Lifestyles of the Rich & Vodka Drunkenski

Ahoy! It be the same situation that we’ve all heard ere: a chat show be televised. Russian billionaires be asked to be on the show. Eurasian Mooooooonspeak is uttered and five -ski’s later, three sounds are heard:

  • The first sound be a swing across the face
  • The second sound be another swing across the face
  • The third sound be the victim tumbling o’er the stage

If you be familiar with the situation, it’s probably because you’re Alexander Lebedev, former KGB agent turned Russian billionaire turned professor of the sweet science. Or, you’re Sergei Polonsky, former property developer turned punch victim. Or, you be simply a person that be leading an incredibly odd life that we be fixing to document.

Uncle Joe still killing followers

The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.

Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.

Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.

And cue the Downfall parody in 3, 2, 1 …

Scientists have discovered that the real owner of the famed Fuhrer’s skull is actually female, making everyone ask:

Wait for it.

Keep waiting.

DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM! What really happened to Hitler?

DNA analysis on the skull fragment thought to belong to one Adolf Hitler performed at the University of Connecticut has proven that it came from a female aged anywhere between 20 and 40 years of age, despite being found in what was believed to be Hitler’s grave.

What was previously believed to be Hitler’s corpse was cremated by the KGB in 1970, meaning that there’s no real way of verifying whether this skull fragment was simply misidentified or whether the corpse, in fact, didn’t belong to Hitler in the first place. But with the skull fragmented and thus discredited, let the conspiracy theorists run wild!

Conspiracy theory number 1: Hitler was actually Girl Hitler.