Real despots have curves

"We're doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?"
“We’re doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?”

Say what you will about the current state of U.S. politics (while you still can, anyway), but at least we aren’t North Korea or China.  Chinese web sites blocked searches for “Kim Fatty the Third,” a running joke about current North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s expanding waistline as well as those of his father and grandfather in a mostly starving nation.

The Chinese government denies having any role in the decision to censor web search results. But, their Foreign Ministry seems to support it, saying, that

‘The Chinese government stays committed to building a healthy and civilized environment of opinions. We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks.’

So, while China firmly disagrees with North Korea’s nuclear weapons development and missile testing (which has also fueled the “Kim Fat Fat Fat” movement — the still-allowed nickname), it’s adopted a hard stance against fat-shaming. Especially since Kim is probably the biggest purchaser of Chinese delivery in the world.

Pyongyang is getting blacked out this weekend

If you happen to be in Pyongyang, North Korea right now–in which case, you’re not able to access this site anyway–stop what you’re doing and go buy some beer.

Recently, booze enthusiast and dictator Kim Jong-un held a beer festival in the North Korean capital. The problem is that the organizers overestimated how much Kim’s friends would drink during the event and ended up with a surplus. So the rest is being sold at half price while supplies last.

This is great news, because while North Koreans are starving, they can now afford some liquid bread.

You Missed It: Free as a bird edition

"We liberated this bird sanctuary from the evil federal government."
“We liberated this bird sanctuary from the evil federal government.”

I’m pretty sure I’m just watching The Walking Dead so I know what the hell people are talking about. I know it’s one of the biggest shows right now, but it’s felt tedious for about half of its existence. It takes place in a world where only whiny or awful people are able to escape the zombie apocalypse. The group we follow keeps running into bad dudes at the beginning of each season, so they kill them off and torch their homes in every season finale. Each time, the heroes get harder to root for. The show isn’t working toward anything. It’s just there to keep moving, which it is happy to tell us in the speeches its characters make 30 times an episode. If you were busy avoiding spoilers this week, odds are you missed it.

Oppressive government fails to convict those it oppresses
Remember that group of white guys that took over a federal wildlife refuge for no clear reason and even fewer supplies? You know, the ones who were so oppressed by the federal government that they took their rifles and played soldier on federal land for a few weeks? Seven members of Y’all Qaeda, including the Bundy brothers, were acquitted on federal conspiracy and firearms charges. Any moment now, Donald Trump is going to brag about the seven votes he just got.

North Korean flag not red, just wine-stained
This week it was reported that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has quite a taste for alcohol. A Japanese sushi chef who recently visited Kim said he is drinking and eating as much as ever. He even boasted of drinking 10 bottles of red wine at one meal. Many question whether Kim suffers from alcoholism, but the real issue here is who drinks red wine with sushi?

Jesus’ tomb to be opened
Researchers in Jerusalem are excavating part of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, what is believed to be the tomb of Jesus. They hope to open the tomb and make it available for tourists one day. But if you read the book, you already know Jesus isn’t in there.

Best Korea releases best anti-smoking ad

This is why the Harry Potter stories weren't originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.
This is why the Harry Potter stories weren’t originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.

It’s fun watching a totalitarian regime that depends on controlling information in an unprecedented age of information sharing. Recently, we saw North Korea accidentally release an undoctored photo of dictator, Kim Jong Un. Like a soapy dog out of a bathtub, once it got out, there was no pulling it back in.

So, now the North Korean government decided to launch an anti-smoking campaign — because, holy crap, do people smoke a lot there — the last thing it needs is for the face of its regime to be photographed with a Camel hanging out of his yap. And, of course, that’s what happened.

We’re pretty sure Best Korea’s anti-smoking campaign will go about as well as an anti-polo shirt campaign at a frat house — after all, people who live in repressive regimes could use a cigarette if they can’t get a meal. But, they’ve definitely made smoking uncool for the rest of the world.

Best Korean leader also best feminist

Breaking the Internet harder than Sony's private email servers. #nofilter
Breaking the Internet harder than Sony’s private email servers. #nofilter

Feminism is good for both men and women alike — up until today, British businessmen’s power strides into meetings were slowed down by receptionists hobbling in front of them on high heels — so you’d think it would be equally embraced by both genders. But, no, men are mostly either indifferent to or hostilely against feminism, and The Guys think it might be because too many feminist leaders are women.

Well, no more. In the proud tradition of courageous eights through tens, Supreme Leader of Best Korea Kim Jung Un just released an official portrait sans Photoshop. Finally, we know what a true feminist leader looks like: bold, sassy, porous and, most importantly, male.

North Korea totally invented a hangover-free liquor, you guys

We have long awaited this day. Every boozer that has ever lived has dreamed of seeing it happen. The Guys want to salute North Korea for inventing a liquor that doesn’t give you a hangover.

Sure, North Korea may have lied about successfully testing a hydrogen bomb recently. And we’re still waiting on proof that they invented a single drug that cures AIDS, Ebola, MERS and SARS, but it seems like we should trust them on this one. According to state-controlled media reports, a ginseng-based liquor has been made with scorched, glutinous rice instead of sugar, which is supposed to eliminate hangovers. The drink was called by North Korea media as “suave,” which should go to show that someone needs to pay their English translators better.

Hopefully Kim Jong-Un will send us a case for our review, until then, we’ll have to take his word for it.

Take it from Snee: Best Korea beats America

From the makers of that Tae Kwon Do class you took in the seventh grade ...
From the makers of that Tae Kwon Do class you took in the seventh grade …

I’ve made it clear that, while I hate going anywhere that doesn’t have a liquor licence, the worst place without a liquor licence is any movie theater. And for a close second, movie theaters with liquor licences because, if I’m going to pay $30 to see a movie two weeks before it’s on Amazon, all the drunk-asses inside need to shut the hell up so I can hear it.

That said, with Christmas around the corner, I know I’ll have to go see a movie just to get out of the house, even if it means looking at badly computer-animated hobbits or penguins. I was just sort of hoping that movie would be The Interview.

But, no. After hacks and death threats by hackers who totally aren’t North Koreans, enough movie theater chains pulled out of showing it that Sony delayed its Christmas release. Which means they delayed my Christmas release, so between this and Amazing Spider-Man 2, Sony has a lot to answer for this year in my book.

Granted, I didn’t really care about the latest Franco-Rogen romp. Not until North Korea took it away from me. And worst of all, they proved just how easy it is to maneuver Americans to stifle free speech for the first time outside of their own borders.

So, there are a few ideas we either need to get used to or fix immediately because we, as a nation, are no longer the ripped superpower that we used to see in the bathroom mirror every morning.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Best Korea beats America

You Missed It: Foreign relations edition

This sounds like a job for The Worm!
This sounds like a job for The Worm!

It’s been a rough couple weeks. Some bad and disappointing things have highlighted a major problem in our society, even though there are plenty of people posting misspelled denials it exists. But in this suckiness, take a moment and be glad that you’re not passing that ignorance on, because that’s how things change. We’ll fix this somehow. Alright, enough of the serious stuff. If you were busy singing and prancing through the air on live TV this week, odds are you missed it.

Coming soon to a torrent near you
Sony Pictures said this week that it suffered a hacker attack, which lead to the pirating of five of its films. Internal memos, salaries and personal information were also leaked in the attack. The primary suspect is North Korea, which took offense to the recent Sony Pictures film The Interview, about the assassination of Kim Jong Un. Time to send in Team America.

Feel the conciliation
This week, Mark Walhberg asked the state of Massachusetts to remove a conviction from his record. The actor said he has done his time for his mistake and learned from it, further, he has a number of philanthropic efforts. He has asked that the state erase the biggest mistake of his youth. Nice try, Marky Mark, but you’re not getting off the hook for the Planet of the Apes remake that easily.

Stephen Hawking warns of forthcoming robot revolution
World-renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warned this week that artificial intelligence could one day bring mankind to an end. Hawking recently switched to a new voice system that uses artificial intelligence to predict what words he may use next based on what he has already said. One of the smartest people on Earth is now using autocorrect and saying it could kill us all. Sleep tight, everyone!

Get a haircut, and get a real Jong

UPDATE: So, it looks like this story’s the product of wishful thinking by lazy Asia-based news correspondents looking for a break from the search for Malaysian Flight 370. North Korean males don’t have to imitate Kim Jong-un’s white walls. They only have to keep their hair short for “socialist style,” which is weird because our socialists are usually the ones who grow it long.

North Korea is truly a mystery, as is Miley Cyrus, who got the Kim Jong-un haircut anyway.

On the plus side, at least something's going in the university students' bowls that isn't Ramen.
On the plus side, at least something’s going in the university students’ bowls that isn’t Ramen.

When it comes to world leaders, the Kims of North Korea would be the most hilarious dynasty since the Bushes if their lavish madness didn’t require 25 million people to subsist on it and grass soup.

Fortunately, starving university students can now eat their hair. Sources reported to Radio Free Asia that Supreme Leader (oh, mercy) Kim Jong-un has further restricted male haircuts for college students from 10 to one: his.

Some students are worried, though, that Kim’s haircut is too “particular,” in that not everyone has the head and facial shape to support the windswept Moe. That this is their concern and not the gradual reduction of even the most basic forms of self-expression proves that, no matter where they go to school and no matter what they study, male college students are always concerned with girls and sex.

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.


Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition