Don’t have kids, or associate with people who do. They will unknowingly rat you out every time.
Police in Florida stopped a car with three adults and an 11-month-old boy. They found that one of the passengers was a recently released inmate, and asked everyone to step out of the car. They asked the woman riding shotgun, Candyce Harden, to take the boy out of the car, so that they could search the vehicle for narcotics. The cops didn’t find anything, and they were just about to finish up when the boy reached into Harden’s shirt and pulled out a bag of cocaine like he was pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
As you might imagine, things didn’t go so well after that. And it was all because of a kid.
Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.
Because keeping them home can cause kids to fall behind in schoolwork and social networking with peers, inducing further stress and exacerbating psychosomatic stomach pain, doctors now suggest the “suck it up” method: basically, kicking them out of the house with their lunch and suggesting they come back when they have our hangovers.
(This particular Guy’s father was ahead of his time and convinced 10-year-old me that I just had morning sickness and would feel fine by noon. This worked until the day I threw up at school and told the nurse that I would be fine “because it was just my morning sickness acting up.”)
But, if your child’s stomach aches persist — and doctors have ruled out a medical condition — just explain to them that if they don’t get their s**t together, they’ll develop an ulcer and die in their cubicle, alone, at work. That should calm ’em down.
Kids. Teenagers. Adolescents. None of them had it as rough as we did when we were their age.
Oh sure, they may think the opposite. “Keep it coming, old man. You’re full of baloney. No, malarkey.” (This begs the question of just how annoying youngster hipsters have become if they’re using ages-old phrases, but I digress.) But it’s true! They don’t!
If you’re like me, you’re a handsome, well-read critic of all media. And, you watch How I Met Your Mother.
If you’re not like me, then here’s the basic premise: a guy in the year 2030 explains to his two teenage children the long ass story about how he met their mother. It’s been on since 2005, and he still hasn’t gotten to the part where he–oh, I don’t know–meets their f@%king mother.
Instead, the story he tells them has covered his failed career as an architect, his friends and their families, doppelgangers and the assorted women he’s slept with who aren’t their mother (more on that later).
This past season has included some kind of heavy s#&t, including the death of Marshall’s dad and Barney meeting his dad. Also, Lily’s dad may or may not be in prison. There’s only one other character, Robin, and I’m guessing she’s going to abort a baby or something to get her dad’s attention.
For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.
No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?
We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”
Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.
But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.
As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.
According to a Harvard study, more than 40 percent of parents wait until it’s too late to have “The Talk” with their kids. Two-thirds of sons reported having sex before discussing proper condom use with their parents, which means that few bananas have been wasted with spermicide and a lot of elbows were very protected. One-fourth of polled daughters never learned about saying no, which is good for teenage boys and high school teachers, but bad for at least appearances’ sake.
The scary part? The study consisted of a survey of only 141 parents, who were enrolled in a program called “Talking Parents,” which was meant to help them discuss birds and bees and why we don’t have sex with them, but each other. Yet, they still waited until it was too late.
Coupled with the past eight years of abstinence-only sex education, it’s amazing that Photoshop hasn’t added a “Herpes Wand” tool for school picture touch-ups.
So now, the recommended age to begin talking to your children about sex is always. When your toddler notices things in the bathtub, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do. When they’re watching The Piano for their fourth grade movie review, explain what a Harvey Keitel is to them. And when they’re going to their first dance, make sure they know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance.”
This is a full-out pop culture assault. If they’re not gonna read a book vampire book with sex, then you’ve got to step up.
For at least 10,000 years, people have been punished for sex with children.
People have been punished for having sex with children.
Children are a punishment for sex. There we go. (Unless you have sex with prepubescent children.) And hello to all of our new readers from the FBI!
Children whine, scream and cry; they bite, hit and kick; they interrupt your favorite TV shows, force you to leave movie theaters and open your toys, ruining their in-box value. And despite all of that, you can’t hit them.