Tag: justice department

Who says the U.S. Senate can’t agree?

Ask any person what’s wrong with the country, and inevitably they’ll answer, “The Kardashians.” But, if you press harder and say, “Yeah, I know, but really?” Then they’ll say it’s our dysfunctional Congress.

And who can blame them? Almost every Senate vote of the past three years has been threatened with the filibuster, and even when a bill does pass, it only does so by a narrow margin on the basis of party lines. And seriously? Paper visual aids.

But, something amazing happened on the Senate floor Tuesday: not one, but two unanimous votes.

The first was to keep potatoes on public school lunch menus as part of an amendment to the 2012 agriculture spending bill. Co-sponsored by Senators Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Mark Udall (D-Colo.), the amendment prohibits the Agriculture Department from setting “any maximum limits on the serving of vegetables in school meal programs.”

And the other? A 99-0 vote to prevent the Justice Department from selling guns to Mexican drug cartels ever again, which means more for us, yay!

Animal Liberation Front has AIDS

While we’re not ones to hand out free tips to species traitors like the Animal Liberation Front, we can’t gloat without doing so.

So, if your plan is to intimidate an animal researcher, the last thing you want to do is mail him razor blades and claim they’re infected with AIDS.

1. He conducts medical research on animals. Which means he can easily test whether the razors actually carry the HIV virus by using it on the monkeys.

2. The medical research is for addictive drugs. You might as well mail him pocket mirrors and rolled up dollar bills for the cocaine wing, which is filled with a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters who have already developed scripts for 12 Two and a Half Men clones.