Tag: kevin costner

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Eat My Sports: Popcorn links all

As you’ve seen by now, Bryan Schools is taking a much needed marriage-based vacation (we currently believe he’s desecrating Rome as you read this very sentence). That’s why we’re all taking turns at his column.

Wait, hold up, come back. I know that being the movie guy on this site, I might not be the first guy you think of to write about sports. “He writes about movies! His news posts involve video games and cooking and aliens spore pods and Angelina Jolie’s hiney!”

Heh. You just said hiney.

And yet. If I must validate myself, my credentials include this: 4 years of high school football (one year in which my team went undefeated and won a state championship), 4 years of high school basketball, around 2 decades of being a consistent season ticket attendee of UVa football games (vainglorious in defeat!) and a better ability to discuss both the management and player sides of the NFL, NBA and NCAA than most meatheads. There, I have now swung my manly e-penis.

But you know what? All of that doesn’t really matter to me that much, and it shouldn’t matter to you all that much either. Why? Because we’re going to talk about movies. You see, movies permeate our existence-that is fact. It’s debatable whether books or movies give us a deeper look at the inner thoughts of a person, but seeing as how I’m a visual type of guy, I think you can figure out my choice. So yes, movies, are awesome-especially sports movies. Even if you’ve never been a member of a sports team, sports movies allow us to get a glimpse at how those things work. Can we be “the I in team” and still win, or do we need to function as one cohesive unit? Is it easy being a star athlete or are they as foible as you and I?

That’s why we’re going to take a quick glimpse at the 5 Best Sports Movies. Hit the jump to see them. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Popcorn links all

Who (other than Kevin Costner) saw this coming?

Somali pirates have seized The Sirius Star, a reportedly fully-loaded oil tanker that can carry 2 million barrels of crude and is three times larger than a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier. (This is not to be confused with The Siriusly Star, which is a rowboat full of 2 million Arby’s coupons.)

Along with the 300,000 ton vessel, they are also holding the MV Faina, an Ukranian arms ship that contains T-72 Russian tanks.

So, heavily armed pirates have a giant, full oil tanker and loads of weapons requiring said oil. Meanwhile, global warming is melting our polar caps and, if left unchecked, could flood the world.

Of all the two post-apocalyptic sci-fi-y Kevin Costner flicks, why did Waterworld have to be the prophetic one? At least The Postman promised continued mail delivery.