new Star Wars film was released this week, and the internet went nuts. It had a decent amount of new footage and hints at what the hell the plot is supposed to be, and had more Han Solo in it. Fans now have just two months until their absurdly high expectations for the movie are crushed and their childhoods are collectively ruined yet again.
Ryan tells House he needs time with his other family
For weeks, Rep. Paul Ryan said he didn’t want to be speaker of the House. But at the insistence of his party, Ryan said he would take the job, as long as Republicans agreed to his demands, including that he not have to give up any of his time with his family, and that his staffers be allowed family leave. For those of you keeping score at home, Ryan just insisted that he and the people who work for him get paid leave, but he still believes that if you need to take some time off to tend to personal matters, you should just quit your job and stop asking to get paid for work you’re not doing, bub.
Dems compete for worst day ever
This week, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced they will no longer seek the Democratic nomination for president. Vice President Joe Biden announced that he won’t run for the White House, either. Martin O’Malley sang an awkward dad version of “Bad Blood” on national television, and Hillary Clinton was grilled for 11 hours about Benghazi and her emails. By default, it was a good week to be Bernie Sanders.
If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.
Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.
Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.
The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading →
After winning the Boston mayoral election, Marty Walsh received two calls: one from the President’s calling service and the next from Vice President Joe Biden himself. The only problem was that both called the wrong Marty Walsh in Boston.
Both had called Marty Walsh, a consultant who managed Ted Kennedy’s 2006 senate reelection campaign, not Marty Walsh, the guy Boston just elected.
We guess it makes sense that the White House is the last office on Earth that still uses the White Pages.
Now that it’s November over, it’s time to switch from from Halloween candy to Christmas candy. You may have seen department stores across the U.S. flagrantly bringing out Christmas stuff even when they were still selling Halloween stuff, creating real-life versions of Nightmare Before Christmas. Next year, I’ll capitalize on that and give trick-or-treaters candy shaped like Santa Claus. If you’re a homophobic author that was looking forward to the release of a movie based on your book this week, odds are you missed it.
Kraft is going colorblind
We’ve got some bad news, and it’s going to affect every one of you out there. It may even alter the view of your childhood. Things will never seem quite the same again. Some character shapes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are going to be less yellow next year. Spongebob Squarepants, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and How to Train Your Dragon pasta shapes will no longer contain yellows 5 or 6. The company said that combined, they cranked the yellow up to 11.
Biden was almost too cool for the ticket
According to a new book by journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the Obama campaign had considered replacing Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton as vice president. Sources say that the campaign did a great deal of polling whether there would be an advantage in changing the ticket, but Biden showedupwithdoughnuts.
Boston regains title of least favorite city by other fans
In Game 6, the Boston Red Sox won their third World Series in nine years. It was the first time the team had won at home since 1918, which meant that fans were legally required to riot. As the team charged the field after the final out, Series MVP David Ortiz was wearing a helmet. Not a batting helmet, a helmet the style that skateboarders and some motorcyclists wear. This whole concussion safety thing may be going a bit far.
When it comes to cushy government jobs, the office of Vice President of the United States might just be the cushiest. They’re the non-speaking President of the U.S. Senate, and aside from the occasional “honey-do” list from the President, they basically sit around waiting for a pretzel to do its nasty work.
Fortunately, our current Veep, Joe Biden, has found a new role to occupy his time: C@%kblocker in Chief.
Since 2008, Vice President Biden has counseled every young woman he’s met to not date until they’re 30. 30? This sounds like the work of IHOP’s Early Bird Special Lobbyists.
ABC News wants to know what you think about grown-up Joe Biden using the *gasp* F-word at a recent press event!
Weak hearts and simple minds are allegedly a-flutter because the Vice President described the passage of health care reform as “a big f#%king deal.” Was he wrong? Does it not matter? Even if you disagree with the bill, doesn’t the ushering-in of socialism merit a “BFD?”
How are you handling Joe’s language? Do you need to sit down? Maybe a nice warm glass of “Go f#%k yourself” will calm your prissy nerves.
Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here. Anyway, if you were busy getting cash for your clunker, odds are you missed it.
How Papi got so big
There is no God. First Brady’s injury, now this. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003, when both were playing for the Boston Red Sox and on their way to becoming legends in the city. Boston fans are surprised because they are naive. And since we’re going for disclosure here, I was on performance enhancing drugs during the 2004 playoffs, and so was Bryan Schools. The more we drank during the second half of the ALCS and World Series, the better they played.
We should try this with Israel and Palestine!
You may not have heard about this, but apparently a black Harvard professor was arrested by a white police officer and the issue became a little tense racially. Luckily, President Barack Obama knew just what to do in commenting on a topic that had nothing to do with him, thereby making it into a huge issue. Predictably, they settled it with booze They got together at the White House, invited “Crazy” Joe Biden over and drank away the awkwardness. The bad news is that Obama drinks Bud Light and Biden doesn’t even drink alcoholic beer.
You might be a terrorist if …
A North Carolina father and several others have been arrested and charged in relation to what police say was a “violent jihad” terror plot. Authorities say Daniel Patrick Boyd, a Muslim who sports a bowl cut, known in the Muslim world as “The Holy Hairstyle of the Prophet,” traveled to Pakistan to plan attacks on American soil. In other news, I have yet another reason not to go to a NASCAR race.
To close out our coverage of the Henry Louis Gates, Jr. fiasco and Beergate 2009, we leave Gates and Sgt. Crowley on a brighter note.
Their initial meeting was a misunderstanding, leaving one to think the other was an uptight, Harvard-teaching priss and the other a bumbling meathead with a badge. They infuriated each other; but little did they know that they were challenging each other to learn something … about themselves.
And then Gates friend, who just happens to be the President of the United States, took his friend’s side before discovering that Crowley deserved a second chance. Taking fate into his own hands, he invited them each over for a beer on the same day. Oh to be a fly on that wall!
After what Crowley described as a “private,” frank” and–as we imagine–wry, yet touching conversation, the two have agreed to meet again, this time without the First Chaperone. They plan to call each other over the next couple of days to arrange their next outing/compare favorite movies and music.
The Guys don’t normally cry at romantic comedies, and such was the case with this one. However, our allergies are acting up, so that’s why they’re watering. No, really.
Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.
One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.
We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.
But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.
My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.
It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.
To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.