Fun Fact: FBI wiretapping costs more than beer

"Dear Craigslist ... Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed ... Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you."
“Dear Craigslist … Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed … Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you … Smiley face … Winking face.”

Apparently, it costs more than a couple of cases of beer to get the FBI to go through family members’ texts. At least, that’s what a judge in North Carolina learned after being charged with attempted bribery.

According to the FBI, Superior Court Judge Arnold Ogden Jones was charged with attempted bribery after allegedly offering an agent a couple of cases — y’know, like buddies — if the agent would ignore a lack of probable cause and obtain some text messages for “just for [him].” And who hasn’t asked their neighbor or coworker for that? Violating the U.S. Constitution is just one of those things good friends do, like loan a cup of sugar without habeas corpus or quarter some troops, no questions asked.

Of course, then things got weird because the agent reportedly turned down the beer(!) and asked for $100 instead. Jones should’ve known something was up, because nobody turns down free beer. I mean, cash is nice, but you can’t drink it and, believe us, it doesn’t get you high when you smoke it.

Petty theft is a helluva drug

In what appears to be our unintentionally continuing coverage of the Broward County court system, a young man who was already serving probation for multiple petty theft convictions has been arrested again, this time for stealing the nameplate from a judge’s courtroom door.

Police arrested Steven Mulhall after pictures of him with Broward Circuit Judge Michael Orlando’s courtroom nameplate were found on Facebook following a recent court appearance. He will now face felony charges for the burglary, valued at $40.

We hate to blame the victim here, but how can Broward County expect to rehabilitate a convicted thief if they insist on not fastening their property down with spot welding or crazy glue? If it can hold a construction worker by his helmet, it can change lives, man.

Just the outcome you’d expect

The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

This leaves Geronimo’s family one option: body raid at Yale!

Alabama is trying to have sex with me

The criminal justice system in Alabama has always been interesting — so interesting, in fact, that it got a Best Actress Academy Award for Marisa Tomei.

Today, the Good Ol’ Boy Network just took on an entirely new meaning.

Former Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas has been arrested, accused by a grand jury of “borrowing” male inmates and coercing them into sexual play like paddling and whipping. Court documents include references to inmates’ tales of paddlin’s and old fashioned sexu’l encounters in Thomas’ office.

Thomas’ attorney, Robert Clark, calls these charges a “high tech lynching,” an attempt by “right-wing Republicans” to get rid of “the only black circuit judge we’ve ever had in Mobile County.”

Our Position:
If either sides’ allegations prove true, then it’s time to let Alabama secede from the Union again and get swallowed up by Mexico. At least their judges only take cash bribes.

Masked burglar breaks into judge’s chambers

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.