Jury duty is a hassle for most people, which is why jokes about how to get out of serving on jury are so popular. But if you try one of these schemes, make sure it doesn’t put you in jail.
In Texas, authorities say a 23-year-old man showed up for jury duty visibly drunk with a beer in hand. The man was seen on the courthouse steps in a stupor, drinking from a large cup. Deputies soon found the man was there for jury duty, and the cup in question had beer in it.
He was arrested and charged with public intoxication. And he probably got out of jury duty, too.
At this point, I’m almost certain that Colorado is the worst place to live. I know it’s big and diverse and beautiful and everything, but nature doesn’t want you there, and it’s not shy about it. Let’s just take a few examples from this year alone. First off, having snow storms in May is reason enough to move. Then you’ve got the wildfires that we heard about all summer long. Now, those areas are getting pounded by rain, and because there aren’t any trees, the runoff is causing flooding. That is clearly the wrath of an angry God. If you were busy serving on the same jury as Tom Hanks this week, odds are you missed it.
The drums of war skip a beat
This week, the Obama administration continued to make its case for military action in Syria, but said it was open to diplomatic solutions. When the Democrats want war and the Republicans don’t, and Russia seems like the most reasonable guy at the table, something’s wrong. On top of this, Ed Asner said celebrities aren’t expressing their anti-war views because they don’t want to seem “anti-black.” So that’s what it takes to shut them up.
Ice cubes count as water
First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled her newest campaign: getting kids to drink more water. While it’s probably aimed at just getting them not to drink as much soda, the “Drink Up” campaign also kind of sounds like the first lady wants to turn the nation’s youth into alcoholics as early as possible. Then again, if they’re hung over, kids are far more likely to drink lots of water.
Orangutans call ahead
According to a new study, male orangutans will often make loud calls at night in the direction they plan to travel the next morning. Scientists say it’s evidence that primates can plan far ahead, and let others know about their plans. It’s also evidence that male orangutans just want to get out for a little while and blow off some steam, but if they don’t check in, their wives are all, “Where have you been? You smell like that whore a couple trees down!” So I sez to her–ah never mind. Pour me another drink, Mac!
The furloughs for air traffic controllers began earlier this week, delaying flights on perfectly good days, I should know, because my flight yesterday was delayed. As I’m sitting there in the airport waiting over an hour for my flight to board, I read the headline on my phone that the House passed a bill to end the FAA furloughs. Great timing, jerks. If you were busy getting drafted into the NFL this week, odds are you missed it.
‘I’m the Archiver‘
All five living presidents gathered in Texas this week for the opening of George W. Bush’s presidential library. Each chief executive took a few moments to honor the opening of the building, as well as reflect on the importance of the younger Bush’s administration. One of the features of the library that was highlighted was the section on Weapons of Mass Destruction, which visitors are challenged to find.
Jury of (foreigner) peers
Jury duty is one of the worst things about being an American citizen, second only to draft eligibility and voting. But in California, immigrants might get in on the fun. The state legislature is considering a bill that would allow non-citizens who are in the U.S. legally to serve on juries. Great, more American jobs being taken foreigners.
This should get sampled in no time
This week, a wax audio recording of Alexander Graham Bell was found in the Smithsonian archives. Dating back to 1885, it is the only known recording of Bell’s voice. On the recording, the inventor of the telephone says, “Hear my voice, Alexander Graham Bell.” He then goes on to say, “9/11 was an inside job.”
Jons, a Michigan juror for a resisting arrest trial, decided that her mind was made up regarding the verdict. Unfortunately, the prosecution hadn’t quite finished its case yet. Double unfortunately, she decided to let her Facebook friends (and thereby, everyone on the internet) know exactly what her verdict was. That’s not what we call a smart decision.
The defense attorney subsequently let the judge know about this once the information was revealed. Jons was removed from the case and could potentially face some time in a jail cell (if the defense attorney has anything to say about it). While it’s probably increasingly difficult in this day and age to find an unbiased jury due to how plugged in everyone is, you’re kind of supposed to take the whole justice thing a bit seriously in the first place.