Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
I don’t think Billy Bush deserves to lose his job. At my first job as a reporter, I was assigned to do a profile on one of the candidates running for county sheriff. I got this guy because I was the lowest ranking reporter, and everyone knew he was nuts. The guy had a hairtrigger temper, and a persecution complex to go with it. During the interview, he railed about how this company or that person were against him, he spewed conspiracy theories, he even said if elected, he would throw the current sheriff and county judge in jail. I didn’t challenge him, I didn’t dig any deeper into his ramblings. I tried to remain agreeable to keep in talking. I wrote down what little of a coherent platform he had and got the interview over with as fast as I could. A few years later, he murdered his neighbor over some ongoing property line dispute. Billy Bush seems like a rich-guy douche bro who probably really believes what he and Donald Trump said, but I can’t prove it. All I know is sometimes you have to interview someone with the crazy eyes and in that moment, you have to roll with it. If you were busy winning the Nobel Literature Prize this week, odds are you missed it.
Ken Bone makes a boner
This week, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump yelled at each other on live TV for the second of three times. During the town hall-style debate, Ken Bone, a red sweater-clad voter who has somehow not made up his mind, used his opportunity to ask something of substance to the two people vying to be leader of the free world to instead toss a feel-good softball. Bone became an instant celebrity. He used his fame to endorse Uber, and did a Reddit AMA. The formerly anonymous Bone forgot to delete questionable Reddit comments, like his thoughts on certain porn stars and the murder of Trayvon Martin, before hand. As we have seen with Pepe the Frog and Chewbacca Mom, never become internet famous.
Last Trump releases diss track
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saw GOP leaders withdraw their support for the horse they backed, with many calling for donors to instead put their dollars toward close congressional races. Trump fired back that he didn’t need the support of Republican leadership, and is ranting any time he gets a microphone. This is like when Ice Cube left N.W.A., or when Zayn Malik left One Direction.
Obama enjoys not being in politics anymore
President Barack Obama penned an op-ed about how the NASA and the private sector will partner to send astronauts to Mars in the 2030s. In the same week, he lifted the $100 limit on bringing cigars and rum from Cuba. Someone’s getting excited for their retirement.