Tag: Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park just got a whole lot more furrier and realer

Oh, and Russia-ier.

Russia’s always been just a bit more backwards than other countries. They say our catchphrases long after they’ve been played out, pop stars are still gigantic hits over there and they allow Dolph Lundgren to film movies in their country, long after his shelf-date expired.

Along with that, they apparently still let prehistoric animals be found as perfectly preserved specimens.

Quickly, can we get someone to use the cleansing power of fire onto it? Using my knowledge of movie science (which is just ever so slightly different than real science), theoretically, a woolly mammoth can be genetically recreated by taking the DNA and placing it in a mama elephant. And if the egg is in pristine condition.

THAT’S NOT GOOD IF MOVIE SCIENCE IS ACTUALLY CORRECT IN THIS CASE. I don’t know how many paintings of woolly mammoths that you’ve seen, but it’s always a whole lot of furry guys trying to take down just one … and that one is usually the sick one. And even then, the sick one’s got gnarly tusks. Now imagine a large herd of them trampling around the world. That’s not pretty.

Let’s not end up like Dennis Nedry. Kill the sample while we still can.

It’s worse than we thought

I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.

No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.

Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!

What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.

It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”

So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.

Time to make spears, everyone

We warned you about it over a year ago. It was announced yesterday that scientists have mapped the DNA of the woolly mammoth, better known as That Hairy Elephant We Killed Off a While Back.

This “groundbreaking” achievement was done under the guise of helping science learn what makes some species die off and some survive. Hey scientists, news flash, WE cause the extinction of animals, and we only save the ones that are cute and/or can’t be turned into clothing.

This blog knows better than to believe science–about anything. The real reason they wanted to map the DNA of the woolly mammoth is so that they can bring it back and set a herd of them up on an island in a theme park. (Say, someone should write a book about this.)

We don’t need any more animals to fight, especially ones we already defeated. Did the Romans clone Hannibal so they could sack Carthage again? NO!

And now, your sad news of the day

Here at SeriouslyGuys, we like to bring the funny. After all, it just feels remarkably great to have a smile on your face. I mean, who can’t chuckle at the wacky antics of New Zealand or the crazy hi-jinx of strippers? How could you not enjoy a story about lesbians earning the right to their name or that Sandra Day O’Connor is working on a video game?

Unfortunately, we must also report the sad news as well, not necessarily because we’re journalists (I can guarantee that I’m not), but because it is the respectful thing to do. Now is one of those times. Visual effects master and cinematic legend, Stan Winston, passed away yesterday. The genius behind the practical effects (think what’s not CGI) behind Jurassic Park, Alien, Predator, Pumpkinhead, Terminator 2, Edward Scissorhands and The Thing (a personal favorite of mine) had been suffering from multiple myeloma, essentially a cancer of the plasma cell, for seven years. His talent and knowledge of the craft will sorely missed.

You took my old idea–give it back!

CBS’s newest show, Swingtown, is no stranger to controversy. Before it even aired for the first time on this past Thursday evening, some people were calling for the heads of the producers due to events taking place in the show that they hadn’t even seen yet not happen! Shocking!

Well, the hits just continue to keep on coming. An angry Swingtown viewer wants to sue CBS, because he used to work at New York City’s sex palace Plato’s Retreat and he totally had an idea for a TV show about swingers, like … 20 years ago.

Personally, I can understand his plight. It’s just like that time I said that it would be cool if dinosaurs still existed and then Jurassic Park ripped me off! I mean, I had been saying that since I was at least 4, and what happens when I’m 9 years old? The movie comes out! That monster!