Do not distribute unlicensed scumbags

There are a lot of reasons to watch the Olympics: witnessing the pinnacel of human athletic achievement, the pagentry of the opening ceremony and the inexplicable judging by the French and Russians. But, there’s one reason that the IOC has tried to keep under wraps this entire time: sex-crazed top form athletes!

Ever since the Barcelona games in 1992, Olympics organizers have distributed free condoms throughout the Olympic village because, when that many sets of abs rub together, a lubricated piece of latex is the only thing preventing a brush fire. And, so far? It’s worked. Most of the athletes have been able to return every four years without flashing herpes sores at Bob Costas.

But, let the London Games organizers assure you: unlicensed prophylactic distribution will not be tolerated, especially of some freaky Australian brand that may or may not be made of kangaroo pouches.

Maybe the orange tip was the give-away?

What would you say are characteristics of a bad attempt at holding up a store? Being drunk during said hold-up? Using a toy gun to do the sticking of the ups? Covering your face with a clear plastic mask? Not analyzing your area before taking action?

If you answered yes to all of those, then you might be talking about Wilnelia Caraballo. Caraballo is being charged with armed robbery and experienced every single one of those characteristics:

“Police spokeswoman Yvonne Martinez said 19-year-old Wilnelia Caraballo walked into the Kangaroo Express at 2595 Emerson Drive about 5:51 a.m., wearing a clear plastic mask, holding a ‘Uzi-type gun’ and intoxicated.

“The store clerks were in the back of the store and saw Caraballo walk behind the front counter, police said.

“One of the clerks, who was stocking a cooler, yelled at the would-be robber saying, ‘Palm Bay police. Get on the ground!'”

In summary: Megatron is not a gun, he is simply a toy. Stop trying to hold up stores with Megatron or robots that want to be Megatron.

Most Australian story ever

On Sunday, a family from Victoria in Australia’s southeast was involved in a car crash, when the driver rolled a Nissan Pulsar trying to avoid a kangaroo. Had they been celebrating the United States’ birthday, that might not have been an issue. Because we have a severe lack of kangaroos, that is.

There were five people in the car, three children, their mother and her partner, and after the crash, the mother became trapped in the wreckage. Staying calm, one of the children, seven year-old Christopher grabbed his Nintendo DS, and with the screens acting as a light, as the crash occurred at 10 pm, was able to locate his mother’s mobile phone so she could call emergency services for assistance.

Christopher then helped one of his little brothers out of the crash before his mother was able to free herself. For his actions, he’s been nominated by the local ambulance service for a Community Hero Award. Which is nice. But yet again, had they been celebrating my nation’s birthday and been blowing up a chunk of their land instead, it wouldn’t be an issue. Still, they can make up for it by blowing up a kangaroo instead. Purely for the scientific purpose of revenge, after all.

Patriotism never tasted so good

If there’s one thing Australia takes seriously, it’s alcohol consumption food. There, things like Vegemite, and as we understand it, babies, are considered delicacies.

But Australia has limits, and brother, you can’t just go and make emu and kangaroo flavored chips (they don’t mean “fries” do they?) and sell them all willy-nilly. No sir.

Many are critical of the new chips because the two animals appear on the coat of arms of Australia and are iconic animals that shouldn’t be treated like that. Think of it as selling bald eagle flavored chips in America. Others complain that it sends the message that it’s OK to kill emus and kangaroos.

Well, isn’t it? Aside from having ridiculous names, they are animals, and that’s two reasons they should be hunted down. It’s either them or us.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Ugh!

Not to get too political, but we here at SG love our troops. We think the world of them; however they’re only fighting a war on one front. They should probably be happy about that, as they might be the only country to do so. Australia, though, they’re fighting a war on two fronts: the Taliban and the Dutch.

Oh yes, those brave Australian soldiers have been silently putting up with both the Taliban and the most vile villain of all: Dutch cuisine.

Australia recently rushed a crack skilled team of cooks to Afghanistan in order to create authentic “Aussie” food for the soldiers. Why? Because their mess hall had been previously run by a bunch of Dutch cooks. Honestly though, it can be understood. I mean, hete bliksem (boiled potatoes and green apples)? Boerenkoolstamppot (kale mixed with potatoes, gravy, mustard and rookworst)? I’m not saying that I’m an astounding cook, but I can barely pronounce the names of these dishes, much less create any desire to eat them.

Don’t worry though, Australia. Soon you shall be reunited with such delectable foods of your native land, such as fairy bread, chiko rolls and roasted kangaroo.