Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

The McBournie Minute: I’m moving to a new country

If I told a joke about someone a different race, religion, gender, etc. as me here, I might get some negative feedback. If I told a joke like that at work, it would be most likely a poor career move.

I’m not really one for that brand of humor anyway. Too much of it is misplaced. Humor is in misdirection and suprise, not in playing up stereotypes with bad impressions. (Hear that, Mencia?) So normally, I don’t think about this sort of thing, but last night, I had to.

I was out on the town, at an Irish Pub near me, watching Seamus Kennedy, an Irish folk singer (from Ireland, so you know he’s good) perform. It was there that I figured it out: foreigners can get away with way, way more than we Americans ever could. I’m not talking about the perceived white-people-can’t-make-jokes-anymore factor, just if you have an accent, you can say anything you want. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I’m moving to a new country

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

Oh, that old joke

Believe it or not, ancient civilizations were not just about wrestling nude or growing bitchin’ goatees. The ancients also seem to have had a sense of humor. So much so, that researchers say the world’s oldest known joke dates back to 1900 BC, to Sumeria. Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Now that you are done rolling around on the floor, let us analyze this joke. First off, it shows us that humans have loved toilet humor since long before there were toilets. Because of this, we should call it something like “hole dug in the sand humor.” Secondly, it shows us that while evolution may only be a theory, the evolution of humor is a law. Here is how we would say it today:

“My wife was sitting on my lap the other day (I know it seems strange, but she’s half my age, I’m 26, by the way) and she farted. Now, it took all the self restraint I could muster not to throw her across the room in digust. It got me wondering, does this happen to everyone?”

What do you call a Polish zombie?

Poland, better known as Europe’s playground, is probably second most common butt of jokes in Europe (second only to France) but that doesn’t mean the zombies don’t take it seriously.

A man in Poland drowned in August, according to the Polish government. But now he is struggling to get the Polish government to recognize he is back from the dead. Thanks to red tape, the man cannot be a zombie until he has the government’s approval. At least their government is doing something about the threat of the undead.