Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

Alright, so I threw away my broken toys last week and got married. I have now played with man things, like post-season baseball, college football and even dabbled in tuning out my wife. Yes, like a butterfly emerging forth from my basement cocoon, I have unfurled my wings to let the light beer of my college years drip off and become … a married comedy writer.

But don’t worry, SeriouslyReaders. I’m not about to turn “Take it from Snee” into Tim Allen’s next sitcom. No, I have more to bring you this week than anecdotes about my wedding. (Take my wife, for instance … please!)

No, I’ve also turned into an international man. You see, for two whole days, I had the honor–nay, privilege–of holding a temporary Bermuda driver’s license. Bermuda, of course, is an overseas territory of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II; therefore, I was Her Sovereign’s humble subject for two glorious days in the oldest remaining British colony!

So, as a married man who’s now seen how the rest of the world lives, let me share a few insights with you ugly Americans. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like

Fine! Maybe Georgia will have change to spare

With the economy heading down the tubes and the presidential election less than two weeks away, candidates are more in need of campaign funding but voters are more reluctant to give it to them. This, like so many other once-proud American jobs, the position of campaign financer is being outsourced overseas.

Russia’s envoy to the U.N. received a letter from the campaign of Sen. John McCain on Monday, asking for a donation of anywhere from $35 to $5,000. In the letter, McCain said he would be proud to serve the Russian envoy. Russia turned down the offer to donate. The McCain campaign said it was a mix-up on the mailing list.

The campaign added the slogan “Country First” does not declare which country comes first.

There’s no need to fear, UnderMcCain is here

Apparently John McCain likes being the underdog. He’s fine with being back six percentage points in the latest poll. The self-proclaimed “maverick” (Top Gun should really consider suing) has admitted that he has screwed up previous campaigns when ahead, so being the underdog might give him that extra little push. Ah yes, the rich white guy in the fight of his life, and if he loses … he gets to go back to being a rich, powerful white guy. We’ll just refer to McCain as the “Tampa Bay Rays” of the 2008 election.

Obama is British, too???

Just when it seemed like Obama was just about everything (black, white, Hawaiian, secret Muslim, a woman named Frieda), John McCain peels off yet another layer off of this onion of hope: he’s also British.

“He’s always been in the left lane of American politics.”

The left lane, people, like where the British drive.

You know who else was British? Great Britain. And they also liked to raise taxes: on tea, paper and podiatry. Fortunately, one man stood against those foul-toothed masses and shipped their bangers and mash back to Englandville. That man was John McCain.

So, who are you gonna call when Prime Minister Barack Obama taxes your crumpets and gives them to the unwashed poor? John McCain, who also remembers the Alamo.

His plan, of course, is to continue our system of taxing people with little to no money and give it back to the wealthy who were born deserving it. That’s the American Way™!

You Missed It: Bleary-eyed and sore edition

And so the sun begins to set on yet another joy-filled week here at SeriouslyGuys. We don’t know about you, but this week has seemed to be a long one, perhaps that is because we were too busy staying up late drinking for one reason or another. In that spirit, let’s examine what made us stay up late this week. If you were busy uncovering a city of the dead, odds are you missed it.

OK, where the hell did that come from?
Despite wishes of most non-committed MLB fans, TBS, and the weeks-old legion of Tampa Bay Rays fans, the upstarts, or “these young Rays” as the announcers keep calling them for some reason, did not manage to win the American League pennant this week. After winning three games in a row, with the ALCS at 3-1 in favor of Tampa and its Bay saw its seven run lead evaporate in just seven outs (which began in the 7th inning). The Boston Red Sox pulled off the biggest single-game postseason comeback (played in a ballpark in the western hemisphere with winds out of the southwest) since the 1920s, winning 8-7. See you in Game 6 (with more booze).

‘Congratulations, Joe, you’re rich’
You may have thought that Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama were campaigning for your vote. You are wrong. They are actually going for Joe the Plumber’s vote. Joe the Plumber is a nickname the two candidates used in this week’s presidential debate for an average guy, a plumber, making $280,000 a year, who wants to buy his business. You know, a guy just like the rest of us. Joe Sixpack, John Q. Public and Joe Cool were visibly distraught to see they had been cast aside by both candidates.

Oh yeah, there was that other game, too
The Philadelphia Phillies clinched the National League pennant this week, defeating the Los Angeles Dodges (who are not, mind you, of Anaheim). This cause for celebration for Phils fans, because they haven’t been there in like 15 years, which is almost the same as the Cubs’ 100 years. Woooooo! The curse is broken!!!!!!!11 However, Dodgers fans are not as happy, because they have to go back to living in L.A. and acting like that’s a good thing. Manny Ramirez was last seen wandering off, muttering something about potato farming in Idaho.

You Missed It: They spent how much on what? edition

The weekend is upon us. Rejoice, for a great and miraculous time of drinking and a life away from the office is upon most of America. Or maybe that’s just us. No, wait, that’s probably just us.

Oh, what’s that? We said last week that there wouldn’t be an edition of You Missed It this week? Well, we lied. About YMI not showing up this week. Rick Snee is indeed getting married tomorrow (as of this post) and Bryan McBournie will indeed be in attendance. As such, you’re stuck with me. This is your first and only warning. Nonethless, if you were busy cleaning out your retirement fund before Wall Street does it for you, odds are you missed it.

The world is on AIG’s tab

AIG, the insurance giant that was recently bailed out financially by a Congressional bill, came under fire when it was revealed that executives were sent on $440,000 retreat just days after receiving money from said bill. It was expected that along with basket-weaving, wallet-making and bug-juice drinking, they’d also learn how to make a s’more with ingredients that cost less than 45 dollar.

It’s just a case of he said, she he said

The hopes and desires of armchair politicians were sated as yet another debate between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain took place on Tuesday night. Adopting a townhall style format and moderated by Tom Brokaw, Obama was noted as looking “very statesmanlike”, while McCain drew comparisons to “your crazy Uncle Fred that’s looking for his meds”.

It’s a golden age for Unremovable Windows Inc.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average took numerous dives this week, ultimately landing at 679, the lowest level that it’s been to in 5 years (as of writing). The effect of this was so bad that even the Nikkei 225 Stock Average followed similar suit, dropping rapidly with an expected low opening. Noted French industry analyst was Doctor S. Urkelle was heard asking “Est-ce que j’ai fait cela?

How To: Tune out the election

In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.

If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)

Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election. Continue reading How To: Tune out the election

Summer camps get more and more nerdy

Think computer camp is geeky?  How about debate camp?

According to the McCain campaign, that’s where Sarah Palin is headed.

Debate Camp is nestled in one of presumably several rustic McCain homes in Arizona by a creek on what was once a Cocopa American Indian village. In fact, Debate Camp was called Cocopa Arguing Camp until they were sued by surviving tribes people in 1989.

Once she unpacks and meets her cabin mates, Gov. Palin will practice the arts of:

  • McCain’s talking points
  • Basket weaving
  • Republican ticket CPR
  • Baby naming
  • Ballroom dancing

As she left the bus station, Palin’s parents were somewhat weepy, but hoped the experience would be as character-building as their own sleepaway camping trips in their youth.

“She’ll probably be having so much fun that she’ll forget to write us,” Ma Heath said, wiping at her bloodshot eyes.

Pa Heath placed his large bear-like arm around her shoulder and led her away to the family sedan parked nearby.

You Missed It: Publicity stunt edition

Is it just us, or did September pass by far too quickly? By the time You Missed It comes around next Friday, it will be October, which more or less makes it officially Dead Leaf Season, better known as fall. Sure it may already be fall, but September never really feels like fall. October, on the other hand, can be associated with nothing but autumn. If you were busy watching the leaves turn this week, odds are you missed it.

Debating at the debate? Well that’s debatable
This week, Sen. John McCain announced he was suspending his campaign so that he could hunker down and fix the economy with the rest of Congress. He also said the debate scheduled for tonight should be moved, but when Sen. Barack Obama disagreed, McCain threatened not to show up unless real progress was made on the issue. The result remains yet to be seen, however, as of last night, if you had Washington Mutual in your office bank death pool, you win!

If he was invisible, he’d sneak into your closet
In shocking celebrity news, former American Idol contestant/elf-looking thing Clay Aiken came out of the closet and revealed that he is in fact gay. This came as a shock virtually no one, but that did not stop the article from making the cover of Obvious Statements Magazine.

You invented fireworks and you’re just getting to space now?
On Thursday (or maybe it was Friday there, who knows?) The Chinese launched their third manned space mission into, well, space. The Long March rocket (named that because the Chinese see the commute to space is seen as a walk of a great distance) lifted the three Chinastronauts into space, where they will attempt the program’s first space walk, which will again, be a long march.

Here’s the damn rum, now go away
It was revealed earlier today that Disney has signed Johnny Depp for a fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. The working title of the new movie is Pirates of the Caribbean: Plunderin’ Yer Wallet.

Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you

Bumper stickers: they may be the only clues we have about our fellow drivers. It dawned on me that people put these on their vehicles explicitly to tell us about themselves and their wonderful children and whatnot.

I mean, sure, you think you’re just proud to have a kid in Cub Scouts. But how would, say, a pedophile scout leader read that? (Braggadocio, most likely.)

What they don’t realize, though, is that their bumper stickers may say things they never intended. As a service to you, I have decoded popular ones so that you may avoid embarrassment or even roadside homicide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you