Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Kim Jong-il ‘Chuck-norrised’ Chuck Norris

Some of our political leaders have taken some heat for their fetishistic worship of the Founding Fathers, casting them as perfect men who planned the entire future of a nation that had never existed before.

While that’s goofy, it could be worse. And by that, we mean Kim Jong-il worse.

An article in The Telegraph reports a list of various myths that have been ascribed by North Korean propaganda to the littlest tyrant. Our personal favorite?

“The first time he picked up a golf club, in 1994, Kim reportedly shot a 38-under par round on North Korea’s only golf course, including 11 holes-in-one. He then decided to retire from the sport for ever.”

We heard that the orgasms he gives to supermodels are so traumatizing that they are left with no memory of the encounter and will deny ever meeting him. He’d be concerned if he weren’t so busy suing J.K. Rowling for plagiarizing his autobiography to create Harry Potter.

Your crackpot theory invalidates mine

It turns out that the United States isn’t the only nation that hates 2012. The film is also on North Korea’s “To Don’t” list.

Kim Jong-il, who complies the list for the glorious benefit of all his human shields, has cracked down on anyone smuggling or receiving copies of the penultimate disaster porn flick.

Is it because the film is an unwatchable wreck, a cheap tug on the heartstrings followed by stunning visuals, a heartrending reminder of how John Cusack used to make good movies?

No, it’s because the year 2012 is the centennial celebration of the not-so-immortal leader, Kim Sung-il. That is the point that North Korea is supposed to “open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower.”

So, if anything’s gonna destroy the world, it’s gonna be North Korean ascendancy, not some stupid Mayans.

You Missed It: Introspective Monologue edition

Hey, guess what? I’m about to head out for week-long vacation. It’s so close I can taste it. You know how that is, right? I’m just counting the minutes until I’m out of here.

Sound familiar? That’s probably because it’s true yet again. Like Bryan McBournie from last week, I’ll be off next week. But let’s be honest, that’s neither here nor there. If you were feeling absolutely dejected because you couldn’t tweet that Facebook was down, odds are you missed it.

It was a sad day for film fans, but a golden age for boom-box salesmen
Legendary director John Hughes has passed away. The man behind many classic movies of the 80’s, like National Lampoon’s Vacation, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Hughes seemingly dropped off the radar during the the following decades. No hyperbole intended, but the man truly shaped the sensibilities, style, humor, and outlook of an entire generation of Americans. While it’s regretful that the style of many of those Americans involved jean jackets and legwarmers, what’s even more regretful is that we’re still stuck with people like Brett Ratner.

Superman. The Sentry. Supreme. Marvelman. William Jefferson Clinton.
Yes, the same former President Clinton that, during his time in office, was brought up in an impeachment trial, negotiated with North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Ill in North Korea for the release of two American journalists that were held in the country for 5 months. Clinton came back to the United States with two journalists in tow, and has become the latest modern day superhero. While we don’t exactly know what was said during the negotiations, we do know one thing: he did not have sexual relations with that country’s leader.

What, you really thought we were done with the virus?
Beef Packers Inc. has recalled approximately 826, 000 pounds of ground beef products due to a possible outbreak of salmonella in said products. The theory being posited is that recent outbreaks among 11 states can be linked to the same company, though whether the fault lies with the packing company or the distribution company remains to be seen. Seeing as how salmonella has now made its way through a minimum of 75% of the food that I put into my body on a regular basis, it’s a miracle that I’m still alive.

Bill Clinton: The DP in your RK

"Tell me where you're misunderstood."Some news companies (that begin with an “F” and end with an “X”) have suggested that Bill Clinton freed the two American journalist captives by rewarding Kim Jong Il, that his presence gave North Korea “status and bragging rights.”

Other news companies (that begin with an “A” and end with a “P”) suggest otherwise: he nagged them to capitulation.

Bill Clinton: International Man of Intrigue

Former White House cigar-aficionado, Bill Clinton, arrived in Pyongyang, North Korea on Tuesday to negotiate the release of two American journalists with Kim Jong Il.

The two held “an exhaustive conversation,” which–considering it was with Kim–probably included the following:

  • Hot Broadway actresses.
  • What’s Madeline Albright been up to lately; she was so nice and funny.
  • Christian’s champion status in ECW and whether he should get back together with Edge, followed by a six-second pose.
  • Where to get the best grass soup in Pyongyang.

At this rate, the two journalists should be freed once Kim and Clinton finish their massages and previewing the littlest tyrant’s drawings of his “missile program.”

Obama lays out latest North Korea campaign

The United States Dungeon Master in Chief — and some would argue DM of the Free World — Barack Obama has laid out the latest table in the North Korea D&D game.

While Kim Jong Il might take the Road to War, where U.S. and South Korean special forces lie in wait to give him super painful wedgies, there are other options.

With a critical role, he could bypass the River of Annoyance and renegotiate food supplies from China.

Or, as DM Obama pushes, “There is another path available to North Korea, a path that leads to peace and economic opportunity for North Korea.”

Frustrated at recent events, Obama reinstated that North Korea is out of magic missiles and should stop trying to cast them into the ocean for loot.

You Missed It: There goes your fantasy team edition

It seems like a lot of Fridays are all about people running away. Mostly, it’s because people are running away to go enjoy the weekend. They don’t care about you or your stupid economy. But we’re always here for you, except when were on vacation. If you were too busy answering questions for Charles Gibson this week, odds are you missed it.

Guess it’s back to knocking up models until next September
On Sunday, in quarter 1 of week 1 of the NFL season, legendary New England quarterback Tom Brady injured his knee against the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, the NFL lost its reigning MVP only a few minutes after his season had started. Wait a minute, this wasn’t supposed to happen! Brady wasn’t on the cover of Madden NFL 09.

The illest of all the dictators
We said it a week ago: if you talk smack about a world leader on your blog, they will read it and take it to heart. Less than a week after we said Kim Jong Il “sucks,” the dictator of the People’s Glorious Worker’s Paradise in the Republic of the Magnificent North Korea was noticeably absent from the country’s 60th anniversary celebration. This is kind of like not showing up to your own party. It has been reported that Kim may have had brain surgery after a recent stroke which was brought on by a deadly capitalist blood clot.

No ‘hike’ until after Ike
Hurricane Ike, currently a Category 2 storm, is on its (his?) way to Texas, after pummeling the Caribbean earlier this week. Galveston, Texas and parts of Houston have been evacuated, as Ike is expected to strengthen before making landfall tonight. The NFL has even postponed the Baltimore Ravens-Houston Texans game until Monday. This means that Ike is easily the worst storm named after a president since–wait, no. This one’s just not working for me. Moving right along ….

Kanye West doesn’t like photographers
And finally, rapper Kanye West made headlines this week, not for his music or his mouth. No, this time actions spoke louder than words. West had landed at LAX airport in Los Angeles only a few minutes before, and the paparazzi was there to greet him. Unfortunately, West did not appear to like it. A video appears to show him attacking two photographers, ripping their cameras out of their hands and smashing them. West was arrested on suspicion of vandalism. West’s spokesman said the flash went through the rapper’s lensless sunglasses, which aggrivated him very much.

Another immortal leader down?

Kim Jong Il may be, well, ill.

Fans of giant communist musical extravanganzas were left bewildered by his conspicuous absence at the 60th anniversary of North Korea Jubilee.* If there’s anything this guy loves, it’s a parade, yet where was he?

Was he:

  • Trying on new pairs of ladies’ glasses?
  • Adding an inch to his platform shoes?
  • Getting upset at his “stupid hair that won’t do anything right!?”
  • Writing yet another unseen play about this ordinary guy that everyone kisses up to, but never gets to know, because he’s the immortal leader of the People’s Democratic Republic of Rokea?
  • Dying of heart disease and/or diabetes?
  • Watching Lost on the Scifi Channel because they’re actually starting with Season 1? (He didn’t want to start watching so late into the series.)
  • Trying to get rid of a jumbo zit without leaving a scar?

All we know is that it was tough enough replacing one immortal leader, but where are we gonna find a third immortal that won’t die?

*Jubilant enthusiam is mandatory.