You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

I'm not eager to do this, and you shouldn't be, either.
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either.

We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online. We dumped ice water over our heads so we didn’t have to donate to charity, and felt good about it. We allowed Taylor Swift back into our lives. We voted out a bunch of Democrats because of Ebola. We watched Vladimir Putin close the Winter Olympics with the ceremonial invasion of Ukraine. In a year this dismal, one can feel lost. When I start feeling that way, I just ask myself, “What would Ernest Hemingway do?” Then I get rip-roaring drunk and forget the question. So pour yourself a glass and let’s do this.

January

At least she was clothed
Lena Dunham (of course we’re starting with her) was on the cover of Vogue magazine in January, and not in an ironic way. It got all the lady bloggers of all the internets upset, too, because her picture was clearly touched up. The Girls creator has touted herself as an example of what real people look like, and the photo betrayed all that, they said. In other news, Dunham was given an award for best magazine cover ever.

Let your bowels take a vacation
It was not a good month to be on a boat. First, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship had to cut its tour short because some 700 crew and passengers got sick. Then, a Princess cruise ship had a similar outbreak. We’re not talking about a head cold going around on the ship–it was the norovirus. A sizable amount of people were enjoying their vacations either in their cabin bathrooms without ventilation, or heaving over the side. They say bad things come in threes, but sadly the Bud Light cruise ship at the Super Bowl wasn’t affected.

In case you’re not sick of him already
Justin Bieber was arrested after police said he was drag racing in Miami while drunk and high, which is probably how everyone else in Miami drives in the first place. Bieber reportedly cried when he got arrested, and compared himself to Michael Jackson after posting bail. Between him and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, it’s nice to see that Canadians can be just as big asses as Americans. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2014 edition

You Missed It: Work in progress edition

Friday night hasn't even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.
Friday night hasn’t even happened in the U.S. yet. Trippy.

There were some big announcements from major companies this week. First, CVS announced that it will stop selling tobacco products later this year, then, Subway said it will stop making bread that has an ingredient in yoga mats. I don’t buy my cigars from CVS, so I don’t really care about that, but Subway’s announcement upsets me because I love the taste of a yoga mat. I can’t buy one myself because I’m a dude. But Subway’s flatbreads, which were even rolled up resemble a yoga mat, were my only outlet. If you were busy quitting The Tonight Show for the second time this week, odds are you missed it.

Russia is ready
In recent weeks, Winter Olympics host Russia has come under fire for not preparing Sochi for the games. Pictures have fired around the internet about bad water in hotels, incomplete construction everywhere, and friendly stray dogs roaming freely about the city. But Russia impressed the world today with the opening ceremony, which climaxed with all of the stray dogs being rounded up, brought into the arena and eaten, one by one, by a bear.

Permanent sealegs
This week, Salvadoran national Jose Alvarenga was discovered in the Marshall Islands after being adrift in the Pacific Ocean for 13 months. He ate fish and shark meat, and drank turtle blood. Friends have verified his story, and confirmed that he was once a trained guerrilla in El Salvador who was laying low after angering a drug cartel. Alvarenga said he is looking forward to getting back to doing ads for Dos Equis.

Yo, Joe!
The G.I. Joe doll (he’s not an action figure, those do things) turned 50 on Thursday. He’s seen action in every war sin Korea, fought against Cobra, and married Barbie countless times. Joe plans to retire once the VA gets around to processing his medical claims.