You Missed It: Canberra calling edition

A diplomatic incident with Australia? ‘Simpsons’ did it!

I’m not a Trump supporter, but I think I know what it’s like to be one. After all, I’m a New England Patriots fan. I know what it’s like to be part of a group that has clearly had the rules systematically bent in their favor, only to develop a persecution complex when things don’t go our way once or twice. Also, I’ve talked myself into believing that the leader of my team doesn’t really mean it when he supports questionable political ideas. Most of the country hates us, but we win anyway. No wonder Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are friends with this Trump guy. If you were busy this week taking weird photos to announce that you are pregnant with twins, odds are you missed it.

Trump vs. Australia
This week, President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull had a phone conversation, and it did not go well. At one point, Trump criticized a refugee agreement between the U.S. and Australia, and eventually he hung up on Malcolm. Sen. John McCain called Australia Ambassador Joe Hockey (who should really be the Canadian ambassador) to smooth things over between the two countries. I don’t know if the good-cop-bad-cop routine has ever been used in international diplomacy, this should be interesting.

Attention whore gets attention in attention-grabbing move
In the most predictable news story of the week, alt-right white nationalist darling Milo Yiannopoulos was forced to cancel his speaking engagement at Berkeley due to student protests. Yiannopoulos and his supporters criticized the violence conducted by some demonstrators, including a big fire, but really, they were just upset they couldn’t throw books into it.

Don’t eat fast food packaging
And finally, scientists revealed this week that chemicals used to block grease in fast food containers are leeching into our burgers, fries and burritos. Great plan, guys, telling Americans that fast food is bad for them hasn’t worked so far, but why not try it again?

Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

Elder U.S. Senator fears never seeing another war in dwindling lifetime

As McCain considers his own mortality at the cost of hundreds of thousands of Syrian and American lives, he worries that another war might pass him by.
As McCain considers his own mortality at the potential cost of hundreds of thousands of Syrian and American lives, he worries that another war might pass him by.

Sen. John McCain expressed profound disappointment in President Barack Obama’s decision to delay plans for missile strikes on Syria. He chided the president for instead opting for a diplomatic solution with the Russians, who will help negotiate the turnover of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical weapons stockpile to the U.N.

‘I was very disappointed that the president did not mention the Free Syrian Army and our moral and material assistance, which is required. I think they do feel abandoned,’ the Arizona Republican said.

“And I was only one punch hole away from another free defense contract on my U.S. Foreign Policy in the Middle East card, too,” he added, looking down at his shoes while kicking at an invisible dust mote.

At 77 years old, each failed opportunity to (as McCain put it) “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb” a desert nation puts that last hole ever more perilously out of reach. The only reason he reportedly still bothers getting out of bed now is his hope that things could always turn uglier in Egypt.

McCain couldn’t even make it to 2012 before ‘confusion’

News Flash! from The Guys’ “Holy Crap, Did We Dodge A Bullet There” Department: Former Presidential candidate, suspected carnival pirate ghost and Sen. John McCain cannot fathom why people would be upset that he blamed a wildfire on illegal immigrants. Though McCain claimed to hear this from a forest service officer, the U.S. Forest Service says there is no evidence of this claim whatsover.

McCain then said, presumably sleepily, that he meant “that other fire. You know, the one started by the beaners …. What? You can’t say ‘beaners’ anymore? But that’s what Carlos Mencia says, and he’s a, er, Latin.”

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

My apologies for not telling you last week what came after the 1950s. With Labor Day and all, we were off from work and observing the Holy Day of the Worker by refraining from blogging. Today I am pleased to tell you that the 1960s came after the 1950s, but they are more commonly referred to as The Sixties.

For America, it marked a time of great change, you may have heard about that once or twice. But is what happened forty years ago really over? Of course not, the Baby Boomers are still around arguing over whether or not we won the Vietnam War.

Hit the jump, do some ‘ludes and free your soul, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

Politics: The only professional field for 12-year-olds

Lookit Sarah, all trying to upstage Cindy with that bigger flag pin.You may have noticed that this post is filed under Scury ’08. That’s because this story reaches back that far.

You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.

Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.

No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.

Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”

That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.

Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.

So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”

Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”

And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!

Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”

So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president