Booze the vote

Today, you can do many things with your vote. As an informed, 18 year old or older, voting citizen, you have more power in your hand than you know. There is so very much you can do with your vote.

But if you’re in South Carolina or Kentucky, what you can’t do is vote and drink.

Do you live in either state? Are you thinking of visiting either state sometime today? We hope you got that booze yesterday. Both states have outlawed the selling (but not necessarily the consumption) of alcohol on Election Day, whether by restaurant or liquor stores.

Meanwhile, DISCUS, the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States (which I much prefer over calling them DISCUS), isn’t too keen on such laws. We feel the same way. Nothing eases voting in the losing guy or celebrating the right vote like a shot of the spirits.

Graphic image ads being run by congressional candidate, include picture of his face

If the sensational television series Justified has taught us anything, it’s that Kentucky runs a little bit more differently than everyone else.

Apparently their political ads are no different.

An independent candidate running for Congress, Andrew Beacham, is running ads depicting pictures of dismembered fetuses and the bodies of dead people, condemning President Obama while promoting his own electoral run. Beacham claims that the main focus of the ads isn’t primarily to elect him, but to shock viewers into voting and ending Obama’s run as president. Despite this cunning plan, people seem to be more upset about the images in the ad.

Personally, I’d think the cowboy-hippy mystique that Beacham’s own mug brings about, as seen in the ads, might be more shocking than anything else.

Welcome to the plummet of our nation

Maybe we’re not so great. Okay, the Guys are, but some states in the US may not quite be so. The latest contenders?

  • Kentucky: Where teenagers are intelligent enough to think that taking a photo of yourself stealing gas from a cop car and then posting said photo on Facebook completely nullifies the crime. SPOILERS: It doesn’t.

Go ahead and make your choice. We’ll be sitting here in the corner simpering for the future.

It’s OK, they can’t read this

Eight Amish men, who didn’t think things through before going all religiousy, have been sent to jail in Kentucky for failing to put an orange reflective warning sign on the back of their horse-drawn buggies. The men failed to comply with the road safety law and refused to pay their fines, saying to even do that would violate their prohibition against bright colors or man-made symbols.

For sticking to their faith, they have been rewarded by their God with brightly-colored jumpsuits, cable television, free internet and phone calls and butt sex.

:: slow clap ::

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

New record in nomination remorse set!

It took less than 24 hours for Rand Paul to throw away his party’s lock on one of Kentucky’s U.S. Senate seats.

In two separate interviews on NPR and “The Rachel Maddow Show” on Wednesday, the just elected Republican candidate for Senate questioned parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act that forced privately-owned businesses to not be so openly racist.

(Examples of private businesses include taxis, power companies, gas stations, hospitals, banks and grocery stores. Just in case you’re confused.)

Mr. Paul clarified the remarks with a statement on Thursday, stating that he would not try to overturn the act. In addition, the National Republican Senatorial Committee tried to “help” by issuing a reminder in their statement that Southern Democrats opposed the bill back in 1964 … like Rand Paul? Is that what they’re saying?

We don’t often give advice to political candidates, so listen close:

SG Political Axiom #2
When someone asks if you–as an unelected candidate–support racial segregation, you’ve had 46 years to practice your answer: “No.” Don’t clarify. Don’t say it’s OK or unenforceable in certain situations. Don’t even say, “I’m opposed to segregation,” because that’s too many words. Just say, “No.”

Child porn is not like bubble gun for a class

A Kentucky man was arrested for allegedly convincing an 11-year-old Houston girl to send him naked photos using his PlayStation 3 console.



Anthony Scott Oshea of Somerset, Kentucky, was taken into custody by local authorities, charged with with three felony counts, including promotion of child pornography and online solicitation of a minor, after allegedly receiving naked photos of the young girl and then e-mailing them to people in at least five states, all through the PS3. Harris County Texas prosecutor Eric Devlin claims that Oshea “groomed” the girl over a period of time, befriending her and bothering her for photos until she finally relented. Houston authorities are hoping to bring Oshea to Texas to stand trial.

Pedophiles are not very clever, in case you haven’t noticed.

It’s not like they’ve got anything better to do

NFL superstar and millionaire Chad Johnson, also known to go by the alias “Ocho Cinco,” is a fairly unique man, being one who apparently really knows how to shop for his loved ones. He was recently spotted on this past Friday taking part in the retail festivities known as Black Friday. His main purchase? A complete band set of Rock Band 2. Not one to miss out on a deal, Johnson said the game as well as a stereo and Cuisinart four-slice toaster were for his coach.

Sure they were, Chad. Sure they were.

History repeats itself (yet again [again])

Hey Kentucky SG-ites, it’s time to meet your Senate candidates!

Up first: former tough guy actor Sonny Landham, who is running for Senate in Kentucky, had a burgeoning career in hardcore porn movies, but had that cut short with bit parts in several 1980s movies like Poltergeist, 48 Hours and Predator. He’s not ashamed to admit it either, because that would still make him only the third weirdest member of the Predator cast to be elected governor of a U.S. state.

The Guys are pretty sure he’s talking about his early “blue film” filmography, but, hey, I wouldn’t exactly be proud of being in 48 Hours either.

Office of Boob Investigations under siege

The few, the proud, the DoTWe’ve long been proponents of the Second Amendment on this site, whether you plan on using your arms on animals or the government itself. (Our FBI profile just went up a notch with that sentence.)

We’ve wondered when the government would overstep its boundaries and attack the very institutions we hold dear. The police of Louisville, Kentucky have arrested one of our duly-appointed Official Boob Inspectors, which is the policing body of the Department of Titillation. They’ve trumped up a charge of “impersonating an officer” and will probably hold him indefinitely.

By taking away our means and standards of evaluating breasts, the government has rendered us defenseless against imposter mammories of dubious quality. It’s only a matter of time before the Internet is full of saggy man-tits and we settle for third or even fourth inverted nipples.

This blog is not suggesting that the good citizens of Louisville demand this brave inspector’s release through rioting and violence. That would be irresponsible. We just ask that they think of the porn and how this government interference will affect all of us.