Kansas moves to ban bad dogs from running for governor

It’s nice to see some common-sense solutions being brought forward by our leaders for a change. Our friends in Kansas are our to make sure no animal tries to take over their government again.

Last week we told you about how Hutch the dog tried to run for governor, but was denied. (Bad dog, Hutch!) The Kansas House of Representatives just passed a bill restricting who can run for governor. If it becomes law, no animal would be able to run for governor ever again.

Of course, the bill would also block minors from running for governor, too. But when have people under the age of 18 ever sought to make their community a better place?

Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

It’s not a celebration until you level your house

Ever wonder what people do when they win the lottery? Turns out they do exactly what you think they will — plus blow up their house.

In Kansas, two brothers won $75,000 from the lottery and decided to celebrate by buying some crystal meth and marijuana. Apparently, during their party session, one of the brothers went to refill a butane lighter for their bongs and ended up leaking a significant amount of it into the air. All that gas found its way to the furnace pilot light, and suddenly, the lucky brothers didn’t have that pesky house to worry about anymore.

The one brother was taken to the hospital, wearing his lottery T-shirt, and treated for burns, while the other was uninjured and simply surrendered to authorities.

Meanwhile, your tuition went up

Most universities in the U.S. are storied institutions with a legacy of shaping young minds to create the world we know today. And if there’s one thing that could destroy their reputations, it’s using their name for a porn site.

Schools like the University of Kansas are buying up .xxx domains before pornographers can create rockchalkjayhawk.xxx and jayhawks.xxx. This is a security concern because people interested in UK could accidentally type in the universally-agreed upon porn abbreviation instead of .edu — and wind up at tits instead. They also bought kansas.xxx, because they want to keep the address porn-free, which will save the owners of

  • kansas.com: The Wichita Eagle, a newspaper
  • kansas.gov: The Official Web site of the State of Kansas
  • kansas.net: Based on the quality of their page, some ’90s-era Internet provider

from having to buy it themselves. (The University of Missouri did the same thing with missouri.xxx, proving that neither state has anything going for it but college basketball.) Unfortunately, nobody bothered to buy .org or .biz, so smut peddlers, get on it!

No apologies were made in the writing of this post

If there’s one thing people love, it’s an apology. The more public or documented, the more it shows how humbled the offender truly was provides satisfaction for the aggrieved. Of course, they don’t always go as planned.

Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback was forced to brownbackpedal after his office contacted the high school of a teenage girl who does not like him. The 18-year-old Emma Sullivan tweeted that Gov. Brownback “sucked” during a class trip, to which the his staff objected, claiming the governor is not even her father.

The West Yorkshiretonville police have released the apology letter of a convicted British burglar that he was forced to write by his young offenders’ program. And, he gave the sincerest forced apology he could muster: by apologizing for how stupid his victim was to have left their downstairs window open at night. While it was released to the public and run in newspapers around the world, the letter was not delivered to the victim to spare their feeli — whoops.

Them’s legislation words is fightin’ words!

Let’s start with the facts of this story first.

The mayor and city council of Topeka, the capital of Kansas, voted this week to repeal the city’s ordinance on domestic violence. This has caused victims of domestic violence and domestic violence victim advocates to become both scared and in anger. It’s being said that the intent of the move is:

to force the county’s district attorney to back away from a budget-driven decision to stop prosecuting misdemeanors committed inside the city limits — including domestic assault and battery not involving a weapon.

It’s being said by the heads of the city that they can’t afford to create services for victims and rent space for suspects. And now, the choice quotes from the article to show why maybe some forethought should’ve gone into writing it (like this post’s title):

Advocates for victims of abuse slammed all sides of the debate.

“It’s a slam in our face,” Claudine Dombrowski, an abuse survivor from Topeka, told the council.

And the coup de gras:

“Just the fact that it was on our agenda gave us a black eye,” said City Councilwoman Denise Everhart, one of the three votes against repealing the ordinance.

Maybe some quotes need to be reworded? Just maybe?

At least it’s not made in NEW YORK CITY!

The salsa served at some of the restaurants in Kansas apparently packed too much of a punch, not from spicy jalapeños, but because it was laced with pesticide. Yum! We can only assume that’s a family recipe.

A married couple who worked at two different branches of Mi Ranchito restaurant, near Kansas City, was arrested after poisoning the salsa there. The husband, who confessed he was trying to get revenge for losing his job (loss of job, potential fatality, that’s a very fair and equal trade-off, I’d say), faces a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison with a fine of up to $250,00. His wife, the one who actually slipped in the poison, has already been sentenced to 87 months in jail, with a penalty of $478,000 in restitution.

While it might be small comfort for the 36 patrons, suffering anything from cramps and nausea on up to symptoms so severe they had to be taken to hospital, at least they didn’t get the fish. When in doubt, always get the chicken instead of the fish.

Just call him MacHandicap

A lot of people say that our society that isn’t as intelligent as we were in past times. That’s an understandable statement. The constant use of abbreviations and acronyms, combined with a drastic drop in our collective ability to spell correctly, speaks volumes. Mind you, that’s not even including the fact that, with every generation, things get easier because we invent a new tool or process that can simplify a previously difficult task. Who needs to know how to fight off a bear when we can shoot them in their dumb bear nose from afar?

Ezekiel Rubottom is not one of those people. For that matter, he would like to give a big F and a big U to the naysayers.

Rubottom lost his leg to a bone disease and has worn a prosthetic for some time now; however, prosthetic legs aren’t made for an extended life. The man has decided that he doesn’t want to have to go through the rigmarole of government hassle and instead has decided to build his own prosthetic. And from the sounds of it, he’s got a good shot at doing so.

Hey, United States government, here’s a freebie from SG: If he’s able to build his own prosthetic leg, you’ll definitely want to keep him on the side of angels rather than the distinguished competition.

So many disappointed kids, so little time

Colin Goodwin drove a company Impala, but had to turn it in. Wouldn’t you know it though, the car was vandalized right before he could do so! The company’s response? Turn it into an ice cream mobile. Oh, and give it back to Goodwin.

As such, the man is now responsible for company morale, doling out frozen treats to his employees from the back seat. Oh, but not all is wonderful in his world. The constant playing of “It’s a Small World After All” grates more and more on the man.

“I pretty much just listen to news radio as loud as I can inside the car because I’m so tired of ‘It’s A Small World After All,'” Goodwin said.

This can result in only one of two situations: the constant playing of the tune drives Goodwin mad, eventually sending him onto a child slaying tear OR an ice cream mobile that never stops for them constantly disappoints legions of children. Either way, I’m okay with the outcome.

Suspected llama causes accident probably on purpose

We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.

One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.

That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:

Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.

That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.

The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.