You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

You Missed It: Orange is the new red state edition

Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.
Fiorina also holds the title for least successful stage dive.

I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.

We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?

A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.

Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.

Don’t call it a setback, he was never ahead

Jesus. At least pick up the knife if it burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.
Jesus. At least pick up the knife if your Veggie Lover’s slice burns your fingers, Lord Fauntleroy.

Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in QueensThe Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.

We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.

Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.

Governor of the great state of Delusion

Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we'd need a hug, too.
Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we’d need a hug, too.

There are a lot of sad stories in every election. Any candidate can find themselves on top of the world for a hot second, only to see it all fall away after one joy ride in a tank or in the span of one creepy, slow motion smile.

We thought we had already seen the saddest moment of this election when heir apparent, Jeb Bush, literally begged for applause after what he thought was a real barn-burner of a speech.

But, no, the saddest thing we’ve seen are the walking dead — the candidates still trying to walk around despite a giant hole in their chest. John Kasich is like a ghost in Beetlejuice: he doesn’t even know he’s dead yet.

[A] new ad from a super PAC supporting Ohio Gov. John Kasich warns against anointing the freshmen senator [Marco Rubio] too quickly.

[…]

“D.C. insiders are clamoring to crown Marco Rubio king of the GOP before he’s even proven he can win anything, and that kind of shortsighted arrogance could hand Hillary Clinton the election,” Connie Wehrkamp, New Day For America’s spokeswoman, said in a statement.

Meanwhile, in polls, Donald Trump is leading Rubio in his own home state of Florida by double-digits: 44 percent to 28 percent. Kasich, in the meantime, has yet to even reach Rubio, trailing even behind Ted Cruz, who looks like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who’s looking for his arm on the beach. The two are polling at seven percent and twelve percent respectively.

Unless Kasich and at least one other wounded candidate walk towards the light, Trump will win this primary with less than half of all Republican votes.

Walker out: remaining GOP candidates swarm his one voter

As of filing time of this report, 230 more potential Republican presidential candidates have barricaded Carl in his own home, each hoping to win that vote Scott Walker expected in the primary.
As of filing time of this report, 230 more potential Republican presidential candidates have barricaded Carl in his own home, each hoping to win that vote Scott Walker expected in the primary.

In less than a few hours after Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker bowed out of the Republican Party’s primary for the 2016 presidential election, all 13 remaining GOP candidates have swarmed Carl, the one guy who planned to vote for Walker, making up his entire 1.8 percent of positive polling numbers.

Carl reported first being approached by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tx.), who immediately began taking the Wisconsin native’s measurement and muttering under his breath about a new coat. “This was weird to me because I already have a coat, and it couldn’t be for him because he wasn’t wearing one,” Carl said.

He then was approached by former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who held his hand out respectfully and allowed Carl to smell his hand before gently petting him behind the ears with two fingers.

This calm, pleasant moment lasted seconds before hearing the shout of, “An unaffiliated Republican voter” from 11 varyingly affected Southern drawls. He was then mobbed by Sen. Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorino, Dr. Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and Sen. Lindsay Graham. In the scrum to win his support, Carl has received a torn shirt, bruised ribs and an unexplained case of pink eye. His left shoe is still missing, but suspected to be firmly in the Rubio camp.

Donald Trump has reportedly already counted Carl’s vote as his own, having called him a loser who knows a good thing when he sees one. “That’s me, morons,” Trump clarified.