McCain couldn’t even make it to 2012 before ‘confusion’

News Flash! from The Guys’ “Holy Crap, Did We Dodge A Bullet There” Department: Former Presidential candidate, suspected carnival pirate ghost and Sen. John McCain cannot fathom why people would be upset that he blamed a wildfire on illegal immigrants. Though McCain claimed to hear this from a forest service officer, the U.S. Forest Service says there is no evidence of this claim whatsover.

McCain then said, presumably sleepily, that he meant “that other fire. You know, the one started by the beaners …. What? You can’t say ‘beaners’ anymore? But that’s what Carlos Mencia says, and he’s a, er, Latin.”

SeriouslyGuyCott: Arizona

In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.

That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.

We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:

  • Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
  • AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
  • The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
  • Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
  • John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

My apologies for not telling you last week what came after the 1950s. With Labor Day and all, we were off from work and observing the Holy Day of the Worker by refraining from blogging. Today I am pleased to tell you that the 1960s came after the 1950s, but they are more commonly referred to as The Sixties.

For America, it marked a time of great change, you may have heard about that once or twice. But is what happened forty years ago really over? Of course not, the Baby Boomers are still around arguing over whether or not we won the Vietnam War.

Hit the jump, do some ‘ludes and free your soul, man. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: History That Happened in the Past (1960-1969)

Politics: The only professional field for 12-year-olds

Lookit Sarah, all trying to upstage Cindy with that bigger flag pin.You may have noticed that this post is filed under Scury ’08. That’s because this story reaches back that far.

You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.

Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.

No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.

Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”

That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.

Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.

So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”

Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”

And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!

Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”

So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

Here we are at the end of the campaign trail of the 2008 election, or as it is known in the Washington area, the kickoff for 2012. We all know where the candidates stand on the issues, heck, Al Gore emailed my work address this morning to tell me about how important elections are, which is probably caused by global warming. In just over 24 hours, it will all finally be over. No more calls, no more people knocking on your door, no more activists pathetically trying to get you to listen to them as you walk by listening to your iPod.

This is the end of the good times.

In my opinion, this election could not have come at a worse time. We as a nation were finally united and then this thing comes along and splits us all up again. For the past two or three years, we have reached across our own aisles to work together toward a common goal: hating George W. Bush. It took the hard work of a bumbling administration, war, natural disaster, the English language and the hard work of people like Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon, but we got there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

Oh, that maverick!

If there’s one thing a maverick can’t stand … it’s a maverick?

As the French say, such is life, in regards to the latest news from the John McCain presidential campaign. McCain aides are growing increasingly frustrated as vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin continues to not use “the remarks [they] sent her on the plane.”

They now have a term for when Sarah’s “just being Sarah:” “going rogue.”

One campaign source–unidentified, of course–painted an even more interesting portrait:

“‘She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone,’ this McCain adviser said. ‘She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else.

‘Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom.'”

Fortunately, we’re not voting for the reckless maverick that speaks off the cuff and rejects party lines for vice president: we’re voting for the straight-talkin’ maverick that scripts talking points for his vice presidential candidate.

(Did your head just explode?)

The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates

At this point, the presidential candidates and their vice presidential picks have been covered, analyzed and talked about to death. All that is left are rumors and we can leave those to the rumor mongers. (What is a monger, by the way?)

That being said, I figured out an angle that all of the mainstream media, all of the New Media and bloggers have not yet been able to cover: what are the candidates like when you get a couple drinks in them at the bar. I sat down with each of the candidates over the past week and discussed the issues that matter to Joe Sixpack, like who is going to pay the tab. The Democrats won the coin toss backstage and have elected to go first. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates