This summer has been kind of a disappointment, hasn’t it? Pretty much every major movie release was a flop, and the best ones struggled to break even. “Blurred Lines,” what many call the song of the summer, may have been lifted from a song from the 1970s, plus, it’s by the son of actor Alan Thicke, which is just weird. We haven’t even had a decent hurricane to complain about so far this year. I want a refund. If you were busy worrying about what a CEO looks like in Vogue magazine, odds are you missed it.
Gotham City is now Boston
The internet was set ablaze when it was announced that Ben Affleck will be the next Batman in the sequel to this year’s Man of Steel. Pretty much everyone hated the idea that Affleck who has written, starred in and directed some critically-acclaimed movies in reason years, would play the Caped Crusader. But they always say that. People said Val Kilmer couldn’t be Batman, didn’t they?
Everyone goes there this time of year
This week, it was discovered that a man had been living in Jennifer Lopez’s unoccupied house in the Hamptons without being discovered for six days. The man, who claimed to be Lopez’s ex-husband, holed up in the mansion’s pool house and posted things on his Facebook account declaring his love for the singer/actress. He went unnoticed by security staff, even though his car was parked out front. The only thing that got him out was the news that he was cast as the next Batman.
Return of the walrus
Even though it’s pretty much illegal everywhere, the owner of one of John Lennon’s teeth has handed over his prize in hopes that scientists will be able to clone the dead Beatle. If it did work, the Lennon clone would not have any of the original’s memories, skills or philosophies. They should clone Ringo next, there’s no way he could hit the life jackpot twice in a row, right?
Remember 1998, if you can. Bill Clinton was president, the Spice Girls were considered musicians, and we had two asteroid movies. We went for years and years without a single major “asteroid is coming to end humanity” movie, and then BAM, we get Deep Impact and Armageddon. How does that happen? Well, this year we’re getting two different “White House gets overrun by terrorists” movies. I can’t remember the last time we even had one in that vein, unless you count Air Force One. We need Congressional hearings examining why this is happening. If you were busy asking Kate Upton to your prom this week, odds are you missed it.
The tweet heard round the world
This week, Yoko Ono tweeted a picture of John Lennon’s bloody glasses, with a statement about the thousands of Americans who have been killed by guns since her husband was shot in 1980. It was then retweeted by President Barack Obama’s campaign arm, Organizing for Action, which got people talking. Only thing is, it’s just a cropped photo of Ono’s “Season of Glass” album cover. The photo has existed for over 30 years, but it’s only now gaining popularity, because no one listens to Yoko Ono, and they just assume the picture has a cool Instagram filter on it.
The age-old Harvard-New Mexico rivalry
March Insanity is off and running. Yesterday, the first round began, and productivity in the U.S. dropped significantly. A lot of people are complaining that their brackets are already shot, after Harvard beat New Mexico in a 68-62 stunner. This is not the first or last time that people who went to Harvard made you lose money.
Coming soon to fanfiction
Joe Jonas, who is apparently one of the Jonas brothers, denied rumors that there is a sex tape of he and his girlfriend. The rumor claimed that the video showed Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler, what a name, and was shot by a third party. Jonas tweeted, and this is true, “Ball gag? Really? Me?” I think that’s also the title of the next album.
The FBI has uncovered new evidence in their apparently ongoing case against former Beetle and current dead guy, John Lennon! The Bureau swept in and confiscated a copy of his fingerprints before they could be auctioned off, preventing them from falling into the wrong hands.
What would the FBI need Lennon’s fingerprints for? Perhaps they can finally pin him to several of the cases they weren’t investigating him for in the 1970s. Or maybe there are secret messages in the swirls and loops to hidden Beetle cells throughout the world.
That’s right: John Lennon might just wage peace from beyond the grave!
The big meanies up in Utah decided to create a little thing called HB 353. What is HB 353, other than the worst nightmares of Satan, Hitler and John Lennon all rolled up into one? It’s a video game and movie bill brought about originally by Jack Thompson, in which stiffer fines to video game retailers and movie theaters that gave minors access to games or movies rated above their age level would be added. Also, it’s a giant leap in logic that doesn’t actually look for true accountability (i.e., most parents). So what’s the big hub-bub?
It breezed through the Utah House and Senate by wide margins and it was expected that Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah would back it as well. Not so.
“While protecting children from inappropriate materials is a laudable goal, the language of this bill is so broad that it likely will be struck down by the courts as an unconstitutional violation of the Dormant Commerce Clause and/or the First Amendment,” explained Huntsman. “The industries most affected by this new requirement indicated that rather than risk being held liable under this bill, they would likely choose to no longer issue age appropriate labels on goods and services.
“Therefore, the unintended consequence of the bill would be that parents and children would have no labels to guide them in determining the age appropriateness of the goods or service, thereby increasing children’s potential exposure to something they or their parents would have otherwise determined was inappropriate under the voluntary labeling system now being recognized and embraced by a significant majority of vendors.”
It’s a well known fact that I’m a bit of a major spelling and grammar nazi. Nonetheless, I’ve never been more happy to see sloppy writing. Well, that and some major lobbying by the video game industry. A big and hearty congratulations to everyone who helped knock the bill proposal down. You’ve earned it.
Paul McCartney, I have a bone to pick with you, and it’s not even about the fact that you’re looking saggier than usual these days. You too, Yoko Ono. Sure, you got the raw end of the deal and all the blame for splitting up The Beatles, but what you’ve done since then is what I’m here about. Ringo Starr, you’re OK with me. For the most part, you’ve kept to yourself and gone on to do other things like “The No-no Song” and you even recently announced you’re not going to sign autographs anymore.
Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.
And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)
Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.
Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.
Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).
And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.
Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.